


First in My Life

by CatchTheGhost



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Assisted Bathing, Canon Timeline, Depression, High Octane Angst, Joshua Suffers™ a lot, Lots of soulmate pairs untagged, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Minor Injuries, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, all bathing and washing scenes are innocent, for the drama, the slowest of burns, ya nasties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-13 14:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 45,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14750792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatchTheGhost/pseuds/CatchTheGhost
Summary: Cultural mistakes and grave misunderstandings early in Joshua's trainee days traumatize him as he struggles to deal with life as an idol. Feeling lost and alone despite never having a moment of peace or privacy, can he ever hope to find, let alone keep, his soulmate?





	1. Fits and Starts

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely beta [Starchase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starchase/) who suffered right along side me through every twist and turn this fic took from the initial outline to the final chapter, and my amazing editor [Cris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepaintedscorpiondoll/) who, despite not even being a Seventeen fan, red-penned the ever living hell out of this fic so that your eyes would be spared. 
> 
> Here’s [the fanart I was gifted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15510459) by [Polish_Protein](https://archiveofourown.org/users/polish_protein/) as part of the SVT Big Bang!
> 
> Please enjoy! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

Even as his body pitched itself to the floor, only one thought came to mind.  
  
Nothing felt worse than not knowing.  
  
Actually having an answer, even if it was wasn’t who he thought, would have been infinitely better. As a matter of fact, being wrong would have even been preferable. At least he’d have an answer, something concrete to hold onto. Anything to stop the anticipation quickly running his heart ragged as he attempted to pull himself off the practice room floor.  
  
He had heard another person fall with him when his body stopped obeying physics. He felt the incessant pull on his heart, on his still blooming soul mark, dragging him to his feet and forcing him to face his fate. To face him, his _soulmate_ .  
  
Hands helped him stand, but they couldn’t stop him from moving, from breaking past their circle of concern to stumble towards the other group, where the other boy fell.  
  
Towards his soulmate, who was beginning to stand.  
  
Who was turning towards him.  
  
Who was— 

* * *

 

  
“Hi, my name is Joshua Hong.” He tried to keep the nervous waver out of his voice as he stretched out his hand, but the longer it stayed hung in midair, completely ignored, the more his nerves found a new outlet in his now shaking hand.  
  
“… Follow me.” The dark-haired boy ordered curtly. He didn’t give chance for a reply before he spun on his heels and started walking back to the company building, leaving Joshua stumbling to keep up.  
  
Joshua had hoped that things would become more clear once he arrived in South Korea after being scouted. At the very least, he’d expected something more… inviting. The country itself seemed unwelcoming, with its weather already feeling like several hundred degrees colder than his home in Southern California. And now he was meeting the remarkably cold leader of the trainee group he was joining. It had only been a couple of months since the festival he was scouted at but the whirlwind of events that led to him to this point left him reeling and in desperate need of some kind of reassurance.  
  
“How old are you?” The boy asked once they were in the elevator. The sound of his deep voice startled Joshua and his mind struggled to come up with the right number.  
  
“Six… no, I’m eighteen. Korean age. I’ll be… my birthday is soon. December… 30th…” Halfway through his sentence the other boy’s face gained a bit of surprise softening his harsh appearance.  
  
“You were born in 1995?”  
  
“Yes, and… um…” Realizing he didn’t have a name for the boy he quickly tried to come up with something. “And how old are you… sunbaenim?”  
  
The honorific was met with a harsh laugh. “Oh my God, really? No no no, I’m not your sunbae! Actually we’re the same age!” His whole body relaxed against the elevator wall even as Joshua tensed further. “I’m Choi Seungcheol, and honestly I’m glad, I didn’t have any same age friends among the trainees for our group. Oh, wait…” The ease dissipated from his face as he looked thoughtful towards the ceiling. “That means you’re joining the group late and as a hyung on top of that.” His gaze turned sideways at him. “It won’t be easy, getting a dozen or so kids to listen to you.”  
  
Joshua blinked once. Then twice. “I’m a hyung? A… dozen? You mean a dozen younger than me?? I mean, us? We…”  
  
He clapped a heavy hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “Yes, you and I are the oldest.”  
  
If Joshua had any hopes of having an easy transition, they were smashed when he opened the doors to that green practice room and was met with nearly a dozen pairs of eyes zeroing in on him.  
  
Introductions flew by in a tangle of names as he tried to put them to faces. After a brief embarrassment where he assumed one of the other Americans, Vernon, couldn’t speak Korean, he managed a bit of conversation. He knew his Korean wasn’t as great as it could have been, and definitely much worse than his English, but listening to Vernon and tiny little Samuel jump back and forth between the two languages like he often did made him feel better.  
  
It was late, almost insanely so, before he was finally brought to the dorm. Cramped with boys and barely allotted enough space to walk through the sea of mattresses in the living room, he somehow never felt more alone in his life. Even showering was a very Spartan thing as there was only one shower for the lot of them and they apparently went _together_ in groups of three or four. Unaccustomed to it all and feeling increasingly overwhelmed, the final straw was the understanding that one of the many floor mattresses was meant for him. This was his bed, this was how he was going to live.  
  
Under the single comforter he was given, he finally cracked, hoping his quiet crying wouldn’t be heard by the younger members sleeping around him.  
  
After that first night it was just one upset after another. Joshua knew he couldn’t dance, or rap, or do anything besides sing and play guitar, but judging on the teacher’s attention only one of those things was encouraged for the time being. The final punch was being told that he still needed to audition, that he only had two months to prepare, and if he didn’t make it he would just be sent back home to LA.  
  
So he practiced. Over and over and over again, working with whatever he could, trying to listen to their instructors who got his name wrong, trying to get help from the trainees that came before him. It wasn’t until the new year passed, when they all started calling him nineteen years old when he didn’t even really feel seventeen yet, that he finally had a breath of relief as he’d passed the audition. He was going to stay.  
  
But like all things that cause high stress, he felt strangely empty after that goal had been accomplished. Unsure of where to go from there, he made attempts to build his relationships with the other members. While some were more than welcoming—such as Seokmin, who opened up to Joshua quickly—others were colder than ice. He could only be referring to Jihoon with that particular thought, the one who spent more time in the recording studio than he did doing literally anything else.  
  
Luckily, Joshua didn't have to dwell on that thought, because something new and amazing happened. It was announced that another boy was joining. That alone was exciting, but the day he walked in, Joshua couldn’t control the reaction he had. Eyes wide and jaw hanging slack, only one thought came to mind.

“There really was someone so handsome in Korea?”

The boy who walked in had the coveted delicate features that every beauty blogger and idol wished they were born with. His slender frame carried him into the room where he looked around carefully. There was a hint of uncertainty in his sharp eyes that cemented Joshua’s decision to act.

Quickly coming up to him, Joshua willed his heart to calm down. “Hi, are you the new trainee?” He immediately cringed, of course he was, why did he ask? The boy luckily spared him and nodded anyway, looking slightly past Joshua’s shoulder as if he wasn’t quite listening. “Have you met anyone yet?” No, wait, backtrack, they needed names first! And ages! Why was Joshua suddenly so bad at talking?  
  
“Oh, I met... Seungkwan, I think, a little while ago. In the hallway. But there’s so many of you...” He shoved his hands into his jacket pocket as he let his weight rock back. He was almost adorable as his shoulders curled protectively inwards a bit. Joshua wondered if he also looked that vulnerable when he first arrived.  
  
“Well, I’m Joshua, and I’m nineteen this year.” It still felt strange to say, “And your name is...?” He extended his hand, and suddenly the boy’s behavior flipped. His beautiful face brightened tremendously as he easily took Joshua’s hand, facing him and turning the full force of his gaze on his face. The unexpectedly strong eye contact was almost intimidating.  
  
“Oh hey, we’re the same age!” A full, real smile finally graced his lips as he took his hand. “I’m Yoon Jeonghan.” Not letting their hands fall, he leaned forward, “I’m sorry, you said your name was what?”  
  
“Joshua.”  
  
“No, your full name.”  
  
“Joshua Hong.”  
  
Jeonghan shook his head, his smile turning a little sardonic. “I don’t mean your stage name, I mean your real name.”  
  
“Ah!” Of all the times to forget his nationality, introducing himself wasn’t the best time. “I’m an American, my birth name actually is Joshua Hong. But my parents sometimes call me Jisoo, so I guess Hong Jisoo would be my Korean name?” He trailed off as it was apparent he lost Jeonghan about halfway through his speech.  
  
Eyes searching, he asked, “You’re American? Like, you actually lived there? How long?” By now his body was completely relaxed as he stepped closer to Joshua, putting them almost uncomfortably close. However, he was more than happy to stand so close to such a handsome boy.  
  
“I lived there all my life, up until a few months ago. My parents taught me Korean at home.” He was about to mention Vernon and Samuel and how they compared but the thought died when he saw Jeonghan’s eyes light up. He seemed completely invested in learning about Joshua, so much so he hadn’t even said anything about himself. Joshua found he liked the attention.  
  
“But your Korean is good! And you don’t look like you’re mixed. I never would have guessed you were American.” Something in Jeonghan’s words rubbed Joshua the wrong way, like he should be proud he could pass for not-American, but the thought faded for the moment. “Anyways, isn’t ‘Joshua’ kinda long and hard to say? And I’m pretty sure ‘Jisoo’ is a girl’s name. Don’t you have a nickname?”  
  
Okay, Joshua felt that was actually rude. “No, I just go by Joshua.” He tried not to be terse with his answer, but it came out sounding clipped anyway.  
  
Luckily the effect didn’t appear to offend Jeonghan, who looked appropriately shameful. “Sorry, I didn’t mean... I’m just not good with English pronunciation at all. I don’t wanna mess up your name. What if I gave you a name only I can use? Since we’re same-age friends.”  
  
Hearing Jeonghan call them friends so easily made Joshua’s heart feel light and sort of fluttery. And the idea of a friends-only nickname was new to him. “Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea. But I’m bad with names, so you come up with it.”  
  
Jeonghan dropped Joshua’s hand to give him a mock salute, but his arm faltered when it brought to their attention that they had been holding hands the entire time. Jeonghan’s ears stained red as he continued his thought process anyways, “Yes sir, you can count on me!”  
  
Jeonghan was then whisked away by an excitable Seokmin to meet the other trainees, even though the pink hadn’t quite faded from his ears, leaving Joshua alone with his thoughts. Had he really become that smitten with him after having only talked for a few minutes? He felt his own ears burning and tried to calm his still-fluttering heart.  
  
Over time things calmed down, both in his chest and in the practice room, and they were thrown back into the never-ending practice cycle of trainees. Joshua had hoped that with another hyung in the group that he and Seungcheol would have a better hold of the younger members, but Jeonghan was far from helpful in that case. He ran around belittling the youngest members, like calling Chan a baby and giving everyone pet names. Despite his angelic looks, the boy was downright rude at the best of times, his savage streak a mile wide and an ocean deep. The only exception was when the cameras were turned on them, and suddenly he was every bit the angel he looked.  
  
The final straw was when he, in his effort to find a good nickname for Joshua, started calling him “Hong Josa”. The awful name caught on like wildfire and eventually Joshua accidentally glared at their vocal instructor over it. The incident warranted Seungcheol pulling him aside, which always had the anxiety of being sent to the principal’s office.  
  
“Joshua, what was that about?” He crossed his arms over his chest and waited with barely-there patience.  
  
“It’s just, I don’t like the nickname Jeonghan gave me.” He couldn’t come up with any better excuse, which only highlighted how petty his ire was.  
  
Seungcheol didn’t blame him though, as he nodded knowingly. “Right, well you aren’t the only one. But you can’t go giving ugly looks to the instructors, or anyone for that matter. You’re an idol, you have to control yourself.”  
  
Feeling like a kicked puppy, Joshua nodded at the floor. More and more often, he’d been feeling less like a same-aged friend to Seungcheol and Jeonghan and more like one of the younger members. It wasn’t enough that he was being scolded and babied, but they felt the need to be particularly ruthless in correcting his Korean as well. Sometimes it felt like they were expecting him to be perfect at it, even though he really wasn’t Korean at all. He didn’t even feel Korean despite looking and acting like one.  
  
“I’ll talk to Jeonghan about the names,” he distantly heard Seungcheol say, “but you’ll have to learn to control your reactions on your own.”  
  
He didn’t feel like he quite fit.  
  
Days turned to weeks and weeks into months; finally they had a small break in their practice schedule. Not having to wake up early the next day, Joshua waited to be the last to shower so that he could go alone for once and take as long as he wanted. That was when his mind finally afforded him a small distraction he couldn’t before—a chance to check the mark.  
  
Or rather the lack thereof. For under his left collar bone was still smooth, uninterrupted skin. “Not like I was hoping it was him…” he whispered to himself in the shower mirror as he dried his hair. But he still couldn’t stop his finger from pressing on the skin, searching for any sign of an indention or line developing.  
  
However, his thoughts were cut short by a tiny giggle coming from the open door. His glare at the little monkey did nothing to stop him from conspiratorially teasing, “Hyung was acting weird!” But Joshua would not fall to Samuel’s level, not today.  
  
“Shouldn’t you be asleep? You’re going home tomorrow, you need go to bed so you’ll get up.”  
  
“Hyung will wake me up!”  
  
“Not this hyung, I’m sleeping in.” He put his hand on Samuel’s head and tried to turn him away from the door. But he squirrelly boy just turned all the way back around and stopped the door from closing again.  
  
“Okay, but Hyung, what does that,” he rubbed his fingers under his collarbone, “mean? I saw Seungcheol-hyung doing it too.” At this Joshua paused.  
  
“You... don’t know what that is? No one’s told you?” Samuel shook his head. “Isn’t that something your parents are supposed to tell you?”  
  
His eyes grew wide. “Is it an adult thing? But Hyung, you aren’t an adult yet! Not until next year, right?”  
  
“That doesn’t mean I don’t know, now get out, I need to finish drying off.” But Samuel wouldn’t budge, using all his shoulder strength to brace himself against the door frame. “Yah! Samuel, go to bed!”  
  
“Tell me! Tell me and then I’ll go.” Joshua was about question how much force he needed to put in his foot to not break Samuel’s ribs while literally kicking him out of the bathroom when a door opened somewhere and feet padded across the floor.  
  
“Now you’ve gone and woken someone up.” Joshua tried to use the distraction to pry Samuel’s hand off the door but the 12 year old’s grip was ironclad even as he looked down the hall at who was coming.  
  
Vernon appeared in the doorway, surprisingly wide eyed and alert despite having just been asleep. Or maybe he had only been pretending, and was actually on his phone under the blanket. “ _What’s Samuel yelling about now?_ ” He asked in English.  
  
“ _He’s just being annoying_ .” Joshua answered over Samuel’s head.  
  
This prompted the boy to wave his hands over his head to get their attention. “ _I know what you’re saying!_ ”  
  
“Yah, then be quiet, everyone’s trying to sleep.” Vernon clapped his hands over Samuel’s shoulders and pulled him backwards, but again the preteen would not budge.  
  
“But Joshua-hyung was going to tell me an adult thing!” He stage whispered conspiratorially. Vernon was only 3 years younger than Joshua but he sometimes acted more like Samuel’s age when he felt like it.  
  
“Really?” This was apparently one of those times. “What were you going to tell him?”  
  
“He just wanted to know about marks, now can I please finish drying my hair before I catch a cold on our one day off?” This time, it was Vernon’s hand that stopped the door.  
  
“Marks? You don’t mean,” he glanced back down the hall before dropping his voice like Samuel did, “ _Soul marks?_ ”  
  
“ _Yes?_ ” He answered at a normal volume, unsure why they were acting like that. “But can I have like, three seconds of privacy for once??” Finally Samuel relinquished the door as he turned his questions on Vernon out in the hall. Joshua, thoroughly confused, finished with his hair and put on a shirt, only to open the door and find the two of them sitting on the floor in the hall, waiting for him.  
  
“Why are you two like this?” he asked flatly.  
  
Vernon waved his hand—but for Joshua to lower his voice or sit, he wasn’t sure. In the end he did both, figuring they’d never leave him alone if he didn’t answer their questions. Samuel, with huge round eyes, was quick to fire off the first question.  
  
“So what does that rubbing mean?” he asked as he mimed the motion again.  
  
Simple enough. “I was looking to see if anything was different where my soul mark would be. Not... not that I was expecting it to,” he added quickly, “I was just checking.” His answer was met with two blank stares, but for vastly different reasons. Reason one, Vernon didn’t appear to believe him, and reason two, Samuel didn’t seem to even know what a soul mark was.  
  
“Okay, but... _don’t you have to have a soulmate first?_ ” Vernon asked hesitantly.  
  
Joshua was taken aback for a moment. “No, the mark builds under the skin first, months before the gravity event.”  
  
“The what?” Samuel pipped up.  
  
“ _Gravity event_ .” Vernon supplied in English again. “ _Isn’t that when two soulmates find each other though? How can the mark come up if they haven’t met yet?_ ”  
  
“That... isn’t how that works at all. And why are we using English?” Now Joshua was truly stumped, but when Vernon made random silencing gestures he gave up using Korean. “ _The mark develops as you interact with your soulmate, and it can take several months or even a year before the event finally happens and the mark’s lines break through the skin. Didn’t they teach you guys any of this when you were little?_ ”  
  
“ _I’m still little_ .” Samuel pointed at his chest.  
  
“It’s not like that,” Vernon shifted nervously, “It’s just, _in Korea, you aren’t supposed to talk about soul marks or anything except with your own soulmate. And even then, you have to be over 19 to even see movies and stuff about it. It’s like... taboo. We’ll get in trouble if they find out you were teaching us stuff before we were old enough_ .”  
  
“What, like it’s an ‘adult’ thing here?” Suddenly Samuel’s rapt attention made sense, and Joshua understood why they were whispering on the floor at the end of the hall. “Okay but...” he wasn’t sure how to phrase the thought, “isn’t it wrong to not teach you guys? _I mean yeah, most people can’t even develop a mark until they’re usually around 20 years in Korean age, but minors have been known to get them._ ”  
  
“ _Can I get one_ ?” Samuel threw his hand up which Vernon quickly smacked down with a hiss to silence him.  
  
“No, you have to be finished growing,” Joshua laughed behind his hand, “You haven’t even started growing.”  
  
“Hey!” Samuel nearly shouted.

“Hush!” someone from the living room mattress sea barked. It sounded like Jihoon, but they weren’t about to risk their lives to find out. They all simultaneously shut their mouths and waited for what felt like an eternity to see if someone was going to get up. Eventually it seemed like they were safe, and they silently agreed to end the conversation there.

Carefully picking his way across the floor Joshua tried his best to get into bed in complete silence but nearly screamed in shock when he realized someone on the next bed was glaring at him. For sure it was Jihoon, halfway wrapped up in a blanket and yet still looking as menacing as ever. Joshua whispered, “Sorry,” but it quickly withered into nothing.

Jihoon’s answer was to completely ignore the apology and roll over. If he understood their conversation from what little Korean they used, then maybe Vernon was right about the topic being a controversial one. Even though Joshua didn’t like that kids here weren’t educated, it wasn’t his problem to deal with. With a strange twinge of anxiety in his chest he fell asleep.


	2. And Then There Were Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for nothing. ^_^

By the time Joshua woke up half the dorm’s beds were empty. Sure enough, someone had already gotten Samuel up and out of the dorm on time to get picked up by his family. By that extension, he also realized a lot of the members with family nearby were already gone. The only ones left seemed to be himself and the others who required planes to get home.   
  
Standing alone in the middle of the living room, his mind wandered back to the hushed conversation he had with Vernon and Samuel the night before. While he hadn’t lied to them, he felt like he didn’t tell them enough. He wondered if they even knew what a gravity event was supposed to feel like. That fabled time when it feels like your heart is pulled to your soulmate like a magnet, like your bodies don’t obey the laws of physics anymore. The elderly say that the event is more powerful than any feeling they ever felt in their lives, before or after.   
  
Yet for some reason, this country didn’t believe in telling their children anything about soulmates, and that bothered Joshua. Something about it didn’t sit right in his stomach. Although, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that anytime he had tried to bring it up he would often get drowned out of conversation, or outright ignored. Was it because he was a foreigner that no one had told him until now that he shouldn’t even ask about it?    
  
These thoughts plagued him throughout his morning, even as the three or four members who went shopping together instead of going home came back early and seemingly in bad moods. He wasn’t surprised as things like this happened frequently with so many teenage boys forced to be so close, but neither Jeonghan nor Seungcheol said a word to Joshua when they passed by him. Luckily it only stung a little this time as they were ignoring everyone equally. He hoped they’d all be able to get over it quickly so they didn’t drag everyone else into whatever it was.    
  
Apparently Seungkwan and Junhui felt the same way, having been stuck in the “plane home” group as well and spent all day at home, so the three of them went out themselves. After an evening of window shopping they decided to get food together. It was a good excuse to get out of the dorm and let the ones remaining deal with the petty drama, even though none of them bought anything except food.   
  
As they walked to a nearby park table outside of the convenience store for dinner he felt the impulse to ask Junhui what the rules about soulmates were like in China. He wanted to know if he knew anything about the marks, but with Seungkwan there… well, he was a same-age friend with Vernon, so wouldn’t he hear about it from him eventually anyways?   
  
They were only halfway done with their food before the weight in his stomach made him set his aside. He thought carefully before attempting to broach the subject. “Junhui, can I ask you something about China?”    
  
“China? Yeah, sure,” he said thickly, though if it was from his accent or the copious amounts of food he managed to stuff into his mouth, Joshua wasn’t sure. Either way it was endearing.    
  
“Well… Vernon told me something yesterday, and I wondered if it’s the same in China or not.” At the mention of Vernon’s name Seungkwan quickly perked up and began listening too. “It… Is it okay in China to… talk about soul marks, before you’re an adult?”   
  
When both boys gave him flat blank stares, he quickly backpedaled. “Ah, nevermind, I shouldn’t have said anything.”    
  
It was a moment before Seungkwan spoke up. “Hyung, you’re right, I don’t think you can say anything about that until we don’t have any minors in the group.” Although he gave a finalizing nod that Joshua mimicked, Junhui didn’t seem to realize the conversation had silently ended and added his bit anyways.   
  
“Um, it’s like… You can’t say anything that isn’t you. I mean about you. And even then…” he mumbled something incoherent to himself, but whether it was Mandarin or Hangul neither of them could guess, “you should only tell your parents? About problems? Except, not sex problems. So don’t tell them?”   
  
At that Seungkwan choked on his food while Joshua blurted out, “Soul marks don’t have anything to do with sex tho—“ and suddenly he was faced with the end of Seungkwan’s chopsticks waving violently in his face to cut him off. He then drew them swiftly past his throat, the universal sign for ‘Stop talking, now’. Before Joshua could even argue his point someone in a hoodie approached their outdoor table.   
  
“—Shua-hyung, Seungcheol-hyung wants you home right now.” The timid voice absolutely did not match the person standing before them, who appeared to be Seokmin, but the face half-hidden under his hood certainly did.    
  
Pushing his half eaten food further away, Joshua gave Seokmin a puzzled look, “Did he say what he—“   
  
“He just said you need to go home.” He refused to make eye contact, which from the usually effortlessly sunny Seokmin was startling on its own.   
  
“Well, I’m in the middle of eating?” Joshua tried making light of the situation, but it fell flat even to him as he knew he wouldn’t be able to finish it even if he tried.    
  
“Um, right now.” The waver in Seokmin’s tone was like a shard of ice to his heart. Whatever was going on, he was somehow involved.   
  
He gave his food to Junhui before silently walking home alone, as it was apparent Seokmin had no desire to go back to the dorm. The anxiety of not knowing began to spread slowly through his body like seeping poison. Every step towards the dorm dropped his heart further and further into his stomach until he felt like he really was about to be sick.    
  
He reached the door of the building and almost contemplated not going in at all. What had he done wrong, besides mention the marks to a few people? Surely it couldn’t be that bad, he reasoned as he climbed the stairs. He had almost convinced himself that everything was fine until he opened the front door and came face to face with Seungcheol himself.   
  
Who was steaming mad.   
  
He grabbed Joshua by the arm and yanked him into the nearest bedroom, all but throwing him towards the closest bed. He missed by a small margin and ended up colliding with the support bar of the bunkbed instead, the shock of which quickly brought him back to his feet.   
  
“Seungcheol, what—“   
  
“It’s because of you.” Seungcheol quietly seethed at him. In a blink he was suddenly in Joshua’s face. “It’s because of you Samuel. Is. LEAVING.”    
  
Another sharp shove and he felt the edge of the bed support dig into his spine, preventing him from backing away. “What, but why? How??” His was barely able to get his voice to work as his fight or flight response desperately screamed at him to do something, anything.    
  
“His mother was just here yelling at us for corrupting her son, said he came home talking about things he had no right knowing at his age,” He grabbed Joshua by the shoulder uncomfortably close to his throat, “and she demanded we give her his things and she left. She took him away and he isn’t coming back. EVER. BECAUSE OF YOU.” Another shove, and this time his head bounced against the bed frame.   
  
He couldn’t pause to even hiss at the pain before Seungcheol was in his face again, his finger a hair's breadth away from his nose. “I don’t care if it’s okay in America to tell little kids gross things like this, I don’t EVER want to hear you speak another word about soul marks or soulmates again. NOTHING. You understand?”

But Joshua couldn’t understand. He couldn’t understand how anything he told Samuel was enough to warrant his mother pulling him from the group, or how out of any of this Joshua had somehow deserved this sort of punishment. He couldn’t understand how no one was coming to help him, could they not hear Seungcheol yelling? His voice sounded like a megaphone in Joshua’s ears.    
  
“We’re idols, don’t you get it? We don’t get to have soulmates, or soul marks.” Seungcheol growled, “We forget our soulmates, cover our marks, and pretend they aren’t there so we can give our hearts to our fans. And NO amount of being a stupid foreigner is going to change that for you.” One final shove and Seungcheol backed up.    
  
Maybe he had something else to say, maybe not, but Joshua wasn’t there to hear it regardless. Saliva flooded his mouth as anxiety finally drove him to sickness, and he only just managed to make it to the bathroom before what little he ate for dinner was thrown up. He was afraid he was going to collapse with the weight of Seungcheol’s words.    
  
He slowly lowered himself to the floor and tried to breathe evenly, but nothing except stuttering breaths would come out. Dizziness crept up on him and he tried to force himself to breath, to do something useful, to fix whatever had just happened. Maybe he could talk to Samuel’s mom, maybe he could apologize to her, to Seungcheol, to the company, whoever would listen, whoever would understand that he meant no harm in talking to Samuel about…   
  
Joshua found he couldn’t even think the word before a sharp stab of pain radiated from the back of his head. He hadn’t realized his body had listed so far as to bump into the wall, but the pain only reminded him of Seungcheol’s words, that he never speak of the topic again. With shaking hands he tried to scrub the fresh tears from his eyes before they fell but to no avail. Pain radiated from every part of him, his head and his upset stomach, but mostly from his heart. Eventually everyone would know it was his fault, everyone would blame him, and he’d have to spend forever begging for forgiveness.   
  
If he was even given the chance.    
  
A new spike of fear jolted him away from the wall as he realized that he too could be removed. He was complacent after passing the audition but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still be sent back to the US. After causing a situation like this, wouldn’t they want to throw him away? Hadn’t Seungcheol himself called him a stupid foreigner?    
  
No matter what extraordinary circumstances he was in, he was still just a seventeen year old boy. What the hell did he think he could accomplish being alone in a foreign country in the first place?   
  
The stuttering breaths quickly turned to sobs as the tears started to fall anew. His body shook with the force of his pain, knowing in his heart that he would be hated by everyone for causing this. Everyone loved Samuel, he was everyone’s baby brother. They had no reason to defend Joshua, who hadn’t even developed any close bonds yet with anyone besides the only two he could. And wasn’t that just some requirement of the foreign culture because of their age? Did Seungcheol and Jeonghan even actually care?    
  
He found he could do nothing to stop the flood of tears that poured out of him as his mind spiraled viciously. For a time he sat there, huddled on the floor unable to do anything but think these horrible thoughts. But like all things, this too had an end.    
  
Eventually the door creaked open, and someone dropped a jacket over his shoulders. He tried to look up but his eyes blurred with tears and he saw nothing but their retreating back as they stepped back out of the room. He heard them mutter something in the hall but his head and ears felt like they were full of cotton and he couldn’t identify the voice. Then another voice curtly agreed, and the sound of footsteps returned. He roughly scrubbed his eyes before looking up this time and found Jeonghan looking down at him with his own pained expression on his face.    
  
“Come on.” He all but whispered, “You need to get cleaned up.” Strong hands pulled him to his feet and propped him against the wall. He rested his full body weight against it as he watched Jeonghan wet a washcloth and ever so gently wiped it over his tear stained face.    
  
Once his face was clean Jeonghan stepped aside so Joshua could clean his mouth, brushing his teeth weakly while the slightly older boy let his hand rest on the small of Joshua’s back. It brought no comfort as his warm hand was like a brand against his skin, labeling him as the weak thing he felt like he was. Though his mind was clearing, the darkest thoughts were still staining his perceptions. In his mind, Jeonghan was only here to scrape him off the floor and remove him from everyone else’s sight.    
  
But reality was different. In reality, Jeonghan was being extremely careful with him, touching him gently and speaking softly. Eventually his expression turned soft, prompting him to press his hand to Joshua’s forehead only for him to suddenly pull back from the heated skin. “Joshua, did you know you had a fever?”   
  
“Oh,” Joshua hummed weakly in agreement, “that explains a lot...”    
  
“How long have you been sick?”    
  
He had an answer, he was sure of it, but it suddenly disappeared. Everything in his head disappeared. Even Jeonghan’s face in front of him disappeared.   
  
It was unfortunately replaced by the rapidly approaching floor.   
  
The last thing he heard was Jeonghan cry out, “SHUA!” before everything went dark.   
  
He wasn’t sure how long he was out or whose bed he was even in when he woke up, but it was already dark outside the one window he could see and the room was cast in blue shadows. He sat up, letting the blanket fall from his shoulders as he tried to focus his eyes but all he could make out was the light of someone reading off a cell phone across the room.

“Oh hey, Jeonghan-hyung.” Mingyu set down his phone and shook someone lying on the floor between the beds. “Joshua-hyung is awake.”   
  
If there was anything Joshua knew about Jeonghan, it was that he didn’t rouse from sleep easy. But in the blink of an eye, he was up and sitting on the side of Joshua’s bed. No, it was Wonwoo’s bed, if Mingyu was across from him. Why was he in this room? And in an actual bed instead of his own on the floor in the living room?   
  
“Because you collapsed in the bathroom.” He answered, making Joshua realize he’d been mumbling out loud. “I kept you from hitting the floor, but you still had a huge knot on the back of your head somehow.” It was an unspoken question, but it was leading all the same.    
  
He opened his mouth to answer but the memory of what happened had been warped completely by his fever-addled mind. Nothing but a voice like a siren screaming in his ears and pain spilling behind his head filled his memory. The words turned to ash on his tongue as he suddenly felt fresh tears spill over his cheeks.   
  
“... Samuel...” he managed to whisper thickly. “Seungcheol yelled at me, because it’s my fault. It’s my fault Samuel’s gone, because I’m a stupid foreigner.”   
  
“What the hell?” Jeonghan balked, “No, no no, Seungcheol was wrong, he should have never said those things to you, so don’t you believe it.” Gently, Jeonghan cradled Joshua’s head in his hands, thumbs attempting to brush away the tears. His touch was too gentle, too soft, and it felt like more than Joshua deserved.   
  
“Yeah, Soonyoung-hyung told me Samuel’s mom was always against him being here,” Mingyu added as Jeonghan attempted to put Joshua back to bed, “He was closest to him, you know, and he said Muel-ah complained a lot that his mom had been trying to find any excuse to pull him from debuting so young.” As an afterthought, he softly added, “I don’t know what you did, but I don’t think anyone can blame you because of her.”   
  
Joshua was surprised at Mingyu’s insight to the matter, but appreciated the support. Here were at least two people who weren’t blaming him, even as he blamed himself. He deserved the blame, didn’t he? He gave that woman the fuel she needed, wasn’t that enough?    
  
Although, he did admit it was hard to really feel the negative thoughts with Jeonghan lying next to him, and when had that happened? “Wonwoo said you can stay here tonight,” Jeonghan supplied as he got comfortable cuddled next to Joshua, “so just sleep for now, okay? I’ll be here in case your fever spikes again.”   
  
“You’ll stay here?”   
  
“Mmm, I’ll stay here.”   
  
And he did, throughout that night as Joshua’s fever ebbed as well as the following morning when he woke up to Jeonghan’s sleeping face mere inches from his own. Had Jeonghan always been this beautiful? Was it the early morning light? Was it the fact that he’d never looked at him this close?

Was he still suffering feverish hallucinations?    
  
Or perhaps, more likely, he was experiencing a childish sort of imprinting due to the fact that Jeonghan had taken care of him at his worst and remained with him to ensure his safety, if only to ensure he didn’t throw up on himself in a borrowed bed in the middle of the night. Either way, Joshua allowed himself to cuddle just a little closer to Jeonghan’s warmth and let himself gain strength from it.   
  
He would need it in the coming days as the managers and the CEO of the company demanded answers for what happened. The weight of stress alone felt like it was going to crush Joshua a second time as his voice refused to leave his throat to even defend himself, but he found he didn’t even have to speak at all in the end. Seungcheol stepped up like a true leader and spoke for everyone and supplied Vernon as a witness instead. Vernon willingly threw himself under the bus by claiming that he was the one who told Samuel those things. Thinking back on that night, Joshua wondered who it was who gave him the jacket before Jeonghan showed up.

After it was decided no one would be punished for it Seungcheol brought everyone together at home and made them all swear to leave the subject alone as long as there were minors in the group. Joshua still blamed himself for not being aware of the cultural differences some of the members had and vowed to be more careful as time went on.    
  
And time  _ did _ go on. Soon after Samuel left another boy came, a Chinese boy named Minghao who didn’t speak any Korean at all. After what was apparently a disastrous first meeting with Junhui, Joshua recognized the early signs of an impending breakdown in the small boy. Though he didn’t have any words to share, he took it upon himself to help him feel better by playing his guitar for him. Joshua could see in Minghao’s eyes the moment his point made it across and the boy broke into a wide smile for him. Helping gave Joshua a sense of value. Even if it was just from the one member, it was something.    
  
For the next several months Joshua spent as much time as he could helping Minghao learn basic Korean, remembering a time when he himself was a child struggling to understand his parents. Jeonghan at one point made a joke that if Chan was his baby, then Minghao was Joshua’s. Everyone erupted into a chorus of “Ehhhh?” at the terrible joke, but Joshua felt warmed at the thought regardless.   
  
He’d spent a year avoiding the subject of marks, which was easy when he realized no one was willing to talk about it. Even so, relationships between members grew stronger and stronger as Joshua couldn’t help but take more and more interest in Jeonghan. His hair was growing long and beautiful which suited his angelic face all the more. His heart just wouldn’t obey him when he laid eyes on him and he had more than one fleeting moment of reaching for the spot where his mark would form only for the reaction to trigger such a violently negative response he quickly lost interest in the idea.    
  
Which only made Joshua even more surprised when Jeonghan loudly announced that they were the closest two members in the group. Seungcheol scowled, likely not appreciating being left out by the two same-aged friends, but he didn’t argue. Likewise Seungkwan and Vernon quickly took offense to that and challenged them, leading to a round of ridiculous games that in no way actually gauged anyone’s relationship strength, but were fun nonetheless.    
  
Slowly as time went on the group became more aware that things were really happening, that they really were going to debut. And when they were presented with their rings nearly everyone started jumping with joy, the loudest being Seokmin who couldn’t stop hugging anyone within arms reach. Eventually Joshua got out of his hold and somehow found himself face to face with Jeonghan. Or rather Jeonghan’s shoulder. Joshua never forgot that exact feeling, of the weight of stress from the past year lifting off of him now that he knew he wasn’t going to be thrown away and sent back home. He only hugged Jeonghan harder knowing that they wouldn’t ever be separated. The rings were proof of that.

Only for that proof to be savagely torn from them as they started filming Project 17. Their CEO must have had a good laugh at their expense after that stunt on the first filming day of Project 17. And even though they were genuinely scared of the threats facing them during the show, a very small part of Joshua remained optimistic that they would get the rings back.

What he wasn’t ready for was the last day, standing on that stage and waiting for their rings to be returned, only to be told that the man didn’t have them. The confusion melted into relief that quickly snowballed into a pure and cathartic breakdown as he cried in his mother’s arms, the first time he’d seen her in 2 years. Age had always been a strange thing to Joshua since coming to Korea because of their strange offset counting and the fact that birthdays weren’t nearly as much pomp and circumstance as they were in the US, so he didn’t find it strange at all that he suddenly felt very much like the same 16 year old boy that left his mother behind at the LAX airport all those years ago.   
  
Luckily the boys were given a short break to spend with their families as the company prepared for their debut, and Joshua had to face something in him that he felt he could only talk to his mother about. Of course, she knew immediately that something was up before he could even say anything. Gentle needling aside, he loved that about his mother, that she would come to him when he was too afraid to speak up.   
  
“I know you’re not too young to have found your soulmate anymore, and I get the feeling this has something to do with it.” She set her cup of tea down on the small side table in her hotel room. “Have you found your mark?”   
  
Joshua found himself involuntarily flinching at the mention of marks. “No, it isn’t that… but… I think, I’ve found someone. And… isn’t that wrong? I feel like he could be... but I can’t... If I try to ask...” His voice failing him only added tears of frustration, but his mother understood all the same.   
  
“My Jisoo-ya, come here.” She offered, opening her arms wide and pulling him to sit next to her on the small couch. “The Heavens have decided which person in this world is best for you, but it is up to you who decides in what way.”   
  
He sniffled pathetically and asked quietly in English, “What, I don’t understand? Isn’t finding my soulmate supposed to be, like, the end of it?”   
  
“You only think that because you do not know. Not all soulmates become lovers, and not all lovers are soulmates—”   
  
“AH, okay, okay, that’s more than enough!” Joshua quickly leaned back and clapped his hands over his ears, vehemently pretended his mother wasn’t talking to him about lovers in any capacity.    
  
She laughed at his reaction, but did not stop. “Sometimes you find someone who did not fall into romantic love with their soulmate. They can become your best friend or brother instead.” She gently placed her hand on his cheek. “Even if this person you’ve found does not become your soulmate, there isn’t any reason they couldn’t still choose you.”   
  
The impact of her words sat heavy in his heart as he contemplated that path in life. There wasn’t any kind of concrete method of knowing one’s soulmate before the marks give it away, but there were myths that some people ‘just knew it’ before it happened. With the gag order on marks still firmly in place by not only Seungcheol, but the company as a whole, Joshua was afraid he’d never know until it was too late.   
  
And hadn’t he said that they couldn’t keep their marks anyways? “Mom... I think, they said if we do find our soulmates, we have to deny them. For the sake of the fans, that they won’t get upset that we’re taken. I don’t think I want that.”   
  
She scrunched up her nose like she was smelling something disgusting. “I hated Korea’s rules, it’s why I left with your father before you were born.” The sour look on her face was more than enough to end that line of thought.   
  
It wasn’t long before their debut stage was ready, and in the whirlwind of if all Joshua found he couldn’t focus on anything else. Just a little further, he kept telling himself. Just a little longer and the stage will be over and it’ll be done.    
  
Everything will be fine then, right?  
  



	3. Yeoseodo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I give no one a break, especially not Joshua.

Everything was not fine.   
  
If Joshua thought they worked hard as trainees then he, and everyone else, were floored by the amount of work needed to promote for their debut. Eight weeks of non-stop broadcast after broadcast. Three  _ Music Bank _ performances, five  _ M!Countdowns _ , seven  _ Show Champion  _ and  _ Inkigayos _ , among a dozen others. They felt like they never had a moment to breathe, let alone rest and recover.    
  
Besides that, the boys had to use their stage names almost exclusively during this time, to prevent them from forgetting or slipping up during broadcasts. While he had continuously used Joshua at home anyway,—and luckily Jeonghan didn’t use a stage name—the majority of the group did. Names never seemed more important to Joshua until he found himself calling out for Dino and finding an almost entirely different persona responding, everyone creating a sort of face to wear in front of the cameras.    
  
Joshua found he had built one himself without realizing it, forcing the use of manners and proper speech as much as humanly possible. This earned him the title of “Gentleman” and cementing his role as the most calm and considerate hyung. But behind the mask, Joshua was terrified. Unsure of what to say, still feeling like a baby deer when it came to speaking the language fluently, he kept his mouth shut and everyone let the newly minted S.Coups do all the talking. It seemed unfair to put so much pressure on the leader, but perhaps that was the mask Seungcheol wore himself. 

One of the more surprising things was actually the mundane realization that they were so busy during the day and so exhausted at night that he never again heard another soulmate question from a single other member. As a matter of fact, he felt that some days he never even opened his mouth except to sing and eat and then he just retreated back into his own head. They were all together 24/7 and not a soul breathed a word about soul marks. Not once.    
  
Seokmin, as loud as he was all the time, seemed to be quite a romantic and always expressing how much he loved the fans, but seemed to never even consider the existence of soul marks. He and the other two jokers of the group Soonyoung and Seungkwan were both the most vocal about love and the most silent about the potential for finding soulmates.    
  
As strange as it was, they were encouraged to express love for the fans, but a stern cold gaze from Seungcheol fanning over the room reminded Joshua and everyone else to not even think about getting their hopes up to have a normal relationship with whatever soulmates they might find among those fans.   
  
They moved from their Adore U era to starting work on their Boys Be EP comeback. Joshua’s mind kept wandering to the abstract idea of having a soulmate, until he startled himself awake when the person he held so tenderly in his dream suddenly had Jeonghan’s face. These dreams didn’t happen often, but when they did, he felt his whole body rejecting the idea, even when the excitement sent so much electricity running through him that he absolutely couldn’t sleep no matter how much he tried.    
  
Somehow he found himself locked in the bathroom, staring down at his reflection in the sink mirror like the boy on the other side had an answer to his problem. Hesitantly he let his hand brush over his chest, pretending to not be disappointed at the smooth, unblemished skin he felt there under his sleep shirt. A wave of guilt washed over him as memory of a dull pain spread from the base of his skull and down his spine. Blinking back at the sensation, he let his hand fall and found he couldn’t look up at his face again. Whether it was the guilt or the mistiness of his eyes he wasn’t sure, but he returned to bed slightly glad that his mind gave him something else to focus on besides the dream.   
  
The dream quietly became a nightmare during the new era’s comeback. Because it wasn’t just Jeonghan in his dream, but all the others. Everyone pairing off and leaving him behind, leaving him as the last remaining member without a soulmate, with no way of knowing if he’d ever find comfort for the anxious feeling that was making its home in his heart. Not as they performed their way through Mansae, not after they performed the Boy’s Wish concerts over Christmas.   
  
The anxiety doubled when his birthday passed with all the attention a birthday warrants. All day every single staff member stopped to wish him a happy birthday, as well as their senior label mates and all the company employees. All day he was given preferential treatment by the members, but it only seemed to sound hollow and mocking in his ears. As if he should enjoy this day because he wouldn’t get this kind of attention any other time. Even when he called his mother she had to hang up soon as she had to go to work, so he found himself shoving that anxiety down as hard as possible that evening and forcing himself through their usual late-night practice.   
  
A new announcement went out at the new year, that the boys would get a much needed vacation. Their excitement bleed into everything they did, as cameras followed them through their dorm as they packed, as they prepared to get on the ferry boat.   
  
And then they were handed small plastic bags and in a single minute their vacation became a nightmare.   
  
One after another they fell into their broadcast faces, everyone putting on their stage names as they crushed down their real feelings about the so called One Fine Day. Yeoseodo was unforgiving with the cold they had to endure and the pain of hunger constantly edged them on to perform for the ever-present cameras. Their first meal on the island was depressing to say the least, and Joshua could feel it settling into his bones. Being forced to scavenge for their own food, relying on the kindness of locals in the area to help them when they were helpless, did nothing for the mental space Joshua had fallen into. Neither did the show writers who had already tagged the quiet Joshua with a “strange foreign boy” label.   
  
The exhaustion was real, but finding himself sleeping on the floor with Seungcheol on one side and Jeonghan on the other kept him from any kind of easy sleep. The rooms were assigned by their usual method of Rock Paper Scissors, but it was decided early on that the hyung should stay together as some kind of solidarity. However, the solidarity didn’t seem to extend to Joshua so much as it simply existed between the two oldest, both of them perpetuating the almost demeaning label the writers put on him. Once again, Joshua felt left out despite being between them.   
  
Finally a little of the pressure on the group was relieved as they were given a chance to have some fun at the island’s community center answering questions for the camera and reminding themselves that in the end they were idols performing for a broadcast. But it seemed no matter what Joshua did it was always viewed through the lens of his foreign-ness, and not like they did with Vernon and praising his genetics for his good looks. Instead there was a joke that Joshua was only a gentlemen so long as he didn’t open his mouth, and how was that any different than them making fun of Minghao who still couldn’t speak Korean well?    
  
After the legendary visual ranking determined by Chan, they were given work assignments and allowed to go home, only to find their original luggage had been returned to them by their traitorous managers and staff. Being allowed a few of their comforts back did much to raise morale as some tension left the boys’ stiff shoulders. Still, they had to force themselves not to groan out loud when they were reminded everyone had jobs to do in the morning.   
  
This seemed to impact Joshua the worst when they all finally got back to the house and into bed. Fitful all night from half-remembered nightmares that reminded him of starving and yearning for something, or someone, he found himself awake far earlier than any of them had any right being. The only safe space from cameras in the whole house was the bathroom, where he went ahead and got changed and ready for the day.    
  
Returning to his room, he took a moment to look at Jeonghan’s sleeping face. He wanted to wake him up, talk to him about how stressed he was before they had to properly get up, but just beyond his head was another camera. He squashed the idea before returning to the bathroom to center himself before allowing the mask to slide back into place.    
  
Entering the first bedroom where Minghao, Jihoon, Wonwoo, Seungkwan, and Vernon slept, he called out, “Everyone who’s going to Cheongsando needs to wake up now.”  Wonwoo got up quickly but Joshua noticed Minghao wasn’t getting up, back to the room as he crowded close to the wall defensively. He knew his stomach hadn’t been feeling good so he let the boy sleep a little longer before finally going to wake up Chan.    
  
“Good morning!” He cheered to the camera in the main room, playing every bit the part of a morning person ready to face the challenges the show writers had ready for them.    
  
The maknae woke up easier than most, and together they shook Jeonghan until he stirred a bit. Joshua wasn’t surprised when he latched onto Chan like he loved to do, knocking the boy over onto what was Joshua’s bed roll and wrapping his arms around his waist like he was a body pillow. Joshua snickered and move to wake up Seungcheol laying on Chan’s other side.    
  
Or so Joshua thought. Just as he found himself getting up from where he was, Jeonghan was unexpectedly wide awake, moving over and past Chan to launch himself into the space between his and Seungcheol’s backs. Realizing it must be a hyung thing, Chan got up and excused himself from the room. In the quietness, Jeonghan had latched himself onto Seungcheol’s side, the two murmuring good mornings to each other.   
  
The other members who didn’t have to get up yet were still sound asleep, leaving the three of them feeling alone. Even so, Joshua found himself not being able to overlook the fact that the two were apparently ignoring his presence entirely. Or maybe they had forgotten that Joshua was there altogether, because just then, without any kind of warning, Jeonghan reached up and brushed his fingers just under Seungcheol’s left collarbone.    
  
The startling intimacy of the move matched with how easily he did it, like he’d done it a thousand times before, made Joshua’s heart sink. However, Seungcheol’s reaction was swift and painful, quickly throwing Jeonghan off his side and nearly rolling him into Joshua. As if only just remembering Joshua had never left the room Jeonghan almost looked sheepish as he sat up. Behind him Seungcheol curled in on himself, blocking everyone else out.    
  
“What... was that about?” Joshua whispered, very aware of the cameras mounted all over the room. There was no possible way that move could have been anything else than looking for someone else’s mark, and that horrified Joshua. None of them were supposed to even so much as breathe a word about marks, let alone search for them openly on themselves.    
  
Let alone on each other.   
  
Let alone on Seungcheol himself!    
  
And then on camera too! Jeonghan was going to get murdered on camera, he was sure of it. Luckily, Jeonghan seemed to remember as well, his own broadcast-ready mask sliding easily into place as he grabbed Joshua’s arm and pulled them both up to standing. “Nothing!” He cheered, twirling around and all but skipping out of the room. Looking down he saw that Seungcheol still wasn’t getting up, and honestly Joshua was the last person to want to wake him if he was pissed.   
  
So he went back to Minghao, only to find Jihoon looking over him carefully. “Hyung,” he said without looking away, “I don’t think he’s doing so good.” Sure enough, Minghao’s face was pale and contorted slightly with discomfort.    
  
“Do you think you can get up today?” Joshua asked, carefully checking his skin for any signs of fever. Instead of an answer he shook his head slightly. “Maybe we can switch you with someone else?” Minghao finally rolled over to face him and quietly nodded against Joshua’s knee. He couldn’t help but smooth down his hair and let his hand rest on his head. He relaxed a little and let the pained look fade from his face a bit. It wasn’t much, but they never needed words before to get their points across to each other.   
  
After a minute of gently massaging the back of his neck to hopefully soothe him Joshua felt a shifting nearby. “Should I get Coups-hyung?” Jihoon asked quietly from somewhere behind him.    
  
Joshua’s blood ran cold at the mention of his name. “No.” He sniped back without taking his eyes off the sick boy. “No, I think he’s upset, leave him be for now.” He did’t have to tell Jihoon twice, as he easily laid back down and got comfortable again.    
  
He wasn’t sure how long he sat on the floor, slowly petting Minghao in comfort. Seungkwan and Vernon were still sleeping on the far side of the room, while sounds of the others getting dressed and ready in the kitchen and bathroom area drifted in from the open door. Time passed slowly as he heard one after another slowly replace sleep with their camera-worthy personas.    
  
But behind him, in the opposite room, he knew Seungcheol was possibly angry. He wasn’t sure, and not knowing seemed to be worse than just addressing the issue. He could talk to him, right? He had to, to protect Jeonghan. To make sure Minghao wasn’t sent out with the others.    
  
Carefully he left Minghao’s side and got up, only to bump into Chan again. “Oh, Dino-ya!” He paused, weighing his options...   
  
... Before completely chickening out. “Will you go wake up S.Coups? It’s time for the fishing group to get up.” He was potentially sending Chan into the lion’s den, but just the thought of facing him again in anger was enough for his heart rate to spike and he couldn’t get it to calm down. Instead he turned tail and went to see if he could talk someone into taking Minghao’s place.    
  
He’d gotten through telling most of the awake members about Minghao’s situation when he heard it. Seungcheol’s voice reached his ears, a sure sign he was up, but nothing in it sounded of rage. In fact, it sounded sickeningly sweet somehow. “Seungkwan-ah~ I think you have to go and collect abalones~” A chorus of voices joined him in teasing Seungkwan until the boy yelled out about not wanting to go. As per usual though, no one refused Seungcheol’s ruling, joking the whole time about his misfortune and how quickly he turned on the charm for the camera.    
  
Soon enough Joshua found himself getting on a boat with the rest of the abalones group, plus Seungkwan grumbling all the way. He focused entirely on the fun they were having with all the food they were allowed to eat, letting himself enjoy writing the postcards to their future selves, and then following Seungkwan’s lead in actually enjoying the vegetable picking.    
  
That night when they arrived to their temporary house Joshua enjoyed that time too, sharing the food he and Jeonghan had agreed on in unison. He spent all his time unconsciously crowding Jeonghan’s space, going so far as to following him to the point of climbing on a piano to avoid getting caught during their game of tag. He even happily played along with the prank on the Yeoseodo team with the raw chicken, allowing his heart to relax despite the work they did in the field.    
  
He relaxed, at least until Seokmin made an empty threat over video chat, “Wait! I’ll give the phone to S.Coups-hyung!” and all the mirth in Joshua’s heart stopped. He hoped that on camera at least his face didn’t reflect the fear that gripped his heart as Seungcheol gave his too calm threats through the phone. But he tried to reason with himself, why should it? Did it really matter to him if Jeonghan was in the line of fire? He was the one who made Seungcheol angry that morning, not Joshua.    
  
Regardless, when they went to bed that night Joshua immediately put himself next to Jeonghan. Part of him wondered if he would have to protect Jeonghan, part of him wondered if he even could. And a final, quiet part of his heart whispered that he had to, no matter what. With that idea in his heart his hand reached out and gently rested over Jeonghan’s. He didn’t want to see Jeonghan hurt, and since he had protected Joshua once, he would return the favor, he was sure of it.   
  
The rest of the trip went by in a blur as they met back up with Minghao and ended up going along with Jeonghan’s prank on him. And honestly Jeonghan seemed to be completely unconcerned with Seungcheol’s potential rage, something that was confusing Joshua. Had he misunderstood the situation? Surely he was missing something but he wasn’t sure until they got back and overheard Seungcheol calling Jeonghan out.    
  
Not wanting to be too far away in case things got bad he quietly followed them out of the house until they were on the street and Joshua stayed behind the stone wall they were leaning against.   
  
“The film crew might still hear us so be careful.” He overheard Seungcheol warn as his jacket shifted noisily against the wall.    
  
“It seems like its getting better, isn’t it?” Jeonghan asked after a while of silence.   
  
“No, if anything it’s getting worse.” Huh? Joshua had no idea what they were talking about. “And on top of that this itches like hell.” The sound of his jacket shifting again was enough to make Joshua back away from the wall. There was no way... 

“Ouch, yeah, I don’t think the lines should look like that.”

“Don’t touch it again, okay?” The sound of the jacket returning to its original place was deafening in Joshua’s ears.

Seungcheol was developing a mark.   
  
It was the only conclusion Joshua could come to, but on top of that something else swiftly came to mind to weigh heavily on his heart. The only way Jeonghan would know about it had to be that Seungcheol told him. And didn’t Vernon say that in Korea that only soulmate pairs could talk to each other about their marks?    
  
Joshua turned on his heel and went back to the house only to stop. He couldn’t hide in the house, not with all the cameras, and he couldn’t run from the thoughts spiraling out of control. How close Jeonghan and Seungcheol were without him, how easily Jeonghan touched him the other morning when they were waking up.   
  
They were developing marks together weren’t they?   
  
It was his nightmare made real. He wasn’t even aware of the tears in his eyes until he couldn’t see the path up to the house anymore. He tried to stop them, scrubbing his hands roughly over his face while trying to reason with himself. He and Jeonghan were best friends, there was never any romance between then, so why should he be upset by this? “Why? Why why??” He found himself hoarsely whispering to himself. But a sour feeling spread in his stomach and he quickly returned to the house, shoving past the others claiming he might throw up to win a place in the bathroom alone for a moment.    
  
The excuse wasn’t exactly a lie, as he spent the next few minutes forcing himself not to get sick. It was stupid, feeling so bad about it, like he had just caught someone cheating on him. He’d always been respectfully fearful of Seungcheol, but since when did he feel so possessive of Jeonghan? When did those two become such strangers to him?   
  
And even then, he reasoned, it wasn’t like he had the whole story. He forced himself to face the fact that he was overreacting to nothing more than a few lines of eavesdropping, that was it. Splashing water on his face he looked in the mirror and tried to tell himself that he was being stupid and needed to stop. It only vaguely helped.   
  
What’s worse, he left the bathroom to a chorus of concerned voices, wondering what made him sick. There was also one loud voice, Soonyoung of course, announcing that Mingyu’s cooking had doomed them all and it was only a matter of time before they all, cast and crew alike, would die of food poisoning. The concerned voices turned amused and Joshua quickly managed to slip back on a camera worthy face before assuring them he wasn’t sick and Mingyu wasn’t going to murder anyone.    
  
Still, as the show went on and when the two oldest hyungs returned from their walk together Joshua let himself fade into the background as he often did. The same show writer who started the foreign jokes seemed to be trying to zero in on him so he dodged as much as he could until someone pulled him forward, tried to shove him in front of the camera, make him say something wrong or weird so it could be slapped on the end of a scene for laughs and he didn’t want the attention. He didn’t want  _ any _ attention at all.   
  
It wasn’t until Seungcheol and Jeonghan flanked him on both sides and tried to pull him forward that he immediately lost it. Ripping his arms from their hands he nearly threw them both to the ground, backing up defensively towards the house. “I don’t... I haven’t been feeling well today, just let me sleep.” The lie spilled smoothly from his lips, so much so that it almost didn’t feel like a lie at all. And was it not? Hadn’t he felt like shit since yesterday morning? Since they got to Yeoseodo?   
  
Since he became a trainee?   
  
He stalked back into the house alone but heard footsteps quickly come up behind him. He could feel his blood starting to simmer and knew he didn’t want any cameras to see it. Ignoring who was following him he rushed through the house, out the front door, and down to the street.    
  
He only made it just past the wall before his arm was caught by a hand, stopping him in his tracks.

 

“Joshua! Wait, what are you doing, where are you going?”

 

He didn’t want to look back, didn’t want to see the concern in Jeonghan’s eyes as he tried to stop Joshua from running out and into the sea.    
  
“Just... just leave me alone, for one minute, just one damn minute!” Both boys were startled for a moment by the harshness of Joshua’s voice, giving him a chance to pull his arm away. “I’m tired, okay? Of all of this, of—of all the damn cameras everywhere! And that show writer! They keep calling me a foreigner like I’m an idiot or something!”   
  
“Joshua...” Jeonghan tried to step closer, but it only served to push Joshua back.   
  
“No! Stop! Stop trying to make me go back there! I’m tired of dancing around and pretending everything’s fine for their damn cameras when I feel like I’m always sick. When I feel like I haven’t got a single friend in the group because you and Seungcheol keep leaving me out.”

He watched the hurt strike across Jeonghan’s face like he’d slapped him. A small, dark part of him felt a little satisfied at that. At least now, when Joshua turned to leave down the street, he wasn’t grabbed again. Although as he turned the corner and continued walking an even bigger part of him cried out that all he wanted was for someone to come after him and choose him over everyone else. 

And here Joshua had hoped the night air would help heal his sore heart, but it only worsened as his mind replayed Jeonghan’s expression over and over. He’d done that, he’d made that hurt in his own heart take root and bloom in Jeonghan’s too. Guilt started eating at him; it forced him to loop back around and start walking towards the house again. He only made it as far as the end of the street before he saw crew setting up something in front of the rock wall.    
  
Before he could dodge them someone in front of the flood lights ran past the crew and hit him hard with a crushing hug. “What—?”   
  
“Joshua-hyung! We’re sorry! Are you okay?? Please call off Jeonghannie-hyung!” Soonyoung stared up at him with surprisingly wide eyes, his concern more than sincere despite the lack of cameras aimed at them.    
  
“Joshua,” Seungcheol’s even voice added as he approached them as well, “are you feeling better? Jeonghan came back after you ran out together and he practically ripped the show writers a new one. He’s in trouble with the managers now, but we all heard him.” He placed a comforting hand on Joshua’s shoulder and pulled him into a shockingly warm hug despite the chill of the night--or perhaps, the chill in his heart towards Seungcheol. “I’m sorry, I was so worried about the kids I didn’t realize your quietness wasn’t normal. I should have known you weren’t feeling any better than them.” He pulled back and let him go. “I also didn’t realize how affected you were by the jokes. As leader I should have protected you from that. I’m sorry.”    
  
By the time he finished Joshua found himself crying again for what felt like the hundredth time since the trip started. He tried to justify his tears with some kind of answer but it seemed he didn’t need one.

“Yah, Hyung, go back inside and clean up.” Jihoon’s voice came from out of nowhere. “The leaders are setting something up for everyone, so give us a minute, okay?”

Joshua nodded, and was once again surprised as even Jihoon gave him a quick hug before going back to the mysterious task. 

When he walked back into the house he didn’t try to hide the tears this time and let himself get received well by the younger members. They gave him hugs and tissues and didn’t try to overstep, just staying close by in case he needed something. Minghao and Junhui especially focused on him and gave him hugs, understanding where he was coming from with his frustration.    
  
Eventually Vernon came to sit with him, “ _ Yo, you should have seen Jeonghan go off, it was epic. _ ” He nudged him slightly with a smile, “ _ Like, I know he was being serious, but I’ve never seen anyone stand up to staff like that before. _ ”   
  
“ _ Where is he? _ ” Joshua found himself asking.    
  
“ _ Probably out back getting swats in the principal’s office _ .” And at that they dissolved into giggles at Jeonghan’s misfortune. The mirth didn’t last long, but it was appreciated all the same. His stomach was in knots that were slowly unwinding, but he realized he likely wouldn’t feel better until he saw Jeonghan again. 

Fortunately they were all called outside and Joshua quickly spotted Jeonghan standing at the bottom of the path down to the street. He beamed with the smile of a person who wasn’t even remotely sorry for what they’d done, and as a matter of fact looked quite proud of his actions as he quickly skipped back to give Joshua a hug. He didn’t beg for forgiveness or even demand praise, he simply held Joshua tight and pressed what may have been a kiss to his temple. Words weren’t needed, as just seeing Jeonghan and knowing the extent he went to try to help fix the situation was enough.   
  
The leaders finally revealed what they had done, and presented the wall of photos they had set up, each of them getting emotional as they read the letters they wrote. For the uptenth time Joshua found himself misty-eyed, but he was so tired the tears never fell. Instead they seemed to settle in his heart and helped to remind him that he wasn’t alone, that everyone had struggled and he wasn’t purposefully left behind.    
  
That night when he slept he was still between Seungcheol and Jeonghan, but he felt better for it now. Even if they were soulmates, they were still making space for him in their lives as their friend, and that should be enough.    
  
It had to be. 


	4. Time Moves Too Quickly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, as always. ^_^

Over the course of time that Joshua had been with Seventeen, he had always thought that he would have the strength to endure. He never had a reason to doubt that, as he was a rather bright child in the US and had never faced any kind of terrible adversity. However, as the years both flew by and dragged along, he found himself slowly being torn apart. For the things he could control, such as his singing and dancing skills, everything was going well. He was also becoming remarkably better at singing, being recognized as one of the members with a “honeyed voice”.    
  
So why wasn’t he happy?   
  
The feeling always dissipated around the time he went to bed, tormenting him with a sense of loss and failing before falling into a fitful sleep. Or at least it felt like it, though his roommates claimed he slept like the dead, not moving one inch all night, and waking up in the same position he fell asleep in. Regardless, he found himself being among the first to rise, despite feeling like hell and in desperate need of another several hours of sleep to feel truly functional.    
  
After getting ready he went around making sure everyone had clean socks and no one was left still asleep. Finding Jeonghan had somehow managed to sneak back into bed he recalled some recent jokes about Jeonghan being the mom of the group and scoffed out loud. “Mom my ass, he’s the worst kid of them all. Jeonghan-ah, get up, you’re going to wrinkle your shirt and I’m not going to fix it for you.”   
  
He moved to shake Jeonghan but was suddenly thrown off balance, with Jeonghan pulling his arm and dragging Joshua halfway on top of him. Being used as his body pillow struck Joshua as being far too intimate and he struggled to get back up, only to be pulled back down and tossed to the other side, now trapped between him and the wall. “Jeonghan! Get up, let me go—“   
  
“Found you~!” Seokmin’s voice rang out from the doorway, “Yah, these hyungs, going back to sleep. Coups-hyung, I found them, they went back to bed!” Joshua jumped, quickly falling over both himself and Jeonghan to get out of the low bunk bed before Seungcheol saw them. Somehow, it felt like cheating to be close to Jeonghan and he promptly pushed past a giggling Seokmin just as Seungcheol rounded on the doorway.    
  
“Awake?” he asked sternly.    
  
“I was trying to wake up Jeonghan and he grabbed me.” For a moment Joshua felt very small, like a kid being forced to admit to a crime he didn’t commit to a teacher who wouldn’t hear him out.    
  
“Yeah, sounds right.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice. “Whatever, I’ll get him up.” He shoved past Joshua as if in a bad mood already, and it didn’t escape Joshua that Seungcheol closed the door behind him after shoving Seokmin out of the way too. He tried not to find any comfort in the fact that he wasn’t the only one being treated poorly by Seungcheol, or that the two of them were suddenly alone. He squashed the bitter feeling that threatened to ruin his day so early and went back to make sure everyone else was up before Seungcheol turned on them too.    
  
Later in the vans Joshua tried to bring it up to Jeonghan. The three of them being same-age friends meant that they usually only discussed each other’s behavior amongst themselves, leaving the dongsaengs out of it. Unfortunately Jeonghan just brushed him off. “Don’t worry about him, he’s fine. Just shove him back when he does that.”   
  
“Okay, but Seokmin can’t. If he’s upset about something—“   
  
“Then let him be upset, we’re all allowed that much aren’t we?” Jeonghan clipped. “It’s not like we can do anything else about it, so at least let him have his little fits.”

Joshua slumped back in his seat, looking out the window to hide the frustrated expression threatening to break through. The bitter feeling was back, but he tried to reason with it. Of course Jeonghan was going to enable him, why wouldn’t he let his soulmate do whatever he wanted? If Jeonghan really was the mom of the group then he should be the one reigning Seungcheol back, not Joshua trying to protect the others. 

He made it a point to give Seokmin extra attention that day like he was paying penance for Seungcheol’s rude behavior. He later found Jeonghan napping in a corner, but Joshua let him be, knowing he’d get in trouble on his own when a manager inevitably found him. It was petty, but he didn’t care anymore. And why not? If Jeonghan didn’t want to do anything to stop the others from being wrongly punished by Seungcheol when he was in one of his moods then Joshua wasn’t going to go out of his way to keep Jeonghan from getting the same treatment. Besides, the last time he tried to protect Jeonghan it ended in a soul crushing revelation that he was still struggling to wrap his head around, and he was okay with not having another one anytime soon.   
  
He laughed along with the others when Jeonghan finally got in trouble for sleeping, but it sounded hollow in his ears.   
  
Slowly the days turned into weeks as they worked towards their first full album, “Love & Letter”, and Joshua lost the ability to care about anything else. The choreography was difficult, with props and gags going full on non-stop through the whole title song. Remembering where to stop, who to look at, when it was his turn to move and when he needed to come to a stop was quickly becoming exhausting.    
  
On top of that, they were still recording some songs, so vocal warm ups and recording went on all day. Members were being called back every so often because a part was rewritten or assigned to someone else. Joshua found himself having to record what was someone else’s part, or, more often than not, realizing his part had been cut and given to someone else. Rarely did he receive anything but a single “Ah, sorry, I got confused. Then…” from Jihoon, but he supposed that was more than enough from the usually stoic little producer.    
  
Feeling a little left out, he tried to take comfort in the fact that he had a lot of front line parts in the Pretty U choreography, but that comfort soured as he struggled to keep up with some of the better dancers. Not just the dancers either, but the more clever members and their gag parts. More than once Joshua wanted to just drop dead only to hear Soonyoung’s call for another run through. Hyelim-noona was with them too, keeping her careful watch over the group as Soonyoung’s choreography mentor. Nothing escaped her sharp gaze as she called out one mistake after another. 

But, despite all the extra practices long into the small hours of the morning, a nightmare managed to occur in real time, live, and in front of hundreds of fans.    
  
Joshua messed up the Pretty U choreography during the premiere showcase.    
  
And it was not a small mistake either. He was front and center at the formation’s point, doing a repeat of the previous chorus. The crowd knew it didn’t look the same, the group knew it as well. He’d made this mistake a hundred times before and had corrected it as many times. And yet here he was, staring out into the crowd, moving off time as Seungcheol’s hiss was heard right behind him, Jeonghan’s muffled scoff on his other side. Because of course those two were lined up with him, the closest possible front row seats to his nationally aired mistake.    
  
He made sure no one caught him when they finally got off stage. Nearly sprinting down the backstage hall, he finally made it to one of the single stall bathrooms near the offices, locking the door behind him and sinking to the floor. But of course, someone must have seen him and followed, too many eyes in the group for them not to. A gentle knock on the door froze his heart as he heard Jeonghan ask, “Shua, are you okay?”    
  
Trying to clear his throat so his voice would hopefully sound steady he called out, “Just… one minute!”   
  
Sixty seconds. He could do that. Sixty seconds and then he’d pick himself up and move on. He started counting until he heard the sound of Jeonghan’s footsteps retreating. Typical, no words of comfort, but then again what could Jeonghan even say? The mistake was Joshua’s fault, no one else’s. There wasn’t anything to say besides accusations aimed at his lack of skill, but at the very least he was spared that for now. Besides, it was Jeonghan who said that they were allowed to be upset, that they deserved that much freedom.    
  
His sixty seconds turned into five minutes as he tried to fix his face at the sink mirror, the makeup doing much to cover the splotches across his flushed face. By the time he went back he was bracing himself to face a room full of jeers. Opening the door was nearly too much, but he resigned himself to his weakness.    
  
All eyes were on him with a crushing weight. There was a dead silence where he expected shouts and jokes at his expense, and honestly to Joshua the silence was worse. At the very least no one accosted him as he crossed the room to collect his street clothes to change. They let him cross to the dressing room without a word and once the door closed behind him he heard their voices slowly start up again, Soonyoung mentioning something about the choreography that had to be about Joshua so he stopped listening.    
  
After getting dressed, he stayed in the empty dressing room, not wanting to go back and face them. He didn’t want to face anything. The exhaustion from working towards the comeback and the adrenaline that had pushed them towards this first performance had both run him to the ground. Even after taking another ten minutes to himself he still didn’t feel any better. He straightened his costume out on the hanger what felt like a hundred times as a way of stalling. But eventually he couldn’t ignore the manager’s call for them to get in the cars.    
  
Quietly exiting the small dressing room he passed a stylist and caught her clipped and scripted, “Oh, good job today!” as she moved past him to collect their outfits. It was hollow and didn’t mean anything, but a hand clapped his shoulder and turned him around.   
  
It was Seungkwan. “Yeah, good job today Hyung. Hoshi-hyung said he liked your mistake and wants to make it a part of the choreography for next time.” His voice was surprisingly lacking in any kind of sarcasm or insult. Leading Joshua back towards the rest of the group who were slowly collecting their belongings he continued babbling about whatever. It was a good background noise to help drown the silent screaming in his head.    
  
Once everyone was back at the dorm, Seungcheol called them all together to talk but Joshua closed his ears to the conversation. Everyone else took his silence for what it was, shame at his mistake, and no one questioned it or demanded an apology, though he gave them freely with soft “sorry” anytime he was addressed. After talking about the choreography change Soonyoung was planning they finally went to bed.    
  
When his phone vibrated with a text, he almost ignored it until he saw it was sent by Wonwoo. It was a message reminding him not to worry, that they knew he was sensitive about it and that the fans wouldn’t have noticed because they didn’t know what the choreography was supposed to look like. It surprisingly helped, knowing that Wonwoo cared enough to reassure him.   
  
In the end the reassurances weren’t needed as Seventeen finally received their first win shortly thereafter. Many tears were shed as the boys reveled in their well fought award and they celebrated in kind. It didn’t take long before the members who could drink went off on their own, and the ones who still couldn’t went home.    
  
Joshua, of course, went home. He didn’t like drinking anything besides wine and none of the others had any interest in it besides Minghao and Mingyu. Even then, they usually drank it only at home. Part of the reason he went back to the dorm early on this particular day was the fact that Jeonghan had grabbed Seungcheol and begged him to buy him a drink. Joshua wanted nothing to do with that.    
  
It seemed the better Seventeen did, the closer those two became, which only made Joshua feel depressed and left out. He acknowledged that part of that was his own doing by literally leaving himself out on purpose, but another part of him whispered that he didn’t deserve being a part of that. If someone wanted him, they could come after him. Otherwise, he’d leave himself out of the way.   
  
It was with this in mind that months later he found himself agreeing to a choreography decision that would have been insulting to any other member. That Joshua was given the point choreography for the lead in to the chorus of Very Nice was all well and good, but then he was to walk off stage. And stay there. Until halfway through the second verse. Just him, and no one else.    
  
He was sure it was partly due to his horrible inability to learn the chorus part and didn’t argue. After all, they weren’t wrong. While everyone else had made leaps and bounds with their dancing Joshua felt like he’d only really made any kind of improvement to his singing. But, even if he was better than the majority of the group, he would always be behind the other four vocal team members. So it happened that during vocal team’s songwriting and recording sessions he didn’t ask for more than he was given. It was enough that he had a lot of lines in Drift Away for the last album, even if he only had a couple of small parts in the actual vocal team song off the album.    
  
He accepted his parts and his place, not wanting to get in the way as he sat out while the rest of the group went over the chorus. During this time he just watched everyone else work. With every pass their moves became smoother and more fluid, moving swiftly as they became more and more synchronized. During a break Seungcheol came up to sit next to him. “Are you doing okay?”   
  
“Yeah, of course. I’m not exactly working myself to death over here like the rest of you.” The answer was sardonic, something he was sure he picked up from Jeonghan, and Seungcheol smirked at it.    
  
“Just try not to worry about it. The choreo looks great like this, and it gives you a break. Better for everyone, right?” A few of the members nearby also voiced their agreements from afar, including Jeonghan who easily told him they’d be alright.    
  
Of course everyone would be alright, that was never in question. Everyone except Joshua, who easily gave up on trying. He couldn’t do it, and he didn’t want to try after hearing the whole group agree that this was better. The voice in his head mimicked theirs and he wasn’t going to fight it anymore.   
  
Things went well for that comeback and Joshua only noticed some minor comments from fans about him standing out, although most of them were actually surprised that he was missing. He set his phone down with a sigh. “They… didn’t even notice.” Speaking the words aloud in the empty room burned less than he thought they would but that voice once again bolstered him with an acidic thought. That him being gone from the choreography didn’t detract from it in any way. No one noticed him because it was better. He would have just ruined the choreo, he justified to himself.   
  
He told himself he was fine with this treatment, because the quality of the group came first before any personal feelings. It was why Jeonghan and Seungcheol didn’t tell anyone about their relationship, he was sure, but also why none of them ever breathed a word about soulmates except to the Carats as fan service. Joshua had long since stopped looking for his own mark, falling deeper into resignation that he wouldn’t be happier even if he did find his soulmate.   
  
He shuddered violently, immediately dispelling any thoughts about soul marks and moving to get up. He needed to eat, after wasting part of his break looking up their fan’s thoughts online. Walking into the practice room he noticed only a few people left. His eyes naturally scanned the room for Jeonghan but found nothing. “Hey, did Jeonghan already leave for lunch?”    
  
Mingyu looked up thoughtfully. “Ah, yeah, I saw him leave with Seokmin and Jihoon-hyung.”   
  
Joshua was about to segue into asking Mingyu to go eat with him when Vernon piped up, “Seungkwan went with them too!”    
  
He once again was about speak up when a final voice in the room murmured, “… Isn’t that all of the vocal team?” Joshua’s head swiveled around until he found Minghao sitting on the floor, the remnants of his own lunch between him and Junhui. They both looked back at Joshua with neutral faces, but he had to look away to hide his own expression as he turned to leave the room again.    
  
Out in the hall he hit the first number he could think of with a slight tremor in his hands. After a moment of ringing, Jihoon answered, “Hello?”   
  
“Hey. Where did you go for lunch?” He was stalling, he knew it, but he was hoping Jihoon would notice he was missing first.   
  
“We’re at that one place Seokmin was talking about yesterday.”    
  
“He’s with you right? Everyone is?”   
  
Finally Jihoon paused, “What do you mean everyone? It’s just me, Seokmin, Jeonghan, and Seungkwan.”    
  
“So you all went without me. The vocal team.” It wasn’t a question.    
  
“Wh—Oh, I guess we did.”    
  
What’s worse, Joshua thought as he let his arm drop the phone from his ear, Jihoon didn’t sound the least bit remorseful about it. Distantly he could hear Jihoon’s tinny voice starting to give some excuse over the speaker but it was too far away now to make out what he was saying. Instead he brought the end of his phone to his mouth, not bothering to bring the speaker to his ear, and quietly whispered, “Nevermind, it’s okay,” before ending the call.   
  
Recently it seemed it was always okay to leave him out, he thought to himself. No one missed him. The others all went ahead and ate without him. But that was his fault too, for going and looking up stupid comments online instead of asking someone to go with him to get food.    
  
Only now his stomach was sour and he didn’t feel like eating. Well, skipping one meal wouldn’t kill him, not when they were preparing for a comeback. Some of the members agonized over starvation diets, so this was better, not eating when he really didn’t want to.   
  
Everything was better this way.


	5. Succor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, we just have to accept help.
> 
> Enjoy.

It was just after Joshua’s 22nd Korean birthday when the announcement went out that Seventeen was going to do another reality TV show sometime soon. The reaction was immediate as everyone became wary, and for good reason. Fears of being castaway came flooding back and it was obvious that they weren’t trusting of the script writers in the least. It also didn’t escape anyone’s notice that their schedule extended a full week after their Japan concerts in January, so extra precautions were taken with packing.   
  
Sure enough, after dinner on the night of their last concert they were gathered and found out they were once again traveling for One Fine Day. The film editors savagely did not cut out the moment everyone collectively flinched. After a while of some back and forth arguing they split into hyung and dongsaeng teams and picked their captains.   
  
Joshua was high key happy that it was Jeonghan going first, as he gladly followed his lead and graciously let himself fade into the background. Or at least, he tried, but as soon as they found their lost Jihoonie at the airport the following morning he found himself being called to Jeonghan’s side.   
  
As it turned out, most travel attendants spoke English, meaning Joshua was the only one in the hyung team who could get them the correct info to get on their plane on time. As he went from one service window to the next he found himself showered with compliments from the other members. While he easily maintained a calm and collected front for the cameras, internally he was screaming at the kind words.    
  
His mind raced with terrible thoughts. They were praising him now, but what if he screwed up? What if he made a linguistic mistake that the Japanese staff didn’t understand and ruined everything for everyone? It’d be entirely his fault if the broadcast fell apart because of his inabilities at speaking his own primary language. The anxiety built as they found a man who was willing to help but spoke neither English nor Korean and suddenly everything was hinging on a game of charades.    
  
Eventually they were seated on the plane and Joshua finally felt like he could breathe, only to find he still had to help when they arrived in Akita. And once Jeonghan realized that he had lost the tablet he began stressing out hard. Naturally Joshua began to empathize with him, feeding off Jeonghan’s stress to the point of missing a lot of details he should have been paying attention to.   
  
The rest of the day went about the same, the stress of both being useful for his English and being unhelpful when English wasn’t needed didn’t help. He felt like he was only laughing as a means to force himself to live in the moment, pointedly ignoring the stress that was slowly trying to weigh him down.    
  
Japan was different in terms of how they handled soulmates. While they did treat it like an adult issue like Korea, their age limit was much lower, closer to fourteen and fifteen year olds. They had also actually created something of an industry around it and thus signage advertising discounts for soulmate pairs abounded in shops and restaurants.    
  
To that point, their first task was actually to find a bench designed for soulmates to sit on together. While Joshua swallowed down the twinge of pain in his heart, he also thought it might be nice if Jeonghan and Seungcheol got to sit on it. However, it was not meant to be as the dongsaeng team accomplished the task first and so the hyung team never went up the tower. True to form, Seungcheol didn’t mention the bench afterward nor any indication that he ever wanted to go to it for any kind of personal reason. While his attitude didn’t turn sour, it did cause a bit of contention for the hyung team who knew they shouldn’t normally talk about soulmates.    
  
Fortunately their luck changed for the better. As the days went on the games became more and more fun, giving Joshua a sense of healing he truly needed. Quietly each member came up to him at some point or another to give him sincere words of encouragement or thanks for his help while they were abroad.    
  
They appreciated his cooking while at the onsen, and their mukbang of horror didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would. Part of it was the nickname Jeonghan had been liberally using as of late. Calling him Joshuji was something only he did, and the others already recognized that it was a personal nickname that only he was allowed to use. To have something from Jeonghan that was his and his alone, even if it was just a nickname, meant a lot to Joshua.    
  
The nightmare returned, of course, when it was his turn to be captain. It started out innocently enough, as the they used the carat bong to exchange team members and everyone took it in stride. He spent some time with Soonyoung once he was also named captain and they planned their next day together.   
  
And then things started snowballing. The gag to replace the money wasn’t originally his plan and everyone else started building onto it. Putting the carat bong in his bag was just for assurance, as he had no idea they’d lose their carrier. Knowing it got stolen just meant that Soonyoung had for sure told the dongsaeng team about their plan and suddenly they had to move quickly.  Rather than leading, Joshua suddenly felt like he was just following.    
  
He actually was following, in fact, when Seungcheol went first into the dongsaeng’s rooms to start what would be one of the most stressful and harrowing events of the trip. Once again Seungcheol went too far with not wanting to lose, and instead of stopping him Jeonghan simply went along with it, accosting the younger members as well and forcing them to comply with the rules of the game.    
  
As anxiety pooled in his stomach he found he couldn’t speak up, couldn’t stop them from making things worse. When they left and Soonyoung virtually threw a fit it hit Joshua hard. He knew as captain he would be blamed for it, but he also knew if he turned on Seungcheol that both him and Jeonghan would be against him. Feeling lost yet trapped at the same time, Joshua simply returned to his room in the hopes that things would resolve. He couldn’t do anything, he was useless.   
  
Eventually he heard Seungcheol’s voice from the next room through the open door and listened.   
  
“I almost got angry,” he admitted to Jeonghan, “and I wanted to yell at Hoshi for behaving like that towards us.” Joshua waited for Jeonghan to agree and for the two of them to just rile each other up, but he was surprised by his next words.    
  
“I wanted to talk after that…” Jeonghan started carefully, “Cheolie, I don’t think we were right. Just because we’re hyungs doesn’t mean we should target them like we did.”    
  
Seungcheol squared up, “They were the ones being disrespectful. We were only trying to have fun—“

“But to have fun at their expense? That isn’t right either! How can we be happy if they’re upset?” Silence filled the gap as Jeonghan continued, “This isn’t about this team or that team, or even who’s oldest. We’re all one team in the end aren’t we? How is this any different from cutting off your own hand for being clumsy?” 

To be honest Joshua was surprised. He hadn’t been there in Yeoseodo when Jeonghan fought with the script writers on his behalf and he’d never seen Jeonghan fight Seungcheol’s authority before. Was it only easy for him because he was his soulmate?   
  
Somewhere Joshua found the strength to stand and when he stood in the doorway he found Seungcheol sitting under Jeonghan’s stern gaze looking on all accounts like a puppy that knew he had done wrong.   
  
“Shall we talk then?” Joshua spoke up, holding himself against the door frame to give the illusion of being nonchalant. “Isn’t that better? To talk amongst ourselves? No one else is going to fix this but us.” When they didn’t answer, Joshua took a deep breath and pushed forward. If there was anything he could say, it was this, “S.Coups, you know the kids won’t come and speak up to you after that. They’re afraid of you, especially now that they know you won’t back down. You have to go to them and apologize.” Telling Seungcheol to do anything was far beyond anything Joshua felt he was capable of, but at that moment he had to do something to protect the others.    
  
Jeonghan’s voice almost startled him when he spoke up, “Is that better?” The words were aimed at Seungcheol, who didn’t look like he was about to fight back in the least.    
  
“I think that’s better.” He finally admitted.   
  
The end result of Joshua’s day had finally come to some kind of conclusion, with him and all the kids sharing the food they had plundered from the convenience store earlier. He marveled quietly to himself at the effect his words had. As he ate, watching Jeonghan tell a story from across the small table, he couldn’t help but think that small amount of strength he found came from Jeonghan himself. If he could stop being so afraid of Seungcheol and actually pursued a deeper friendship with Jeonghan, would he be even stronger? Or was that selfish to ask?    
  
Jeonghan already called them best friends, and to everyone else they were already closer than any two members on the team, and yet Joshua felt light years away from him most of the time. Or maybe it was just when Jeonghan was with Seungcheol. That theirs was a bond he couldn’t dare to break or intrude upon. He’d heard them giggling together the night before as Seungcheol wrote his captain’s diary together with Jeonghan. The only reason they didn’t say they were the closest members was likely because they didn’t want to draw suspicion to each other. But, Joshua admitted to himself, it was obvious. They had to be together. It was the only way he could explain it.   
  
With this in mind Joshua spent the last days carefully occupying his time with the other members of his team, as well as the dongsaengs when he could, but eventually the trip ended with the logout board game. While the members told one story after the next about themselves, Joshua could only think of one particularly embarrassing story from high school to share.    
  
He wondered if his story wasn’t good enough to make the actual broadcast when everyone suddenly shouted that they were going to take a group picture outside the building. There was a small river running not too far away from the street as the area was pretty rural and they decided it was the perfect backdrop for the picture.   
  
After a round with each team alone they finally came together as a group, standing on the rocks with the river behind them. Two or three shots later and everyone started walking away except a few of the younger members, who wanted to see how deep the river was. Joshua decided he’d rather spend time with them and stood nearby, not too close to the edge but still standing on the uneven rocky bank.   
  
“Shua-hyung! Look at this, I think there’s actually fish in here.” Soonyoung excitedly jumped about.   
  
“Of course there’s fish, it’s a river, but don’t jump around, you might fall.” Joshua edged forward, wanting to be close in case he did lose his footing.    
  
“Ehhh, I’m not going to fall!” Soonyoung waved Joshua over. “Come look, come look!”   
  
In hindsight, Joshua should have known something was up. He should have seen the glint in Soonyoung’s eyes, the petty anger at Joshua for the day they were team captains and everyone got upset.   
  
But he didn’t. Instead he listened and took another step closer, and then another. He turned his back to Hoshi as he peered into the river a short ways below them.   
  
And then he felt it. Hands on his back, and a good shove that was a touch too hard for his light frame. The feint would have been funny, and a good laugh after Soonyoung pulled Joshua back.   
  
Except he couldn’t pull him at all. He made a grab but misjudged how thin Joshua had become and hadn’t caught his narrow hips. Instead he had nothing but the hem of Joshua’s jacket latched with only a couple of fingers. Joshua’s feet slid, finding no purchase on the wet rocks closer to the river’s edge.   
  
Soonyoung’s tug on the jacket both caused him to lose his grip and prevented Joshua from getting his feet under him as he tipped forward. His hands went out, a reflex reaction in an attempt to catch himself.

And he went headfirst into the river.   
  
Biting cold enveloped him as his hands scraped the bottom of the rocky waterway, the current much deeper and faster than he initially assumed. The freezing water immediately numbed his whole body as he struggled to find the water’s surface, hands scrabbling against sharp rocks as he tried to push himself upright again. The rushing sound of water covered the screams of the members and staff who were desperately trying to get to him. Tossed like a rag doll in the rough water, he finally felt his back slam into something, the back of his head hitting against the hard surface.   
  
His vision went white, and he lost time.   
  
Somewhere he heard screaming. Clearly at that, no more water filling his head. Something soft was touching his cheek, and he tried to open his eyes. Whiteness filled his vision and for a moment he thought he was blind, only to focus against the glare and realize he was looking at snow. He felt his body move, but not of his own accord. Someone was moving him, his limbs. Another shriek, this voice much closer, before he felt a limb move again.    
  
Voices crowded him, his senses spinning. Hands pressed close to his neck, turning him to face the sky and the cold numbness of the snow beneath him kept him from feeling any pain from his head. As far as Joshua could tell, that was the only injury he had, but he couldn’t tell much.   
  
His focus faded as he closed his eyes, only to reopen them when someone moved his head again. Something soft but stiff closed around his neck, pressing on his collar bones and sending a sense of panic through him that he hadn’t felt yet. He’d never worn a neck brace before but somehow his mind managed to figure it out. Before he could voice any complaints he was suddenly being pulled sideways and then lifted off the ground. His senses spun and he lost time again.   
  
Periodically he opened his eyes against the loud voices nearby, both familiar and foreign. One of the times he came to he heard nothing but rapid fire Japanese and felt a burning sting in both his hands before quietly slipping back under. The next time a light was shining bright into one eye and then the other, someone wearing a face mask loudly calling his name and waiting for him to answer. He wasn’t sure what he said in response, but it must have been good enough as the light disappeared and he was able to go back to sleep.   
  
The next time he opened his eyes he was staring at another bright light that wasn’t the sun but felt just as painful. Groaning against it he tried to turn his head but found he couldn’t move it at all. Sound was muffled, like there was cotton in his ears, but he thought he heard someone say his name. He ignored it in favor of closing his eyes to the light and trying to move away from it. While he could move his body he couldn’t feel it, bitter cold numbing all of his limbs.   
  
Another muffled voice that sounded nothing like any language Joshua knew and he forced his voice to work. “Light,” He rasped, “‘s too bright.” He waited to see if the person belonging to the voice heard him but nothing changed. “The light, please, turn it off.” His own voice sounded dull in his ears, but finally the light behind his eyelids dimmed and he dared to open them again.    
  
The first thing he saw was Jeonghan’s arm, reaching to hit a light switch that must have been behind his head. His face appeared in Joshua’s field of view but he didn’t like what he saw.    
  
His face looked splotchy and dull, like he wiped his makeup off with a paper towel instead of washing it properly. On top of that, without eyeliner the redness that rimmed his eyes was unmistakable. He’d been crying, why was Jeonghan crying?   
  
“Hey.” Joshua saw his lips form the word, still unable to hear correctly just yet. “How do you feel?” He thought he said.    
  
“Can’t hear you. Feels like cotton in my head.”   
  
“There is.” Huh? There was? Carefully Jeonghan reached up and touched Joshua’s ear. A dull scratching sound filled his ear before Jeonghan reached across and did the same to the other side and suddenly everything was clear. As Jeonghan pulled back he showed Joshua wads of actual cotton in his hands.    
  
He was assaulted by sounds, bustling outside the room he was in, beeping and singing machines distantly floating in through the open glass doors of what was obviously a hospital room. Not just a room, but a large open space with many machines flanking the walls and large carts standing nearby, trash littered here and there from hastily opened packages of medical implements. Joshua couldn’t see any part of himself as he couldn’t turn his head to look down, but he felt warm air from the strange blanket on him slowly bringing life back to his numb limbs. “Jeonghan,” his voice sounded too loud now, “Where are we?”   
  
Jeonghan looked away to the open door, as if it would give the answer to Joshua’s question. When no one magically appeared he slowly turned back. “We... We’re in the emergency room, at a hospital in Akita.”   
  
“Akita? We weren’t in Akita, we were—“   
  
‘We had to bring you here by ambulance.”   
  
Joshua swallowed thickly. The gravity in Jeonghan’s voice silenced him. And they stayed in that suffocating silence until two men came into a room. One was the familiar face of their manager Dongro and the other was a man in hospital scrubs, speaking in hushed, accented Korean. As soon as he saw Joshua was awake his face turned bright. “Hello Joshua-ssi! I’m Dr. Kuroda, overseeing your care here at the Nakadori general hospital.” The loud man ran through some tests for his eyes and coordination and then sat in the seat opposite Jeonghan.   
  
Though the doctor was explaining to him that the tests on his head and neck came back negative and that he didn’t need the neck brace, he kept his eyes trained on Jeonghan. He didn’t relax until Jeonghan gave him a tense smile.    
  
“So, now that you aren’t going to be transferred to the brain and blood institute, we have to focus on your hands.” Joshua’s attention quickly jumped back to the doctor, who’s face was deceptively cheerful. “Luckily the cold river kept the swelling down and the trauma nurses cleaned them well. We’re going to keep you overnight upstairs just to insure you aren’t showing any signs of concussion or infection, but we do have to teach you and your friends here how to clean the wounds until they heal. Not to worry, the braces we’ll fit you with should only be necessary for a few days to a week at most, at least until the skin heals enough that you can go with just the bandages.”   
  
The rest of his speech was lost as a nurse stepped in and removed the collar around his neck, letting him look down for the first time. Though a warming blanket was draped over him his hands were on top of the covers placed on towels.    
  
All he could see was black hand braces covering white gauze.   
  
Panic started seeping into his bones as he realized he couldn’t move his fingers against the bindings, only able to tense his hands slightly under the braces but for sure couldn’t hold anything. The panic must have been obvious on his face as Jeonghan moved to his side, petting his hair slightly as he whispered, “It’s okay, it’s okay, I saw your hands, it’s not that bad, you’ll be fine.”    
  
The panic didn’t abate as they moved him to a quiet private room on a unit on a higher floor in the hospital. Their manager left announcing that he and Jeonghan would stay with Joshua for the next two nights while the rest of the group and staff went home on a plane in the morning. Jeonghan refused to go to the hotel with him and instead insisted in staying the night in Joshua’s hospital room with him. He didn’t remember when he went to sleep, but he knew he kept being woken up by the night nurse every so often. It annoyed him, his mind only able to focus on one emotion at a time in a form of some kind of fight or flight response, but she eventually got out the Korean word for concussion and he gave up fighting her.    
  
It wasn’t until the morning, when he was awoken by the need to pee as opposed to any foreign nurse that the panic finally set in deeply. He couldn’t do it alone, he would have to ask for help, and that was horrifying. He looked down at the braces protecting his hands and wanted to scream, but all that came out was a rough sob, feeling like river water was still caught in his throat.   
  
He didn’t hear Jeonghan get up, but soon Joshua’s head was pressed against his friend’s chest as he cried bitterly.   
  
After mortifying self-care lessons in the bathroom from the nurse, he felt a little less like his world was collapsing. He watched as the wound care team, thankfully a Korean man among them, taught him, Jeonghan, and Dongro how to clean and rebandage his hands. Jeonghan was being generous when he said his hands were fine. All the skin was raw with an angry red color, deep cuts and scrapes littering his fingers and palms. The numbness was from the lidocaine salve the nurse applied liberally before wrapping his hand from wrist to fingertip with soft white gauze. He was assured he’d have use of his hands back in no more than two weeks time, but he felt so helpless he had to force himself not to cry in front of the man.   
  
Joshua was discharged from the hospital on the grounds that he have someone change his bandages twice a day, cleaning them very well to prevent infection. Between that, the broad spectrum antibiotics for safety and the looming threat of needing help to shower, Joshua found himself reeling as he deposited himself on the edge of a bed in a hotel room with Jeonghan. Dongro reminded them of their flight the next day before disappearing into the adjacent room.   
  
“Come on, let me help you with your jacket.” Jeonghan held his hands out to Joshua shoulders, asking silent permission to pull it off. He moved slowly, letting the coat fall down his arms as Jeonghan carefully pulled it off around his braces. Joshua knew he was being treated like glass and it made him exhausted. He felt completely useless, realizing he’d need to ask Jeonghan for help with eating and dressing. And showering. He wondered if he could avoid the shower for now, but his hair still smelled faintly of the river and he knew he’d have to ask before the end of the day and he just couldn’t bring himself to just yet.   
  
“What do you want for lunch?” Jeonghan’s voice brought him out of his thoughts.    
  
‘Um...” What could he eat that wouldn’t require help? “Something thin, a soup maybe?”   
  
“Okay. There’s a seafood soup on the menu, is that okay?” He nodded, and let Jeonghan order their lunch without anymore input. When it arrived Joshua blanched. It was a heavy soup, with huge chunks of seafood that would require some kind of utensil to eat. At the very least he was able to lift the bowl even with the braces and was able to drink some of the broth. He had been able to eat well during the broadcast filming but having had so much food after so long of eating very little didn’t sit well in his stomach. The soup broth felt like more than enough after a week of very heavy food so he pushed it away and moved to get up. All he wanted to do was lie down on his bed and do nothing forever. 

“You aren’t going to finish it?” He asked carefully.

“Ah, no, it’s okay. You can have it.” He lied down on his side, shoving his hands under the pillow so he wouldn’t have to see them, and let himself nap the afternoon away. At some point he heard Dongro’s voice, but only clearly heard Jeonghan tell him to let Joshua sleep, “The nurses kept him up last night for the concussion watch.” He clarified, and Joshua drifted off again.    
  
The next time he woke up it was Jeonghan nudging his shoulder. “Shua, you need to eat dinner. Do you want me to order for you?” He hummed in response, not quite a yes but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t eat it anyways.    
  
Sure enough, when their dinner did come Joshua turned his nose up at it. It would have been too hard to eat without asking Jeonghan to feed him like a baby, and it was too heavy besides. He was about to say he didn’t want it when Jeonghan picked up Joshua’s chopsticks and brought a piece of food up to his lips. Unable to refuse, he took a bite, pretending to like it until Jeonghan turned to his own food. They silently did this a few times more before Joshua pulled back. “It’s too much, I’m fine.”   
  
“Like hell you are.” Jeonghan whispered under his breath. Joshua’s eyes went wide, fear gripping him. Jeonghan was mad at him. He’d done something wrong, he needed to apologize but the lump suddenly forming in his throat stopped him from speaking. “At least try to finish half of it.” Jeonghan demanded, turning back towards his own food for the moment.    
  
Joshua tried to breath but he couldn’t keep it steady. He wanted to apologize for suddenly becoming a burden, for not wanting to eat, but nothing came out. He watched in horror as Jeonghan moved to pick up another piece of food for him and he slowly accepted it, swallowing thickly around the food that went down like a stone.   
  
He couldn’t wipe away the single tear that escaped.    
  
Jeonghan’s eyes went wide as Joshua’s flood gates opened. Like he had that morning Joshua cried bitterly but this time the sobs were loud and violent, shaking his shoulders and wracking his whole body. The dull pain in the back of his head came back with a vengeful headache and suddenly Joshua was not fine at all. He felt like a small teenager again, crying on the floor in a too-small dorm bathroom waiting for someone to tell him his life was over because he made a huge mistake.   
  
He felt Jeonghan’s hands on his face, futilely wiping away the tears, but he couldn’t hear his attempted words of comfort over his own cries. Distantly a door opened and he heard Dongro’s voice add to the din, but he couldn’t focus on it. At some point Jeonghan got the manager to leave as Joshua found himself being pulled out of his chair and into Jeonghan’s arms. He didn’t say anything more, just gently rocked Joshua back and forth until the sobbing stopped.    
  
Feeling more worn out than when he fell into the river Joshua let Jeonghan hold his weight as he sniffled against his sweater. “Joshua, I know you won’t want me to, but you need to get cleaned up before you go to bed. Will you let me help you?”   
  
Without any other choice Joshua nodded, letting himself be led to the bathroom. Jeonghan sat him on the edge of the large bathtub as he went back to get the medical kit the hospital gave them. Across from him in the bathroom was a large floor to ceiling mirror and Joshua honestly thought he looked like hell. His face looked horrible as it was obvious his makeup had been wiped off the previous day the same way Jeonghan’s had. On top of that he’d been crying hard and his hair was a whole other monster he didn’t even want to look at as he turned back towards Jeonghan who walked back in.   
  
He removed Joshua’s braces easy enough but he became confused when Jeonghan had him stand and pulled him to the sink. Jeonghan washed his own hands carefully before filling the basin with warm water and dropped both of Joshua’s hands in. They watched as the crusted bandages slowly loosened and started to fall away. With little warning, Jeonghan started unwinding the end from Joshua’s wrist and moved down towards his fingers.   
  
Sharp pain bloomed across his palm and Joshua flinched. “Sorry,” Jeonghan mumbled, but continued, unwinding faster and faster until he accidentally pulled off one around a middle finger that was still stuck to a gash.   
  
“No—!” Joshua yanked his hand out of the water causing Jeonghan to accidentally rip the last of the bandage off. He cradled his exposed hand weakly to his chest as he backed against the wall. “No more! It hurts! It hurts too much, just leave it alone.”   
  
But Jeonghan’s earlier ire was already gone, replaced instead by the softest of looks as he dropped the bloody, water soaked bandage in the trash and slowly stepped up to Joshua again. “I know, taking it off is going to hurt. But you can’t just leave it alone like that, the bandage could be covering an infection.” With a gentleness he rarely displayed, he pulled Joshua back to the sink and dipped his hands back in. “The only way it will heal well is if you open it up and clean it, no matter how much it hurts.”   
  
Joshua sniffled pathetically but let Jeonghan work again with only a few protests of pain. He was shushed softly but it wasn’t patronizing in the least. Soon enough Jeonghan turned away from the sink to start running the bath. In a fit of fear Joshua tried to stop him but he couldn’t touch Jeonghan with his exposed hands so he let his hand waver uselessly between them as Jeonghan went about the room busily. It wasn’t until he put down a rolled towel next to the tub as a kneeling pad that Joshua realized what he was planning on doing.    
  
Making an embarrassing sound much like a whimper, he tried to sound convincing. “I... I don’t really think I need that much help...” however his voice faded quickly as Jeonghan stared him down. 

“Of course you do. Are you worried I’d stare?” Though Joshua said nothing Jeonghan understood. He turned towards the bath and poured something into it. A lot of something. Slowly bubbles started to fill the surface. 

“There, then I can’t see anything. Better?” Jeonghan smiled reassuringly. He walked up to Joshua and cautiously tugged at the hem of his shirt. “Up.” He whispered as he started to undress him.

Embarrassed, Joshua turned so he wouldn’t expose his front as he was helped out of his bottoms. Jeonghan kept his head turned away until Joshua was safely in the water. “Keep your hands over the edge so they don’t get wet while I rinse your hair.”

They were quiet as Jeonghan worked, washing and rinsing his hair and scrubbing Joshua’s back. When he reached his waist he paused, hand resting on the small of his back just under the water’s surface. “Oh,” Joshua caught on, “it’s okay, you don’t have to… go any lower.” He turned back towards him to put some distance between them but Jeonghan had already turned his eyes away from Joshua’s body. 

“Okay.” His voice was barely above a whisper, not meeting Joshua’s eyes, which was probably better for both of them. With the pain-relieving ointment washed off his hands they slowly started to sting and Jeonghan decided they’d done enough. He helped Joshua stand and quickly wrapped a towel around his waist before he became more embarrassed.

He sat on the edge of the tub as Jeonghan washed his hands again and put on gloves to gently massage salve into his wounds. The sting slowly faded as the bandages wound over and around his fingers, trapping them again and making them useless.    
  
It wasn’t until the braces were on that Joshua felt safe enough to dry himself off without assistance. He only managed to get his underwear on, and not without a lot of frustration, before he had to swallow his pride and ask Jeonghan to help him with the rest. It was mortifying, being dressed like a child, but the gentle smile aimed at him more than made up for it.   
  
He was sitting up in bed, staring down his phone that he couldn’t use or even unlock when Jeonghan suddenly appeared in his line of sight. Unfortunately, he was holding the half-finished tray of food. “I take it you don’t want the rest of this.” He said softly. It wasn’t a question.   
  
He could only shake his head as Jeonghan set it aside. Hesitantly he sat next to Joshua, handing him his medicine and helping him take a drink of water to wash it down. The two of them sat shoulder to shoulder as Jeonghan turned on the TV to a random channel. They watched mindlessly for a while before the buzzing of Joshua’s abandoned phone drove him insane. He wondered if he could somehow throw it across the room when Jeonghan picked it up and turned it off, setting it out of sight on the nightstand.    
  
“It’s just the group chat, they’ve been worried about you.” Joshua wasn’t sure what to say so Jeonghan continued, “Can we talk about the food?” More silence. Jeonghan sighed weakly as he placed a hand on Joshua’s thigh. “You’ve lost too much weight, I could see it in the bath. You don’t have to worry about your waistline Joshua, you're not anywhere close to the limit.”   
  
Joshua worked his jaw as if to say something but instead chose to stay silent. It wasn’t Jeonghan’s problem, none of this was, and he wasn’t about to put even more on him. It was enough that he was willing to do as much as he had. When Jeonghan didn’t look away, he decided to tell him something that wasn’t exactly a lie. “I... I can’t feed myself. And it feels horrible.” Definitely not a lie.   
  
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of, this isn’t your fault.” He barked out a laugh, “If anything, it’s Hoshi’s.”   
  
“I shouldn’t have been that close to the river.” He whispered, pulling his knees up and turned away.   
  
After a moment of silence Jeonghan turned his head back. “Joshua, look at me. None of this is your fault. None of it, okay? It isn’t your fault that you fell in, and no one is blaming you. I made sure of it.” It was at that Joshua perked up.   
  
‘You... made sure of it? What did you say?”   
  
“The same thing I told them last time, that if they dared to breathe a word against you that I’d rip all of them new ones and throw them into the river too.” He said it with such a straight face that Joshua couldn’t help but cough out a laugh. Jeonghan broke as well and for a moment they both laughed a little at the ridiculous thought.   
  
Feeling a little lighter, Joshua ventured to ask, “But, wait, what do you mean the last time? When else did you threaten them?” He swallowed thickly, “In... Yeoseodo?”   
  
“Well, yes, then too, but also during the showcase, after your Pretty U mistake.” Joshua balked at him. “I’m the one who told them not to make jokes at you because I knew you were trying to run away from us. I think... you’ve been running from us for a while, haven’t you?”   
  
At that Joshua clammed up, turning away to lay down on his side. He heard Jeonghan sigh before he tugged at the covers, “At least get under the blanket,” he chided lightly, forcing Joshua to move until he was tucked in up to the shoulders.    
  
But still, Jeonghan didn’t leave, sitting behind him with a hand resting on his arm. “Its like I said,” he started slowly, “even if it hurts you have to rip off the bandage and tell us when you aren’t feeling good so we can help you clear things up. Otherwise those bad feelings will just poison you.” His hand started stroking his arm in a form of comfort that Joshua realized he desperately needed. “This past year has been really hard on you, hasn’t it? But you keep saying you’re fine, and I know you’re not.”   
  
“... How?” Jeonghan’s hand stopped as he looked at the back of Joshua’s head in confusion. “How did you know I wasn’t fine? Everyone has days like me, why would you think I wasn’t any worse than them?”   
  
Softly, the bed dipped closer and he felt Jeonghan’s arm wrap around his shoulder in the semblance of a hug. “Because I was watching you. I was always watching you, and I knew something was wrong. I was sad, because you used to always tell me everything, and you relied on me. You... were the closest person to me back then.” There was something left out there, but Joshua tried not to think about Seungcheol. “But when you stopped I thought I’d done something wrong. I tried to fix it by making everyone else treat you better but... I don’t think it’s working.” He moved his arm away and sat up straight. “I hope you’ll tell me soon. I want us to be like we were before. I want you to be the first person in my life. ”   
  
Joshua turned around without hesitation. This time he couldn’t stop himself from letting Seungcheol come to mind, but his thoughts screeched to a halt before he could ask the one question he’d been dying to know for sure. Wasn’t Seungcheol his soulmate? Did that not matter to Jeonghan?    
  
... Was there a chance Jeonghan would actually choose him?   
  
This time when tears filled his eyes there was no surprise on Jeonghan’s face as he gently pulled Joshua to him again. “I want that too,” Joshua managed to breath into Jeonghan’s shirt, “I want you to be first too.”   
  
In a rush Joshua started crying about feeling worthless and left out, that everyone was right when they called him a bad dancer and cut him from the choreography. He cried that the stress was making it too hard to eat, that he didn’t want to throw away the food just because he felt like dying when he couldn’t eat it. And he cried because now he was nothing more than a burden on Jeonghan because the other members thought pretending to shove him in a river was a good prank.   
  
He ended up feeling so exhausted after his rant that he fell asleep pressed close to Jeonghan’s side. That night his dreams were a swirl of the past week, all of the healing they had done overshadowed by the river accident, the visions bordering on nightmares. When he woke up in a sudden fit he was quieted by a hand stroking down his back, pulling him closer and making him feel safer than he had in a very long time. His brain resurfaced a memory of a feverish night years ago the first time he slept in Jeonghan’s arms and he found comfort in it for the first time since that horrible day had happened. Somehow, it didn’t seem nearly as bad now as it had then.   
  
Waking up the next morning was a blessing, warmth spreading from the place where Jeonghan’s chest was pressed to Joshua’s back. Luckily that warmth didn’t dissipate as they got up and Joshua found the strength to ask Jeonghan to help him wash up. They even managed a little laughter as Jeonghan made a soap mustache on Joshua with his foaming face wash. Re-wrapping the bandages on his hands hurt as bad as before, only now the stiffness had really settled into his bones. Luckily dressing did not include underwear so that went by easier than before.    
  
Their next hurdle however, was making it through the airport to make it back to South Korea without a ton of fan sites swarming them. Leaving out of Japan was fine, but when they landed at Incheon airport they braced themselves for the cameras. At the very least they saved them from the flash, but he was certain the sweater paws didn’t completely hide the braces on his hands. Luckily Jeonghan handled everything for him, and he never had to raise a finger for anything.   
  
The shock of the day came when it was announced that the members would be coming home early, their day ending at dinner and their schedule the next day completely clear. The doom clock started ticking right when the first members arrived home and Jeonghan curtly told them to wait in the living room until everyone was back. One after another they started filling the living room, everyone giving Joshua a wide berth while simultaneously keeping their eyes glued to the black straps barely hidden by Jeonghan’s stolen oversized sweater.   
  
Once the last of them was in the room Seungcheol kneeled down next to Joshua and asked him if he wanted to be there or leave. “Jeonghan told me you might not want to be here. Do you want to leave before we start?”   
  
Soonyoung’s tiny voice spoke up, “... does that mean you’re going to yell at us?”   
  
“I’m not.” Seungcheol called over his shoulder, “But he is.” he said, jutting his chin towards Jeonghan who had been leaning against the wall with crossed arms and an even more crossed expression.    
  
Joshua shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I... I don’t want Jeonghan to go too far.”   
  
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go far enough,” Jeonghan sniped. “Do any of you have any idea what Joshua’s been through?” He started. Not a soul breathed. “The fact is, none of you even realized something was wrong!    
  
“Joshua has been suffering for over a year now. And not a single one of you noticed. If anything, most of you contributed to him being left out!” Several members flinched, while the rest looked briefly to the guilty parties, “Joshua was too good to tell you when you hurt him and instead he internalized all of it to the point that he’s been hurting himself instead. Since when have we been a group that misses something that big happening to one of our own members?   
  
“Since when have we been ones to put each other in danger over a prank?” He accused, eyes boring directly at the top of Soonyoung’s head as he refused to look up. “Was it some kind of revenge? Because of how you were treated? I’ll tell you right now that the money switch wasn’t even Joshua’s doing! He didn’t have any part in that besides letting us do what we wanted, so why did you try to throw him in the river?”   
  
Soonyoung tried to defend himself. “I... I wasn’t trying to—“   
  
“No, you didn’t try, because you succeeded!” Jeonghan bit off. Joshua watched as tears fell from Soonyoung’s eyes and he wanted Jeonghan to stop, but Seungcheol beat him to it by putting a hand on Jeonghan’s chest. He stepped away from his hand roughly but continued with a little more care, “Because of that prank Joshua can’t use his hands at all. What if he can’t play guitar anymore? Because of all the pain we’ve put on him he refused to let me help him at first. I couldn’t even get him to eat.” Everyone flinched, cueing Joshua in to the fact that they must have known already the true weight of those words. “If things had been left as is, there’s a good chance Joshua would have collapsed on us and ended up in the hospital anyways, even without this accident!”    
  
At that Seungcheol rounded on Jeonghan and really made him stop, forcing him to sit on the arm of the Joshua’s chair. Although Jeonghan was shaking with rage he placed a comforting hand on Joshua’s shoulder.    
  
“Jeonghan is right,” Seungcheol addressed the room, “this is a huge oversight by all of us. So it’s our responsibility to fix this. In case I need to remind you, Joshua will need help with getting ready in the morning, and getting dressed. He’ll also need help eating, in more ways than one.” The heaviness that fell on the room told Joshua more than enough about what was in the chat that he missed. He should have known Jeonghan wasn’t going to keep his eating problems out of the conversation, but it still felt like an insult to tell them without asking him first.    
  
And yet, it was a good betrayal, he could feel it in his heart. He wasn’t happy, for sure, but he was in a better place to accept that he needed the help. Feeling Jeonghan’s warmth next to him was enough to give him the strength to speak up. “I don’t want to be like this,” he started, “and I never wanted things to get this bad, but sometimes... when I really wasn’t feeling good, I just couldn’t hold down food. I didn’t want to try. And then I just started to think it was better that way, and... I don’t know how much help I’ll need to fix it, but... I want to get better. I want help.    
  
“Even though I think my best skill is singing, I’m still not better than anyone in the vocal team—“ and at that a chorus of refusals sounded, the frozen members jumping to life and sending him dozens of reassurances. It was surprised him, but every voice sounded sincere and filled with true worry. He was sure then that Jeonghan had already laid into them via texts since they were in Japan, but it helped that he didn’t have to repeat everything he’d told Jeonghan the night before.   
  
That evening they ordered out and sitting at home surrounded by each other and tons of food, they all talked for hours. Joshua tried his best to not cry as he cleared one misunderstanding after another with individual members. It hurt, just as much as Jeonghan said it would, but it wasn’t the end of the world he thought it would be. One by one they apologized to him for not realizing how sensitive he’d become, others doing much to try to raise the spirits of the room. The whole time, Jeonghan was carefully slipping him small pieces of food.    
  
It was more than just a start, it was as if Joshua had a whole new life. It was mortifying to ask for help with things like bathing, so that task was left to Jeonghan and no one else, but some of the other everyday things were easier to ask for. Junhui proved to be the best at helping with brushing teeth because he used to help his little brother when he was a toddler, and Mingyu was more than happy to fix Joshua’s hair for him in the morning.    
  
Even on days where eating a whole meal in one sitting was hard, the members would invite him to sit with them and one by one they’d offer him a bite or two of their own food. As they were all sitting around joking and chatting, it didn’t look like someone feeding a child, but more like what it was. Close friends sharing food off their own chopsticks.    
  
Soon enough the braces came off and Joshua could start physical therapy, slowly regaining full motion in his fingers after being unused for so long. The scars on his hands faded well due to the daily cleaning and dressing changes, and eventually Joshua felt okay with just a few smaller bandages on his hands than being completely wrapped up. The palms were pink with tender new skin and for that he kept on small wrist wraps. They were skin toned at least and easy to miss if he wore long sweaters.   
  
With his strength returning they started work on the choreography for the title track of their next EP. There were a lot of synchronized parts, to which no one member could be blamed for messing up as everyone was working to unify the parts, but Soonyoung wanted to give Joshua a good part for his line in the second verse.    
  
The part involved Jeonghan and Vernon twisting around him as he moved forward, and at the end they take his arms and spin him around. They could only practice that part a few times in a row before they had to stop, one part because Vernon kept accidentally hitting Joshua’s hand instead of catching his arm, and one part because Joshua just plain became dizzy easily.    
  
They were quickly reaching that point as they called for another run through. Joshua’s line started, and he moved fluidly around Vernon and Minghao, and then he felt his arms caught by Jeonghan’s and Vernon’s hands, and moved into the spin.   
  
Only it happened on the wrong beat. Taken off guard Joshua felt himself get pulled violently to the left as he collided with Vernon’s.    
  
Even as his body pitched itself to the floor, only one thought came to mind—


	6. Separation Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Joshua isn't the one having the hardest time for once. （≧∇≦）

“What the hell Vernon?” Shaking his head Joshua accepted Jeonghan’s offered hand and let himself be pulled up by the elbow, more focused on his stinging palms where he hit the floor than on Vernon.   
  
Who hadn’t gotten up yet.    
  
The boy was staring glassy eyed at the ceiling as if he wasn’t lying on the practice room floor when all of a sudden his whole body shuddered once. Shakily he pulled himself up, ignoring Minghao’s attempts to help him as he turned while half standing and attempted to take a step. Joshua moved to help him when a hand on his shoulder stopped him.    
  
Looking back, Jeonghan shook his head, jutting his chin past Vernon to the other group that had been watching from the edges of the practice room. Seungkwan was also on his feet, almost like he had gotten ready to rush to Vernon when he fell, but he too had that thousand yard stare in his eyes.   
  
That same shuddering force rocked Seungkwan before he was moving too, the two of them quickly meeting halfway. It wasn’t until they collided, almost falling into each other, that the rest of the room felt it.    
  
A huge pulsing force exploded from the center of the room, almost physically pushing everyone else back.    
  
No one moved or even dared to breathe as realization dawned on everyone. Joshua had neither felt nor seen a gravity event before and yet somehow he intrinsically knew that’s what had just happened. While he knew the force of the event pulled two soulmates together, he didn’t realize others literally felt a gravitational push back from being too close. That force still seemed to be in effect, preventing anyone from stepping forward and intruding on the newly matched pair’s moment.   
  
In the middle of the room Seungkwan and Vernon were holding each other tightly, pressing their chests together where their soul marks must have been only now breaking the skin. In the silence of a room full of too many witnesses they could hear the beginnings of sniffling coming from Seungkwan. Joshua’s heart plummeted as he realized what would happen. They’d all been told so many years ago what the protocol was for these sorts of things. He looked to Jeonghan, whose stone cold face told him everything. The two would be forced to reject their marks and move on as if it never happened.   
  
Vernon’s hushed voice brought everyone’s attention back as he tried to quiet Seungkwan who was full on crying at this point. Joshua imagined they knew their fate, and for them who had been so close for all these years he guessed it would be especially hard. Some of the members couldn’t stop staring, still stunned at what they were seeing, while some politely turned away. Seungcheol, however, looked forward and seemed to steel himself.    
  
By the time Joshua realized what he was going to do Seungcheol was already striding forward, breaking the strange supernatural force that was holding everyone back as the two boy’s concentration on each other turned towards their leader. He pulled at Seungkwan’s arm with visible force, only barely enough to pull him away from Vernon, who looked so painfully resigned his face was a hollow mask.    
  
But Seungkwan was always the more emotional of the two, and he expressed his discontent at being separated with a harsh sobbing whimper. Joshua suddenly heard a similar sound beside him, turning just in time to catch Jeonghan closing his mouth against the escaped noise.   
  
“We need to go. Come on.” He pulled Seungkwan along, knowing Vernon would follow, and the three started for the door.    
  
Something in Joshua stirred, painful and deep, and he wanted Seungcheol to stop. He wanted him to wait, to let the boys have some time alone, to let them at least grieve for what they only just got. But his voice was silenced by fear of the unknown, and he watched the door close behind them like the fall of a guillotine.    
  
“Let’s keep going.” Jihoon said, breaking the silence. “We’ll make do without them for now, then we can leave early.” Somewhere in the unofficial rules everyone deferred to Jihoon when Seungcheol was absent, but somehow Joshua didn’t want to obey that. His mind warred between wanting to do something and the pain that was keeping him rooted to the spot. This wasn’t right, none of this was right.   
  
Fortunately, no one could focus anymore. Even accounting for the missing members, no one could perform correctly, movements lackluster and everyone’s balance shaken by the force of the gravity event. The second Soonyoung called an end to practice Joshua practically bolted from the room, barely even picking up his bag as he left, storming down the hall until he couldn’t take it anymore and threw his backpack hard against a wall near the vending machines.    
  
Letting himself fall onto an empty bench he let his thoughts stew. “Joshua?” a hesitant voice asked. Joshua didn’t look up when Jeonghan walked past him to pick up his discarded bag.    
  
“How do you always know where I am when I’m upset?”    
  
“It’s because you’re upset that I make sure I don’t lose track of you.” He ordered something out of the vending machine before quietly moving to sit next to Joshua. “Besides, last time I lost sight of you you ended up in a river.” Joshua finally looked up with a scoff. “So call me paranoid, you aren’t getting rid of me easily.” he said as he handed Joshua a milk tea. They sat in silence for a while before Jeonghan gently prodded him. “What are you thinking?”   
  
Joshua steadied his voice before answering, “What right does anyone have taking soulmates apart like that? Even if Seungcheol is our leader, how could he just do that to them? Doesn’t he know what that feels like?” Joshua wasn’t sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but when he was met with silence he looked over at his friend.    
  
Jeonghan’s face was surprised, somehow, and pinched as if he was trying to recall a bad memory. “I don’t think… anyone has the right. Not really. I think they just… give up. They already knew what would happen so they didn’t fight. They just… Let someone else choose for them so they won’t get hurt. Or I guess, so they can’t get hurt anymore.” Joshua could only guess at the deeper meaning of his words, but that wasn’t the important part.   
  
The important part was that Joshua felt an inordinate amount of rage at that moment, fueled by Jeonghan’s words. “That… That’s bullshit,” he all but whispered. Jeonghan’s head whipped up in surprise at his words, “That’s absolute bullshit, Jeonghan, how could that,” he gestured back to the practice room, “have been anything other than absolutely soul crushing for them?? That had to have been the most painful thing I’ve ever seen them have to endure, how could agreeing to be separated possibly make them feel any less hurt??? We have to do something! If we don’t help them, no one will!”   
  
Again, Joshua didn’t know what to expect as a response to his heated words, but Jeonghan jumped up, “You’re right, you’re absolutely right. Shua, let’s go!” He grabbed Joshua’s bag and arm and pulled them to the elevators.    
  
“What, wait, where—“   
  
“The CEO! Seungcheol would take them there to get them scheduled to have their marks covered.” Just as he punched the button several of the other members spilled out into the hall from the practice room, ready to leave.    
  
“Whoa, Jeonghannie-hyung, where are you two going in such a hurry?” Seokmin asked.    
  
Jeonghan and Joshua exchanged a look for only a moment before all but shouting, “We’re going to stop Seungcheol!” The variety of faces they received as reactions would have been amusing in any other case, but they didn’t care, jumping into the elevator as the doors slid open.    
  
What they weren’t expecting was a fist in the air and Chan yelling, “Hell yeah! I wanna go with you!” and ducking under Junhui’s arm to join them. Soon words of agreement passed over the group as most of the other members entered the elevator with them. 

After spilling out into the lobbies they decided to forgo the cars that brought them to the studio and piled into taxi’s instead, knowing it’d be faster than trying to convince the managers and drivers to take them. As a matter of fact Joshua was surprised their managers weren’t storming after them, considering the noise they made in the hall, but it didn’t matter. They weren’t being stopped and they’d get there soon.    
  
They were on their way from the practice studio to the Pledis building and Joshua felt a sick feeling fill the pit in his stomach. What could he even say to stop Seungcheol? Or the CEO for that matter? Without an appointment to see the man they’d likely be waiting so they had time to intercept their leader, but once they did, then what?   
  
His thoughts were interrupted by Jeonghan’s hand squeezing his own, “You know, don’t you?” he asked softly.   
  
“Know what?” Joshua gave him a confused look, but he didn’t look back, opting instead to look out the window.   
  
“You asked if Seungcheol remembers what it feels like, getting separated.” He paused then, deep in thought, “You know he has a soulmate, don’t you?” Jeonghan’s eyes were distant, like he was remembering something from long ago.   
  
Joshua backpedaled, never having prepared any kind of response to admitting he knew, and especially not with his thoughts focused on Seungkwan and Vernon. Or having to confront Jeonghan himself about it. “I… I overheard you two talking. Once.” Jeonghan nodded in response as Seokmin hummed in agreement from Jeonghan’s other side. His lack of shock proved he knew as well. “I assumed he was talking about a developing mark, but… I never saw… I didn’t know the gravity event already happened…”    
  
He was cut off as Seokmin reached over and patted Joshua’s thigh. “Don’t worry, it was years ago. I was there too, you know. That day. We were trainees and—“   
  
“Shh.” Jeonghan shushed. “It’s enough that he knows Seungcheol has a soulmate, he doesn’t need to know who it is.” Joshua didn’t see his face, but he let himself fall silent. He left well enough alone, not wanting to add more stress to the already stressful situation.    
  
But Seokmin’s slip was enough to fit one last puzzle piece together. Years ago, when Joshua was scared and hurt, head throbbing from being shoved into a wooden bedframe, he thought he’d been looking into the eyes of a man ruthlessly raging for the sake of being angry at someone who deserved punishment. But he realized, given this new info, that Seungcheol’s mark was taken from him as a trainee, that it must have been that day.    
  
The day Joshua was traumatized was the very same day a sad and hurting Seungcheol was forced to give up his own soulmark.    
  
When they stepped out of the cars at the Pledis building Jeonghan took Joshua’s hand again and squeezed it lightly. “I know you’re mad, because you probably grew up differently than us, so use that. Tell Seungcheol he’s wrong, yell if you have to. He won’t listen to me, I’ve already tried.” A sad smile crossed his face and he let go, walking up to the building with the other members that followed them.   
  
It was Jeonghan that lead the charge as he and Mingyu silently marched first through the halls, ignoring the staff that tried to stop them. Joshua figured the managers would call ahead but when faced with several determined boys the building staff couldn’t stop them. Especially not when all 186 centimeters of Mingyu’s height was being levered against them.    
  
It was Jeonghan that suggested they check the conference rooms first, and moving out from there. Seokmin and Mingyu went to block the elevator and fire stairwell to that floor as Joshua and Junhui went down the first hall. Jeonghan, Minghao, and Chan went down the back hall, assuming the two would be kept as far away as possible. Sure enough, in the third room Joshua and Junhui checked they found Vernon sitting alone, arms wrapped around his middle, doubled over like he was close to throwing up.    
  
He jolted upright when Joshua ran around the conference table and gave him a tight hug. Breaking away, he sat in a chair opposite Vernon, knees almost touching. “Vernon? Hey, are you alright? Have they done anything?”   
  
His eyes flitted back and forth between Joshua’s, unsure what to say. “They… they took him to another room, I don’t know… they just, they took S-Seungkwan.” His breathing started to falter as a fresh wave of tears threatened to start falling. “We have to wait, until the CEO comes back, they’re going to take us to—“   
  
“They aren’t taking you anywhere.” Junhui piped up from his spot guarding the door. “The others are looking for Seungkwan right now, and we aren’t going to let them cover your marks.” Joshua nodded in agreement, hoping to assuage some of his fears.    
  
Softly, one of Vernon’s hands reached Joshua’s arm. “Hyung… what… what happens?  _ When they cover it? You know, don’t you? _ ”   
  
Joshua shook his head, “You don’t have to use English, I’ll tell you. It’s like a semi-permanent tattoo, but with a kind of filler. It raises the spaces between the lines and around the mark. Makes the lines smooth with the rest of the skin so you can’t see or feel it anymore.”   
  
“It… It isn’t here though,” he whispered, one hand coming up to where the mark had already bled through his shirt, “It’s deeper than that, I feel it… in the middle of my chest. It’s… They can’t take that feeling away, can they?”    
  
The fear in Vernon’s eyes was enough to push back the uncertainty that had been ebbing into Joshua’s heart. “No, they can’t take that feeling away from you. They never will. We won’t let them.”    
  
Junhui quietly came around the table, putting a hand on Vernon’s shoulder. “In China this kind of thing would never happen. My people celebrate marks and soulmates.” He bent over almost comically to look into Vernon’s face, “So like that, I’m happy for you and Seungkwan. You have each other, no matter what.” A small smile broke out over Vernon’s face as he started to thank him.    
  
The moment of happiness was almost worth the fact that Junhui wasn’t guarding the door anymore as everyone nearly had heart attacks when it slammed open. Joshua jumped out of his chair, fight or flight response triggered, but quickly relaxed when Seungkwan came barreling into the room, blubbering with tears and cries of Vernon’s Korean name.   
  
Swiftly abandoning his chair, Vernon rushed past everyone as the two soulmates slammed into each other with no hesitation. The relief was enough to finally let the tears fall as he pressed his face into Seungkwan’s shoulder. Following behind Seungkwan was Jeonghan’s group, carefully shutting the door and making signs to quiet his cries. Junhui and Minghao gently directed them to chairs as Vernon tried to calm his soulmate.

Joshua made sure they were both unharmed before he went up to Jeonghan. “What do we do now?” he asked, “We can’t just kidnap them or anything like that, so what—“

“We face them.” Jeonghan said firmly. “No one leaves this room until we convince the CEO to let Vernon and Seungkwan make their own choice.” Everyone nodded resolutely. “How’s Vernon?” Jeonghan asked Joshua in a quiet voice.   
  
“Scared, but I don’t think he’s too bad. Not… bawling like Seungkwan.”    
  
“My poor Seungkwannie…” Jeonghan cooed. “He was half hysterical when we found him, not even trying to stop the blood from his mark. I don’t know how they think any of this is right.” The rest of the room quieted as Jeonghan spoke. “I for one don’t condone Seungcheol’s actions. And honestly I never have. What we did with soulmates wasn’t an issue before because it was him last time—“ At that Jeonghan slapped a hand over his own mouth, watching as half a dozen pairs of eyes grew large at his slip.    
  
“Hyung! Are you saying Seungcheol-hyung has a soulmate???” Chan looked scandalized by the info.   
  
“What?! Really??? Who is it? Hyung, who is it, do you know?” Minghao’s and Junhui’s voices overlapped as everyone else let out exclamations. It was at this moment the door swung open again, but this time it was Seokmin and Mingyu coming in.    
  
Chan immediately zeroed in on Seokmin, readily volunteering the new information, “Seokmin-hyung, did you know Seungcheol-hyung had a soulmate???”    
  
Before Jeonghan could hit Chan’s neck for being such a gossip Seokmin nodded slightly, “Yes, I knew.” But with one well placed glare from Jeonghan he kept his lips tight on anything else.   
  
Mingyu, however, seemed to have a delayed reaction to the news, starting to say something else before abandoning the thought to stare wide-eyed at Chan. “Really??? When did that happen???”   
  
“Can we stop???”Jeonghan yelled over the din. “We have more important problems right now! Like—“   
  
“Like Jihoon calling me to give away your plans?”   
  
A chill filled the room as Seungcheol’s even voice immediately silenced everyone from the open doorway. Mingyu swallowed thickly before squeaking, “We were going to say Seungcheol was coming,” but the words lost weight as the sentence petered out, everyone’s energy sapped by Seungcheol’s cold eyes.

Stepping fully into the room he quickly found the soulmate pair. Vernon and Seungkwan pulled as close as their chairs would allow, fear stopping them from doing anything else. “We aren’t doing this because we want to hurt you, Vernon. Seungkwan. We’re doing this because of safety.” He was using his best diplomatic voice.   


And it burned Joshua to hear it.   


Seungcheol continued, taking a step closer and reaching for Vernon’s arm this time “It’s because of the fans that we—“   
  
“AND WHAT ABOUT THE FANS??” Joshua suddenly roared, voice drowning out Seungcheol enough to actually cause him to take a step back. Back ramrod straight Joshua immediately forced himself between Vernon and Seungcheol and acted as a physical barrier between the couple and their leader. He may not have the words, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. 

“What if they saw us like this?” Joshua hissed in his face, “Do you think they don’t know about these rules??  I know they do! They talk about them all the time on the English boards too, I see them. And I see how disgusted they are by them. The same way I am!” The volume of his usually quiet voice forced Seungcheol back another step. “How do you think those fan would feel if they knew that these rules really were making us suffer?? How would they feel if they saw Vernon and Seungkwan sitting here, literally crying, sobbing, about being FORCED to get their marks covered!? 

“I know this is Korea, and you have your own rules, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re wrong. This, all of this,” he spread his arms wide, “is completely wrong! How can you look at them and believe for one second any of their pain will be worth it?” A thought struck Joshua like lighting, strong and fierce, and oh so obvious now that he could see it.

Letting his arms fall heavily back to his sides, he asked, “Have you been lying to yourself this whole time?” If the room was chilled before it was now like pure ice. No one dared move as the fire in Joshua’s eyes leveled Seungcheol with a steady glare. “You know better than anyone what that feels like, to be pulled apart and forced to reject your mark, pretend the person next to you isn’t your soulmate,” Joshua aimed his finger accusingly at Seungcheol’s chest, “so how can you force it on them? Have you lost your soul with your soul mark?”    
  
All eyes in the room were on Seungcheol who finally lowered his gaze and didn’t seem to breathe. Finally, after a tense few seconds, he looked up, the ice melted from his eyes. “No, I haven’t.”    
  
Joshua stepped closer to him, placing his still-bandaged hands on Seungcheol’s arms, “You were hurt too, weren’t you? And you put that pain on me, the day Samuel was taken.” Shock filled his face as he shrugged off Joshua’s hands. Seungcheol’s silence proved Joshua right as he persisted, “Please, don’t put that pain on them. If anyone can help change the rules, it’s you. We can’t face the CEO without you.”   
  
“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan spoke up, “Since when have you ever let Seventeen be anything but unique from all other idol groups? Let’s be the first group to break the soulmate rule.”   
  
Seungcheol didn’t look up, but instead let his gaze fall on Seungkwan and Vernon who were trying to hold themselves together, but failing miserably. An eternity passed as his eyes grew softer and his shoulders dropped. Only to suddenly square up as a decision reached his eyes. “Jeonghan, take them back to the dorm.” He walked past the group and made for the door. “I’ll talk to the managers and call off the meeting with the CEO. 

“And Joshua.” He stopped before walking out. “I’ve never seen you like that before, so use that strength. Don’t let anyone take them out of the dorm once they’re there, understand?”

The tension that had made its home in Joshua’s heart for years finally loosened at Seungcheol’s words. “No one will touch them.” Joshua agreed. They weren’t even, not yet, but it was a step in the right direction.

The boys marched straight out of the building , flanking Vernon and Seungkwan on all sides as Seungcheol turned his freezing cold words towards his phone, refusing to shout though they all heard the CEO’s voice coming loud and clear over the call. All three members of the 97 line went in a cab together first to ensure the dorm was safe as Jeonghan piled into a cab with Vernon and Seungkwan. Joshua was about to get in with Junhui and Chan when Seungcheol stopped him, pulling him back a bit as he curtly cut off the call.

“Joshua, I can’t go with you all, so will you promise me something?” His voice was surprisingly soft, likely to prevent the others from hearing him.

“What is it?” Joshua answered a little warily. He had just screamed in Seungcheol’s face not five minutes prior, so he had reason to fear some kind of retribution.

“Promise me that we can talk, after all of this is over. I know I’m years too late, but… I don’t want there to be silence between us anymore.” Joshua reeled back a little, completely not what he was expecting. He’d yelled at Seungcheol, and his response was to offer an apologize?

“Of course.” Joshua breathed as Chan tapped his arm, “As soon as we can.” He rushed, sliding into the cab and letting Seungcheol close the door for him. Joshua watched him as they pulled away from the curb, the very image of a pillar of strength until their cab rounded the corner and disappeared from sight. But just before they did, Joshua swore he saw the mask falter as Seungcheol brought his hand up to his face, shielding whatever hid beneath.

The cab ride to the dorm was awfully quiet, Chan having learned his lesson and kept his mouth shut. He weakly offered an apology that no one acknowledged save for Junhui patting his knee assuringly. They were almost home when Junhui fidgeted and nudged Joshua. “Hyung, I… are we really going to break the rules? Like, can we talk about soul marks out loud now?”

It was obvious he had something he desperately wanted to say, but given the day’s events was too afraid to say it outright. But of course, true to Junhui fashion, he was too keyed up to not say it. “Let’s wait,” Joshua started carefully, trying to guess at what he wanted to say, “at least until Vernon and Seungkwan are settled.”

“Okay.” Junhui answered too quickly, his knee bouncing with anxiety regardless.

As soon as they pulled up in front of the dorm it was obvious one of the managers was already there, as Mingyu and Minghao were currently trying to fence Dongro into a corner in the lobby. Joshua let Junhui and Chan go ahead up into the building while he stopped. Pulling up what was left of his simmering rage from earlier he gave his most commanding tone as a hyung. “Mingyu-ah, Eissa, let’s go.”

Without breaking eye contact with Dongro they started to walk back, finally turning once they passed Joshua’s back. He gave their stunned manager a curt bow. “I’m sorry for their behavior,” he apologized for his dongsaengs, but as he straightened up he insured the look he left Dongro with was definitely not one of apology in the least.

When he finally reached the dorm he found all the locks dead bolted and had to confirm he was alone before Seokmin opened the door for the three of them. He wasn’t sure what he expected when he walked in, but seeing several members haphazardly draped across the floor and furniture was at the very least somewhat amusing.

“Joshuji!” Someone yelled from the hall. Before Joshua could relax Jeonghan came running at him and gripping him in a tight hug. “Where’s Cheolie?” He looked around, waiting for a response.

“He stayed behind, but he didn’t say what for. How are Vernon and Seungkwan?” He lightly pulled out of his arms as Jeonghan gave him an almost sad look.

“We were going to put two beds together so they could rest but they didn’t need two, instead they’ve been tied to each other so tight they fit on Seungkwan’s small bed.” He sighed and pulled away. “Also, Jihoon isn’t exactly onboard, but he said we should “do whatever we want’ since everyone else agrees. Said as long as he wasn’t in any room with soulmates he didn’t care.”

Joshua wanted to laugh at his logic, considering he was sharing a room with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, but then again they didn’t act like a typical soulmate couple. He wondered distantly if that would change now.

He checked in on the two soulmates and true to Jeonghan’s words they were tangled together on Seungkwan’s bed, still wearing their practice clothes. “ _ Hey _ ,  _ both of you need to shower _ .” He called quietly in English. The two of them looked at each other surprised, Seungkwan because he didn’t understand what Joshua said, and Vernon because there were implications there that made his face burned red. Joshua left to let Vernon deal with explaining things to Seungkwan.

Showering together in the past hadn’t been a problem because of limited time, but with more bathrooms now it had become something of a rarity. Still, Joshua made it a point not to check and see if they had gone to bathe together, choosing instead to take his own shower in the second bathroom down the hall.

While he was stripping the bandages off his fingers, something he could do unassisted now, he heard Seungcheol come home and announce that all schedules were canceled for the next day as they were all to meet with the CEO in the morning. Joshua leaned on the door frame as he talked, listening intently as he mindlessly picked off one bandage after another.

Once the conversation turned towards ordering out for dinner Joshua called over the closest member to the hall, Seokmin, to give his order before getting in the shower. But Seokmin didn’t seem to be paying attention, eyes focused on something else. Joshua had taken most of his clothes off before removing the bandages, so Seokmin was just staring at Joshua’s bare chest. “What?”

Seokmin shook his head. “Nothing! Just… it looks like.. you have a thing.” He gestured vaguely to Joshua’s chest before he turned away quickly with ears turning pink. He quickly disappeared down the hall to go find Chan who was placing orders.

Confused, Joshua closed the bathroom door and paused before the mirror. He saw nothing different save for a slightly pink spot that looked more like a bug bite than a scratch. He ran one of his better fingers across it, pausing when his finger caught on something he couldn’t yet see…

Under his left collar bone.


	7. A Full Suite But Only One Pair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which this fic nearly turned into a harem anime. 
> 
> Enjoy! （≧∇≦）

After discovering his growing soul mark Joshua felt like he was moving through water. They all arrived to a meeting with the CEO the following morning and while Seungcheol spoke mostly for the group, Joshua found himself standing as well. He recalled a time long ago when he was forced to speak in front of the CEO concerning the issue with Samuel and feeling dead terrified by the very idea of even standing. This time, his anger at their treatment of Vernon and Seungkwan drove him to make his stand and speak up. While he remained diplomatic, he couldn’t help but feel irritated by the fact that three of the four foreigners, who were raised differently and had different expectations in life, were being ignored. Junhui was quick to join in that he and Minghao were feeling discriminated against by being told they wouldn’t be able to celebrate those important milestones in their lives the way they felt they should be allowed to.   
  
It wasn’t until Seungcheol made the threat Joshua had the previous day, that the fans already knew they were suffering and found all of this disgusting, that the CEO finally seemed to break. By constantly enforcing the rules that they could not speak, the foreign fans were perceiving the company poorly and these thoughts could affect future international releases. Of course, it took threatening the bottom line to finally get the CEO relent. With a heavy sigh, he agreed to change the rules.   
  
No one would be required to hide their soul marks anymore, and starting after Chan’s coming of age at the start of the new year, the boys would be allowed to go public with their soulmates, within reason.    
  
Although it didn’t feel quite like the victory Joshua had hoped, a weight seemed to lift off of him and the pressure from finding his mark the night before slowly started to grow into another feeling. By the time they were getting ready to go eat dinner together as a group the feeling had turned to one of almost giddiness. Within the next several months Joshua would finally gain a soulmate.    
  
The thought had always been an abstract one, as he’d always been so focused on the physical mark itself that would appear on his chest. However, reality was slowly starting to awaken him to the fact that an actual person was going to be tied to him. Forever. They would be his and he theirs, and nothing in the world would be able to change that. As he looked around the table of friends he knew that it must be one of them, one of the boys he already loved.   
  
But of course, all the deep thought in the world was nothing compared to the moment they left the restaurant, and Junhui finally pulled Joshua aside. “Hyung, I need to get something from the convenience store before we go back, come with me.” Before Joshua could refuse he remembered the moment in the cab and quietly went with him.    
  
“Ah, I felt so shaky talking to the CEO!” Junhui whined, “I was so scared he was just going to punish us, but instead we get to do what we want!”    
  
“Ya, Jun-ah, you’re being too loud.” Joshua laughed beside him.   
  
“I know,” he admitted, volume dropping a few notches, “But I’m excited.” Junhui stopped on the sidewalk, causing Joshua to slow down. Junhui brought his hand up to his chest and nearly whispered, “My… my mark. It’s coming, here.”   
  
At that Joshua stopped dead in his tracks. Junhui paused for only a moment before suddenly throwing himself at Joshua who gave little reaction to the hug. Junhui seemed to not notice, giggling like a child and then spinning himself around. “Shua-hyung! I’m going to get my soulmate soon! I’m so excited!!!”   
  
“Yeah…” Joshua deadpanned, “Exciting.” It was not exciting. Despite Joshua’s assertion that he loved all of the members, he most definitely did NOT want to be tied to Junhui for the rest of his life. The excitable guy would drag Joshua everywhere at light speed and he doubted he could keep up. But if they were both developing marks too… It had to be. “Do you… do you have an idea who it could be? Your soulmate?” Now he was just being mean, he was about to make Junhui tell him his hopes only to crush the poor boy’s dreams by telling him it was Joshua instead.   
  
However, Junhui’s effervescent personality could not be swayed, “Nope! No idea, but as long as it’s someone from Seventeen, I’ll be happy with it.” Oh. Joy.    
  
Joshua quickly ushered him down the street to the convenience store as he tried to find someway to broach the subject without giving away that he just. Wasn’t feeling it. But, Joshua decided on his own, perhaps it was better to let those thoughts stew before saying anything. Maybe over time he’d begin to appreciate Junhui better and by the time their gravity event occurred he wouldn’t be against it.   
  
Joshua decided to stay his hand and kept quiet about his mark, letting time pass as the members left for Los Angeles to record the music video for Don’t Wanna Cry. During this time Joshua was allowed to record a bit for a special on just him called “My Friend’s Hometown”. When he was to decide who to take with him, Jeonghan’s name fell out of his mouth before his brain caught up. Backpedalling, he quickly added Seungcheol, for some reason remembering that they never did have that conversation he wanted back when he sent Joshua off to defy company wishes. And of course, once Jeonghan caught wind of the 95 line needing an extra member, he was quick to volunteer Chan as tribute. The planning was actually left up to the staff, so Joshua quickly doffed any and all responsibility and went to bed.    
  
The next day was a whirlwind of amusement park rides and horribly fattening food. Jeonghan very carefully asked Joshua to share something with him, something they had gotten used to during the time Joshua still needed to be fed. And sometimes, Joshua still felt like he needed to as he looked down at his food with disinterest until Jeonghan pointed a forkful at him. Later they shared a cotton candy as the light sweetness was easier to stomach.  He didn’t question Jeonghan’s clinginess as he expected as much, knowing the filming was about Joshua specifically.    
  
Still, when Jeonghan grabbed his hand on a ride or pressed close to him in the crowded lines Joshua couldn’t stop his heart from jumping. Jeonghan had said he wanted Joshua, and if that was true then maybe he had told Seungcheol what he wanted that as well. Maybe, he wondered to himself as Seungcheol focused on embarrassing Chan with a cheesy photo board, Seungcheol would be okay with Jeonghan accepting someone else. Would be okay with Joshua picking Jeonghan.   
  
Their day at the amusement park ended with a trip to the Santa Monica pier, somewhere Joshua had always dreamed he’d take his soulmate on a date. With his mind still not accepting the idea of Junhui, being there with Jeonghan seemed like the closest thing to it, even with their leader and maknae in tow. Eventually they went to eat, Seungcheol volunteering to help carry back food as Jeonghan and Chan went ahead to find a place to sit. When Seungcheol turned off his mic and asked for the camera crew not to film them for a few minutes Joshua knew the conversation was coming, but he didn’t want it to be then.    
  
Anxiety burned in his throat as they waited near the food stand, saying nothing as Seungcheol gathered his thoughts. “Joshua, I’m sorry. For the way I treated you when you were a trainee. It wasn’t your fault and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. For what it’s worth, I felt even worse after I did it than I did before.”   
  
“For what it’s worth,” Joshua couldn’t stop himself from being petty, “You never actually apologized, even after I got sick from grief and passed out.”   
  
Seungcheol flinched, an appropriate response, before adding, “I know, I’m sorry for that too. And I’m sorry for not telling you this before, but Jeonghan really attacked me after that. He was pissed that you’d been treated that way and demanded I leave you alone until you got better. So I did, I left both of you alone, and just… time got away from me. You became so afraid of talking to me alone that I just never addressed it again.”   
  
It was Joshua’s turn to flinch, remembering all the times he couldn’t stand up to Seungcheol out of fear. “I’m… I’m not going to apologize for being afraid of you when I had every right to be. But, I guess, I’m sorry for not knowing what was going on with you either. You and… your soulmate.”   
  
Seungcheol looked sideways at Joshua. “Do you know who it is?”   
  
Joshua nodded slightly, “I… I overheard you talking to Jeonghan once, so I guessed…”   
  
“Then it’d better if you keep guessing. I should tell you my soulmate doesn’t want to be known as such. And it isn’t your fault you didn’t know, the old rules kept us from telling anyone anyways.” This time Seungcheol sighed heavily before falling silent for a while. When he finally spoke up his voice was small and soft. “He rejected me, you know. That day. It happened early in the morning, right when we all went out together. And when our gravity event happened he let me go, pushed me away, and left to go to the Pledis office by himself to tell the CEO.”    
  
At this Seungcheol paused, collecting himself with a shaky breath before continuing. “We went home, the rest of us, and I think I saw you before you left but I was so grieved by it that I don’t think I even said anything to anyone. I got picked up shortly after that and wasn’t even taken to the office, I was sent… to get my mark hidden first. By the time I did get to the office Samuel’s mother was there screaming her head off. I just sort of latched onto that, tried to pretend that morning never happened, and went to advocate for Samuel.    
  
“But when your name came out of his mouth I became fixated, I wanted someone to be at fault for all of this. You were the easiest target.” He looked ashamed again as he tried look Joshua in the eye but failed. “After I heard you crying in the bathroom I wanted to do something, so I brought you a jacket, but you were so upset you didn’t even notice I was there. I kinda knew anything I said would just make things worse, so I went and got Jeonghan instead. Once he was between me and you was when I figured I wouldn’t be able to do anything. And I’m sorry that I never even tried.” The finality in Seungcheol’s tone told Joshua he was done, but there was one thing he couldn’t leave alone.   
  
“Jeonghan… did he tell you? About me?”   
  
“What do you mean?” Seungcheol asked carefully.   
  
Joshua swallowed thickly, “When we were in Japan, after my accident… Jeonghan said… that he wanted me to be the first in his life. I wondered if he meant, ‘more than he wanted his soulmate’ but I never got an answer to that.”   
  
“And you want to know if he told me the answer?” Seungcheol scoffed, looking up as their food was ready. “I think that’s a conversation you need to have with him someday, but for the record,” he leaned closer to Joshua’s ear as he walked past, “He hasn’t shut up about you since the day he met you.”    
  
Seungcheol’s words haunted Joshua for the rest of the day, tripping up his words and making his heart soar. The day ended well after everyone ate and walked along the beach, Joshua unafraid to gently hold Jeonghan’s hand for a short while. During that time a small childhood dream became as close to reality as he could get it, and he let it seep into his heart like a thing of comfort he could look back on when he next had troubles.    
  
The next day was their last one with free time and Joshua was finally allowed to leave the group to see his mother. It had been a long time since he’d seen her, but he finally got the chance to hold her close one last time before he had to return to Seoul.   
  
Sitting in the kitchen of his childhood home was nothing if not jarring, considering how long it had been since he was last there. But smelling his mother’s cooking while watching her work did wonders for the looseness of his often tight lips. “ _ Mom, I have to tell you something. I… I’ll have my soulmate by the time I see you next, I think. _ ”   
  
She immediately dropped what she was doing and quickly started fussing with his shirt, letting out a little shriek of motherly joy when she saw the start of his soul mark. “ _ Ah, but you still have some time yet before it’s fully bloomed. _ ” She looked him in the eyes for only a moment before a sad smile crossed her face. “ _ And you don’t seem very happy about that, even though you used to be so happy at the idea as a child. _ ”    
  
Joshua pulled out a chair for his mother as she sat next to him. He remembered a similar conversation from long ago, but felt like this one was somehow much different. “ _ I think I know who it is now, and I don’t… I don’t want to be… romantic with them _ . And even if I’m wrong, I’m afraid.”   
  
“Afraid of what?” she asked, giving him a soft pat on the back, “Afraid that they won’t be absolutely happy with whatever relationship you want with them? They’re your soulmate, anything that happens between you will work out, it’s the one guarantee you have.”   
  
“And…” Joshua started, “What if the person I really want… already has a soulmate, who isn’t me? What then?”    
  
“ _ Fate knows your heart, Joshua, _ ”she patted his cheek, “ _ it won’t betray you _ .”   
  
The words stuck with Joshua during the rest of their promotions for AL1 and followed him through the early summer. His feelings for Junhui never seemed to change, despite the ever present idea that they had to be a match. However, Junhui never seemed to be concerned, putting all his faith on fate to control the outcome. “It’s not up to me, so I won’t worry about it.” He’d said with a smile the next time Joshua asked. Joshua liked that mentality, and decided to adopt it as well as time quickly bled into their Diamond Edge World Tour.   
  
The tour would take them through several countries over nearly four months and the amount of traveling that would require made Joshua’s head spin. It was then that Minghao was really dipping into fashion like a beast, dragging Mingyu and Joshua to every fashionable boutique he could find in every country they landed in. Mingyu because he was also getting into fashion, and Joshua because nine times out of ten someone at the store could converse in English, and Vernon was a no-go to help as he was what they called a fashion terrorist.    
  
It was during one of these shopping trips in Dallas, Texas that Minghao asked Joshua to help him put on a very overly complicated top while Mingyu ran off to find another size. Joshua politely turned away as Minghao changed pants, opting for conversation to fill the silence. “Don’t you think Mingyu would be better at this? He’ll probably forget how to say ‘ _ smaller size _ ’ before he finds a staff member and I’m only just learning about fashion stuff.”   
  
“No, there was something else,” Minghao said nonchalantly, tapping Joshua’s shoulder to indicate he could look now, “And Mingyu is Korean so I didn’t want to freak him out.”    
  
“Freak out about wha—“ As Joshua turned back around, he froze. Not two feet away in the well-lit fitting room Minghao tossed his shirt away. He quietly grabbed Joshua’s hand and easily pressed it against his now bare chest.

And under Joshua’s fingertips he felt the slightly raised edges of a blooming mark under Minghao’s collar bone. “I didn’t want to tell Mingyu because I don’t know how he’d react and I didn’t want drama today. But you’re American, so you’re okay with it, right?… Shua-hyung?” 

Joshua felt like he’d been hit in the throat, suddenly unable to speak as Minghao dropped his hand. Minghao, his precious dongsaeng that he’d looked after and protected when he first came to Korea, had a mark nearly as developed as Joshua’s. His brain ditched the idea of Junhui with a mental yeet and attached to this potential much quicker. “It’s… Me too.” Joshua ended up blurting out. “I’m getting a mark too.” He breathed, chest feeling both lighter and more tightly wound.    
  
Minghao seemed to have the same reaction, surprise mixed with a touch of anxiety. After a moment of silence they heard the hallway door open and close, Mingyu’s heavy steps heading for their dressing room door. Quickly trading sizes over the door Joshua turned back and started helping Minghao change into the complex shirt. And for the rest of the day, he agreed with everything Minghao liked, finding himself more comfortable with the idea of Minghao being his soulmate. And perhaps Minghao was okay with the idea as well, remaining at ease the entire day.    
  
Everything was hectic and moving at a hundred miles an hour as they left that country for another one and for a while Joshua found he’d actually go days without worrying about his mark. Minghao seemed to also adopt a attitude of not worrying about something that was fate’s job, something common apparently to Chinese men, but Joshua didn’t miss how much clingier he’d become between shows.   
  
One night after taking a small walk with Minghao and holding his hand for a bit Joshua found himself in his hotel room, looking down at his hands and finding nothing more than faded scars. He’d long since stopped protecting his hands with any kind of bandage or wrap, and with physical therapy he could even play his guitar again. But it was strange, holding Minghao’s hand had felt nothing like it did when he was with Jeonghan months ago in LA, even after time had faded the memory a bit. His fingers could still feel Jeonghan’s warmth, his heart jumping warmly at the thought of that day.   
  
Remembering his mark, Joshua decided to finally lay in his hotel bed and carefully traced his burgeoning mark. The outside edges were not quite there so he couldn’t tell how large the mark was going to be, but he could feel the core branches moving out from the middle, the finer lines tapering off as they were still slowly growing. He tried to count the lines but it was like trying to count every branch in a lightning strike before it disappears. The still soft ligaments bent and moved under his fingertips, preventing him from keeping track of which ones he’d already touched.   
  
He was doing this for so long he didn’t hear his roommate Seokmin quietly walk in until he was startled by his gasp. Up until recently Seokmin and Jeonghan had been pretty much inseparable with the roommate situation. The only reason he was in Joshua’s room that night was because Seungcheol wanted to room with Jeonghan, something that still pulled at Joshua’s heart a bit.   
  
Although he quickly pulled his hand out from under his shirt he was sure Seokmin knew what he was doing. It almost felt like he’d been caught doing worse, even though the group as a whole had slowly started making the subject less and less of a taboo in their minds. Especially since Vernon and Seungkwan had been nauseatingly sweet with each other, constantly cuddled together and tracing each other’s matching marks in full view of the other members.   
  
However, it was Seokmin’s wide eyes that caught his attention, his stare boring a hole in Joshua’s chest, “Hyung… you’re getting a mark too…” It wasn’t a question, and suddenly Joshua’s brain stuck on one word.    
  
“… ‘Too’? Dokyeom-ah, what do you mean ‘too’?” Seokmin’s shy glance away was enough to name him guilty. Without a word he touched the edge of his shirt collar and Joshua knew.    
  
“How long?” Joshua quietly asked.    
  
“For… a while now. But! I found out when someone else found theirs too, and they think we’re going to be soulmates! They’re sure of it, so they asked me not to say anything! I’m sorry!”   
  
And then another thought quickly barreled into Joshua’s mind. “But wait… No, that means there’s still one more!” Joshua jumped up, mind racing.   
  
Confused, Seokmin quietly met Joshua in the middle of the room, trying to calm him down, “One more?” He asked, and Joshua only nodded before realizing that wasn’t an answer.    
  
“There’s someone else with a mark, besides you and me. I know of some others in the group are getting theirs too! So if it’s you and your match, and me and the other two, that only makes five. There has to be a sixth person!” Seokmin’s eyes brightened as realization dawned on him.   
  
“Hyung! There’s five of us with growing marks??” Seokmin giggled conspiratorially. 

“Six!” Joshua excitedly proclaimed. He dropped back onto his bed, mind swirling. How did this even happen? What were the chances that the group would have three matching pairs this quickly together? At that Joshua slowed down, because there had to be something there that he wasn’t seeing. Perhaps it was because they had all agreed to become more open about talking about marks and soulmates? Or maybe just knowing the tension of not having to reject the idea was causing them to all to bloom. Maybe some of them should have gotten their soulmates even earlier than this.   
  
“So what do we do, Joshua-hyung?” Seokmin’s voice pulled him out of his head, demanding an answer.   
  
“We… we have to do nothing. We shouldn’t force any of it, we need to let things happen on their own time.” He looked up at Seokmin who looked like stars had filled his eyes, “Fate knows our hearts, it won’t betray us.”   
  
Seokmin gasped, and then laughed while swatting Joshua’s arm, “Yah! That sounded so cool! Shua-hyung is so mature, I almost wish you were my soulmate.”    
  
Joshua’s ears pinked at that, before he decided to carry on that line of logic, “What makes you think I couldn’t be? If we all have marks then it’s going to be hit or miss who is with who until the first pair happens.”   
  
At that Seokmin shook his head, “No, I’m sure it’s going to be me and him, but… he asked me if we could… not be a “romantic” couple. He said he likes how we are right now, and that’s all he wants.”   
  
“Well, it’s like my mom told me once. ‘Not all soulmates become lovers, and not all lovers are soulmates’.”   
  
Seokmin let out a high pitched laugh before smacking Joshua’s arm with more force. “Yah! How are you so cool today??”   
  
That night Joshua reflected on his mother’s words more than ever. There was another member with a mark and the potential for two more within the group. He tried to think of anyone outside the group that would be a good fit for the boys too, but he couldn’t say for sure. Besides the managers, their staff turned over fairly frequently. How could this many boys start developing marks without them being intended for each other?   
  
His confusion carried him over into the end of the Diamond Edge tour as they started working towards the Teen, Age album’s drop. He watched everyone carefully, trying to discern who was going to get matched first but it was such a close toss up there wasn’t any way of knowing. He tried to push it to the back of his mind and simply focus on the album promotions, but his mind kept wandering back to Minghao.   
  
Not simply because he was Joshua’s first choice out of the known developing marks, but because he’d been slowing down in practice, spending more time with his hands on his hips than was entirely necessary. They were practicing more and more to get the stages as uniformed as possible, playing with Wonwoo’s “pick of the day” options and generally goofing off, but Minghao’s face was almost stony.    
  
It all accumulated a while after promotions started when Minghao finally admitted to Joshua he was feeling pain in his back. Joshua immediately went to Seungcheol and quickly Minghao was made to rest, pulled from the stage promotions.   
  
However, stages were the only thing he was pulled from, as he still attended variety shows with the group despite the pain that didn’t ebb away. Pointing out that he wasn’t healing only made him more aggravated, though he was a master at not showing it in front of the cameras. The day finally came that everyone was sure Minghao couldn’t even pick himself up off the floor and Joshua and Seungcheol moved to pick him up themselves when it happened. Minghao rocked against the floor in a full body shudder, and Joshua knew what was about to happen.   
  
And immediately Joshua knew it wasn’t him. The disappointment only lasted for a moment before his eyes scanned the room for anyone else, quickly taking account of the ones he knew had marks. He didn’t have to look long before an excitable blur quickly started running towards them. Seungcheol had only just brought Minghao to his feet before they were both nearly knocked down by the person who had sprinted over.    
  
And then Joshua and Seungcheol were violently pushed back by the force of a gravity event as Minghao melted into Junhui’s arms.     
  
As Joshua stumbled back he listened as the room was bathed in silence. No one moved as he was sure everyone remembered the last time this happened, but soon Vernon’s and Seungkwan’s stifled giggles broke the silence when Seungkwan whispered something to Vernon and the boy couldn’t stop himself from clapping. Soon the whole room was cheering for them, something Joshua remembered Minghao telling them was common in China for new soulmate pairs. In the end Joshua put aside his own feelings as he clapped for them as well.    
  
The change it brought in Minghao was immediate, as he finally assented to taking the rest he needed and stopped dancing after their next assigned recording, which was the choreography dance to  _ Heaven _ . Minghao was to spend more time at home resting, and with that came the most overbearingly sweet Junhui anyone had ever seen. When they were in the dorm Junhui waited on Minghao hand and foot, even going so far as to carry him from his room to the bathroom when the pain was at its worst.    
  
Then one day something happened that turned Joshua’s perceptions on the last few years on its head. Joshua wasn’t there when it happened, he’d just come back from eating with Seungcheol and Jeonghan and they arrived to a dorm full of yelling. They wondered aloud if another gravity event had occurred while they were gone, but there was no happiness in this yelling. Jihoon was standing in the middle of the living room, pointing a finger up in Junhui’s face, an almost comical feat considering the height difference, but no one was laughing.   
  
Joshua only caught the tail end of Jihoon demanding, “… never do that in front of me again!” before he turned to stalk off, only to be stopped by Seungcheol with a firm hand on his arm.    
  
“What the hell was that?” Jeonghan asked Junhui, who looked properly stunned.    
  
From the couch Minghao answered quite calmly, “I was sitting with Jihoon-hyung and Junnie came to say goodnight. He gave me a kiss and suddenly Hyung was yelling at us.”    
  
“He said that we weren’t in China and it wasn’t fair that we got to act like that in front of everyone.” Junhui looked slightly more shook than Minghao but he never held much a fear of Jihoon’s temper like some members did, perhaps because they were the same age.    
  
Jihoon for his part looked at least slightly ashamed at his behavior as he tried to get out Seungcheol’s grasp to leave the room. “It isn’t that. It’s just, why do all of them have to be like that? All lovey-dovey. It’s too much, I don’t like it.”    
  
Joshua was about to refute him but the words died as he saw Seungcheol pull him just a touch closer to whisper something in his ear. Whatever he said had an immediate effect as Jihoon ripped his arm away, “No! That isn’t fair either!”   
  
“Jihoonie,” Seungcheol said, a pleading tone coloring his words, “It isn’t fair to them. If they knew, they’d be more careful around you.”   
  
Jihoon’s face screwed up like he was deciding between two bitter options, “I was fine with the rules the way they were,” he huffed. “Do what you want, I don’t care.” Somehow those words had the worst effect on Seungcheol as he physically flinched.   
  
“Yeah, I know,” He quietly whispered, so low Joshua almost missed it. “But you can’t fault them for wanting to love each other openly… even if you rejected me as your soulmate.” The words were like acid, spit out with the same force as Jihoon had. Before anyone could react to the declaration Jihoon pushed past Seungcheol roughly and disappeared into his room, slamming the door.   
  
It was another few moments before the words sank in to Joshua’s lagging brain. It struggled to fit that knowledge into what he thought was the gospel truth. He tried to remembered Seungcheol telling him that it’d be better if he kept guessing. He assumed Seungcheol meant to forget about it being Jeonghan, not that he was wrong about who he thought it was.    
  
He remembered Jeonghan silencing Seokmin in the cab, realizing he meant to not out Jihoon who never wanted Seungcheol. He remembered Seokmin telling him in the cab that he was there that day, and sure enough out of all the shocked faces in the living room Seokmin was one of the only ones that didn’t look surprised, just suffering second hand pain at having to witness that spat.    
  
He remembered Jeonghan in the hotel room in Japan, focusing all his attention on Joshua, claiming he always had. He remembered how he said he wanted Joshua to be the first person in his life and he realized what he truly meant, that he wanted them to be soulmates. That they could be.   
  
His mind did several jumps all at once, realizing his mistake at the conversation he overheard in Yeoseodo, that Jeonghan knew about Seungcheol’s mark because he’d been there when he got it, that their closeness was just Jeonghan remarkably being a same aged friend who also knew about his situation with Jihoon. That they talked together privately, went drinking together, so Seungcheol could complain openly. Jeonghan was Seungcheol’s best friend, but not his soulmate.    
  
Because Jihoon was Seungcheol’s soulmate.    
  
Quite quickly Seungcheol moved to clear the living room, telling everyone to go to bed, but he was stopped by Jeonghan who seemed to want to talk to him. Their closeness made sense now, but suddenly Joshua realized something that may have been a huge oversight on everyone else’s part.    
  
“Cheol,” Joshua started, interrupting the two, “Someone needs to talk to him. Have either of you talked to him about this before today?” As the two gave each other looks of wariness Joshua got the answer he needed. “Never mind, I’ll go.” Their surprised expressions told of just how gutsy this move was, but Joshua knew something that maybe the rest of them didn’t. He knew what it felt like to not have someone to confide in. 

Joshua didn't knock on the door because he knew he’d just be rebuffed anyways, so he simply called out, “Jihoon-ah, it’s me,” opened the door and walked right in. Jihoon had thrown himself on his bed and was resolutely not acknowledging that someone had come in. Joshua sat on the edge of Jihoon’s bed and waited.

It only took a moment before he heard the first sniffle. Reaching over to the nightstand he found a pack of tissues and carefully reached over Jihoon’s small shoulders to place the pack in front of him. He waited until Joshua took his arm back before moving to wipe up his face.   
  
“How many times have you done this alone?” he asked quietly.   
  
Jihoon’s answer was instantaneous, “I don’t know. Too many times.” And Joshua knew that feeling well. “Did Seungcheol send you in here?”   
  
“No,” Joshua supplied, “but earlier this year we talked. And he told me everything from his side. Now I want to know yours. It’s only fair, right?” He didn’t say anything else, knowing it wouldn’t do any good unless Jihoon wanted to open up himself. So he simply waited to see if he’d speak again.    
  
After a few moments Jihoon spoke up again, “He always thinks everything is about him, you know? Because he’s the leader, he thinks he has to take on everything.”   
  
“He wants to be responsible.” Joshua offered.   
  
“That’s bullshit.” Jihoon cursed, but his usual bitterness wasn’t in it somehow, “He thinks… I don’t know what he thinks, but he said I rejected him. And I never said that. I only did what we were supposed to, I thought he’d be glad I did.”   
  
“Did you ever tell him as much?” Joshua asked.   
  
“He wouldn’t listen to me. Hell, he wouldn’t even talk to me for a while. How could he do that, that jerk? We’d been living together almost four years when it happened, and he just, threw it all out because I didn’t want to run away with him into the sunset or something stupid like that.” Jihoon suddenly sat up, eyes blazing, “It isn’t like I didn’t want to be his soulmate, but I knew we couldn’t! We were idols, I thought he was okay with that! And then all that pompous shit afterward when he beat down everyone after Samuel left, acting all high and mighty, when he was actually being hella hypocritical because he didn’t want any of that at all!” Jihoon angrily threw his used tissues across the floor, not even aiming at the trashcan.    
  
Joshua kindly got up and threw them away properly before returning to his spot on the bed, facing Jihoon fully and contemplating what to say. “Jihoon, things were terrible for both of you. I always thought those rules were harsh, and even before I knew about them I didn’t think it was right that kids here aren’t taught anything about soul marks.”   
  
“I know, I heard you.” Jihoon quipped.   
  
“What?” Joshua gave him a confused look.   
  
“The night before it happened, our soul event, you were talking with Samuel and I woke up when Vernon did. I heard you saying stuff in English, and I heard you say in Korean that it was wrong that kids weren’t taught about marks. And I was one of those kids. I was scared out of my mind. I knew I had a mark, that something was happening, but I didn’t know what to do about it so I kept it hidden by covering it with over the counter stuff from the convenient store. It was pitiful.” Suddenly Jihoon reached back and swung, striking Joshua in the arm.    
  
“Hey! What the hell??” Joshua held his arm and was suddenly questioning what he’d done to upset Jihoon this time.   
  
“That’s for the short joke!”   
  
“What the hell Jihoon, I didn’t make any—“   
“You told Samuel that only people who finished growing could develop marks.” Joshua stared into Jihoon’s pinched face before he made the connection, memory of that night blurred by the trauma that had buried it for so many years.   
  
“You actually remembered that?”   
  
“I obviously had stopped growing already, since I had my gravity event that next day. But did you have to tell him that??” After a moment of silence they both realized just how petty Jihoon was being holding onto that grudge and they both scoffed at the same time, letting their disbelief turn into fits of harsh laughter. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.    
  
When they stopped Jihoon hesitantly reached his hand out, not quite bringing it halfway to Joshua before reconsidering. Joshua went ahead and took his hand, holding it gently and hoping Jihoon knew why he was doing this. "I know you didn’t want anyone to know, but you aren’t alone. You can talk to us. You can talk to me.”   
  
Jihoon couldn’t look up. His small shoulders hunched up but he didn’t pull his hand away. “When the rules changed I thought he’d finally come talk to me, but he never did so I got mad and never went to him, and now… Seungcheol… he hates me, doesn’t he?”   
  
“He doesn’t.” Joshua immediately countered. When it was obvious Jihoon didn’t believe him he pushed onward. “Seungcheol could barely talk about you without getting upset. He’s sad, Jihoon, he thinks he’s lost you forever and he doesn’t want that.” It took everything in Joshua not to start crying, but Jihoon didn’t attempt to hide his tears.   
  
They spilled over his cheeks as he quietly whimpered, “I don’t want that either.” Jihoon slowly dissolved into little fits of sobbing, trying his best not to be loud but failing miserably. Joshua gently pulled him into his shoulder to help muffle the sound for Jihoon’s own self consciousness.   
  
It was another five minutes before his crying quieted enough that Joshua could put him to bed, the first time he’d ever done that to his team leader. Despite his short size and age relation to Joshua, he often forgot he was the older of the two and treated Jihoon with all the respect a leader deserved. But like this, wrapped in his blankets and exhausted from years of pent up emotions only just now finding an outlet, Joshua was acutely aware of just how small he really was.   
  
Joshua turned off the lights and left the room, only to find Seungcheol and Jeonghan sitting on the floor outside, backs against the wall and looking for all intents and purposes like children caught red handed. The fresh memory of two little boys waiting for him just like that years ago tugged at his heart as he waved the two of them to follow him.    
  
The three of them stepped into the kitchen, leaning back against the counters like they couldn’t stand up to the weight of the truth. “How much did you hear?” Joshua asked. The other two shook their heads. It wasn't easy recounting Jihoon’s distress, but he more he said the worse Seungcheol looked, who didn’t add or say anything in his defense. When Joshua mentioned Jihoon’s wish that Seungcheol would have approached him first he looked guilty, but the real blow came when Joshua had to tell him Jihoon believed he hated him. 

“I told him you didn’t hate him, but he needs to hear it from you.” Joshua crossed his arms and waited for a response, but all he got was Seungcheol lowering his head even further, hunching his shoulders and letting the weight of his mistakes press down on him. While Jeonghan was quick to offer comfort to Seungcheol, Joshua couldn’t help but wonder if he was the first person who ever did the same for Jihoon.

Eventually they all had to go to bed, and Seungcheol quietly asked Joshua if he’d switch beds with him just for the night. “I don’t think I can be in the same room as him.”   
  
“I think that's exactly why you should stay.” Joshua shot back. “Don’t run away from him anymore. Even if it’s something as small as being there when he wakes up it’s still better than him finding someone else instead.” For the first time Seungcheol assented to Joshua’s decision and he felt like the two of them were finally equal.    
  
That night Joshua couldn’t sleep, his mind going in circles over and over again. Every time another memory hit him he felt more and more like an idiot, as well as relieved and a plethora of other emotions all at once. Even still, his mind kept going back to the fact that he didn’t know if Jeonghan had a mark at all. He remembered that there were still two unknowns in the group but he’d learned his lesson. He wasn’t going to assume anything until he got a chance to talk to him, and he definitely wasn’t about to let things spiral out of control like Seungcheol and Jihoon had.   
  
Being one of the first ones to wake up Joshua heard when Seungcheol’s alarm went off. Jeonghan was the first to leave their room, and through the open door Joshua caught a glimpse of something he realized he hadn’t seen in a very long time.    
  
Seungcheol was sitting on the edge of Jihoon’s bed holding him tightly. It only lasted for a moment before they let go but it was a start to what would probably be a very long healing process.    
  
Later that day they got an announcement that their evening schedule had been canceled and everyone was free after lunch and then the following day. Joshua wondered if Seungcheol had something to do with that, but he figured giving them space to breathe was a good idea. However, Joshua also knew that Jihoon had left without eating and made it a point to go take food to him.

Joshua found out he had holed himself up in his studio like he always did when he was upset. But when he got to the door he was both surprised to hear Seungcheol’s voice, yet also expecting it. Before he could knock Jihoon’s loud exclamation pierced through whatever Seungcheol was saying. It was an argument, Joshua realized, as he carefully covered his ears and walked back down the hall. It wasn’t his place to listen or interrupt, but he would be sure to check on Jihoon later that night if he could. Instead, he called Jihoon’s cell, hoping to just leave a voicemail that the food was outside the door, so Joshua jumped when he actually answered the phone. 

“Yeah?” Though his voice was steady even Joshua could hear the ice in it.   
  
“I’ve got food for you, want me to bring it up?”   
  
“I don’t want it.” Jihoon quickly snapped.   
  
“Yes you do,” Joshua snapped back. “It’s jajangmyeon, you need to eat and I know you skipped breakfast this morning.” Joshua had never in his life been demanding to Jihoon, but he knew nothing less would get through his defenses.   
  
Sure enough, he heard a sigh of defeat over the phone. “I’m with someone right now, just leave it outside the door.”   
  
Joshua waited a bit before walking back and leaving the food. He knocked once, noting the quieter voices this time, and then waited at the end of the hall until he saw the door open and a small hand grab the food. His mission done, he left them to their own devices. He didn’t know how long it would take for them to fix things, but it wasn’t his problem to bear. He only had to worry about what had immediately affected him, and that was a mission he was afraid to commit to.   
  
Still, as he stepped out of the elevator of the studio building, he put on a brave voice and pushed call. 

“Jeonghan, will you get lunch with me? Alone?”


	8. Busan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs a vacation once in a while.
> 
> Enjoy! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

Lunch was surprisingly easy between them, conversation flowing naturally and without any kind of weight. Maybe it was an illusion because Joshua stopped seeing Jeonghan as belonging to someone else. Or maybe it was because Jeonghan wouldn’t let the conversation stray too close to any of the recent problems they’d been having. Their food done with, Joshua had to move on with things whether he liked the answers he got or not.    
  
However, talking about something so important in a restaurant seemed like a bad idea, but he wasn’t sure if he’d get another chance at being along with Jeonghan for a while. “Can we… go somewhere after this? I wanted to talk to you but…”   
  
“Not here, right?” Joshua startled at Jeonghan’s intuition, “Yeah, I was actually thinking we could go somewhere. It’s only past noon and we have tomorrow off. Why don’t we go somewhere for the night? Like a day trip.” Jeonghan stretched comically, “Ah! Everything’s been so stressful lately, let’s go back to the dorm to get some stuff and then leave, okay?”   
  
Before Joshua could object he was himself whisked away on the wave of Jeonghan’s excitement, the two of them packing a single overnight bag each before leaving with barely a word to Wonwoo who was the only one in the living room as they walked out. “Okay, have fun.” He didn’t bother to look up from his phone.   
  
Things didn’t slow down until they found themselves on a KTX train headed for Busan. The choice was completely impulsive, despite being a full two hour ride, but Jeonghan’s logic was that he wanted to watch the sunset over the ocean from a nice hotel room. “We spend too much of our lives in hotel rooms already, how is this different?” Joshua pointed out.   
  
“Those are usually the cheapest block rooms the company can get. Let’s do something just for us this time.” Jeonghan didn’t say much after that, keeping his head in his phone until he suddenly sat up and shoved it in Joshua’s face, “Alright! Got us an ocean side room!” After that he put his phone away and leaned close to Joshua, nearly putting his head on his shoulder.    
  
“If I’d known we were going to go on a trip we could have waited to have lunch.” Joshua supplied to fill the silence.    
  
“Nah,” Jeonghan yawned, “It’s too late now. Let’s just go to the hotel and then do something for dinner.” Joshua didn’t answer, instead letting Jeonghan doze off as they got closer to their destination.    
  
As it turned out the hotel in Busan was absolutely beautiful, filled with a lot of gorgeous foreigners and people who must have been very rich. “Jeonghan,” Joshua started suspiciously, “How much did—“   
  
“It’s just one night.” Jeonghan quickly countered, “And I may have accidentally used the company code to pay for it.”   
  
At that Joshua smacked him lightly, “Jeonghan! The company is not going to pay for this!”    
  
“And if they don’t I’ll pay them back! Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?”Jeonghan winked, “Plus, what’s a single night? The accountants won’t even notice it on the ledger.”   
  
“You’re a nightmare.” Joshua laughed, but followed him nonetheless. Sure enough the room was even more beautiful than the lobby, the wall of windows facing a sparkling ocean. Joshua tossed his bag on a bed, ignoring Jeonghan’s indignant huff that he’d already claimed that one, and crossed the room to look out at the view. Joshua knew that that view would stick in his memory forever, no matter the outcome of the night.    
  
The first thing they did was go out shopping, Jeonghan doting on Joshua far more than he usually did. After Joshua scolded him about wasteful spending, he turned around and bought something for Jeonghan as well. It was just a simple silver and black bracelet but it looked elegant on his narrow wrist.    
  
After that they went to a local well known place for ice cream. Though Joshua complained about it being the wrong season for it, and not liking sweets in general, Jeonghan had another reason for picking it. “Ice cream is something you have to enjoy right away, before it melts. So we can live in the moment, you know?”    
  
Slowly the sun sank closer to the horizon and Jeonghan announced they needed to go back. “We can get room service for dinner, I want to watch the sunset from the windows.” Joshua wasn’t sure why, but he felt a tinge of sadness in his voice.   
  
They wound their way through the streets until they made it back to the hotel, pausing once again in the grand lobby before going up. Dinner in the room was perfect, sitting in front of the bay windows and watching a glorious sunset over the water. “Do you want to know why I did this, Joshua?”   
  
“Hmm?” Joshua hummed around a mouthful of food.    
  
Jeonghan set down his utensils and leaned back. “It’s because memories stick to the places they’re made. And if these became bad memories I didn’t want them stuck to a place we would frequently go, or a sight we’d frequently see.”    
  
At this Joshua stopped eating as well. “Jeonghan? What’s wrong?”    
  
“I know… you have your mark. Seokmini told me.” Jeonghan smiled weakly. “Did he tell you about me?”   
  
Joshua could only shake his head, not trusting his voice at all. His heart was racing, all his nerves alight. If Seokmin told Jeonghan about Joshua then maybe…   
  
“I’m developing a mark too.” And that was it, the answer Joshua wanted. It was the one thing he didn’t dare hope for but dreamed was an option. But Jeonghan’s demeanor hadn’t changed. “I had hoped, if you and I were alone, that maybe it would have triggered a gravity event.”    
  
It was obvious to both of them that hadn’t happened, and that fact shook Joshua. He fell back hard on his chair, hiding behind his hands to cover the shaky exhale of breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Jeonghan, that doesn’t mean it can’t still happen. Even with Seokmin and whoever the fourth person is it could still—”   
  
“It’s been over eleven months for me, Joshua, I’m like a ticking time bomb. Every day now I’m afraid I’m going to wake up to a soulmate that isn’t you and…” Jeonghan trailed off, both of them acutely aware at what he was admitting to but neither of them sure how to proceed from there. Quietly Jeonghan left his seat by the window and sat heavily on the edge of his bed, just barely resisting the urge to fling himself backwards. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be putting these things on you. But I’ve been watching you for so long, I don’t know if I can stop thinking about you like this.”   
  
Slowly Joshua got up as well, his footsteps making no sound on the plush carpet as he made his way to Jeonghan’s side. “You said memories stick to the places they’re made, and it reminded me of something.” Joshua sat next to him on the bed, letting Jeonghan’s weight sway into his shoulder as the bed dipped. “The day Samuel left Seungcheol hit my head, and sometimes when I thought about soulmates or marks I would remember that pain and it made me afraid to say anything. I wouldn’t let go of that pain, and it kept stopping me from what I think I really wanted. Which, in the end, I think was always you."   
  
The sigh that Jeonghan released was weighed down with a thousand worries that seemed to finally be set free. “Then why didn’t you say anything?”   
  
“If it means anything,” Joshua started hesitantly, “I spent a long time thinking you were Seungcheol’s soulmate.”   
  
Jeonghan’s head whipped up so fast Joshua nearly jumped. “You… what??”   
  
This time Joshua flinched away, not really wanting to admit to how ridiculous he had been, but Jeonghan kept his eyes trained on Joshua’s face. “In Yeoseodo. I saw you touch where his mark would be, and after that I heard you. Both of you.” Joshua scrubbed his hands over his face, if only to block the image of Jeonghan staring at him with such a blank expression. “You were talking about it, his mark, and I thought the only way you’d know he had his is if he thought you were his soulmate. Or that you two already were. It… I really didn’t have any actual reason to believe it, but I had felt so bad at the time, and I only got worse, and you were always with him, siding with him, and I felt so left out—“   
  
“Joshua wait, wait, wait, stop. Hang on.” Jeonghan gently pulled Joshua’s hands away from his face as he tried to look into his eyes. “Hey, look at me.” He ducked down until they were eye level and Joshua finally looked up. “Seungcheol was distressed, and he has no hyungs so I was all he had. We didn’t want to burden you as well so we left you out of it.”    
  
Something crossed Jeonghan’s face as he looked away. “But I never thought we were the reason you sank so low last year. I thought it was everyone else’s fault. I guess… I thought I was doing the right thing yelling at everyone on your behalf, but you weren’t getting better. Then you started crying when I tried to feed you in the hotel.” Without letting go of Joshua’s wrists he let his thumb run over his protruding wrist bone. “I never felt so lost in all my life. And I never realized it was my fault to begin with. I’m an idiot, and I’m sorry.”   
  
Joshua swallowed hard before opening his mouth. “You aren’t an idiot, and… neither was I.” The words were a struggle to get out, but he kept trying. “What I mean is, it isn’t wrong, that you didn’t know why I was upset, and it wasn’t wrong that I didn’t know why you two left me out. We both got hurt, but we weren’t stupid for thinking the way we did. Our feelings were real, and we shouldn’t feel bad about that. I’m not blaming you, I’m just telling you what I thought. And what I thought wasn’t reality, but that doesn’t make me an idiot. And what you thought… well, it wasn’t actually that wrong, I was being a little mistreated by the others, and your yelling did help with that.” They both smiled at that for a moment.    
  
“Still…” Jeonghan pinched his lips into a thin line, “If we had told you from the start, maybe things would have different. Better.”   
  
“You know,” Joshua countered, “if you had said that last year I would’ve agreed with you, but now,” he brought his hand up to his chest and let it rest his budding mark, “I think it wouldn’t have changed much. I would have still made mistakes, gotten left out, and Hoshi would have still thrown me in the river. And I know I would have felt like a burden on you when my hands were bound, no matter what.”    
  
Joshua slipped his hand back into Jeonghan’s as he looked for a better answer. “I think what I’m trying to say is that I can’t blame Seungcheol for how I reacted to everything that happened to me.” Somehow the statement took Joshua himself by surprise. He’d never reached that conclusion before, and it left him feeling completely different. He wasn’t sure if it was a good different or not.   
  
Luckily Jeonghan had something more to say, pulling Joshua out of his epiphany. “I guess I kinda said something like this when you were hurt, but maybe I should say it better.” He brought a hand up to Joshua’s face and gently turned them both to face each other. “I want you to be the closest person to me in my life. And I don’t just mean as a soulmate, if fate even decides to give us that. I’ve decided on my own, I want you. No matter what fate says.”   
  
Jeonghan brought his hand down to let his palm rest delicately over Joshua’s collar bone. Neither of them could stop the tiny gasps that escaped but Jeonghan managed to stay his hand before discovering the blooming mark for himself. Changing his mind, his hand slid up across Joshua’s shoulder until his fingertips touched the fine hairs on the back of his neck.   
  
With the gentlest of pulls he brought their foreheads together. Slowly the world around Joshua disappeared. For the moment, it was just the two of them, hearts beating heavy in their chests as they tried to decided how to move on after everything they’d been through. “In the end,” Jeonghan whispered, his warm breath ghosting over Joshua’s lips, “does it really matter?”    
  
Rather than let fate or anyone else decide, Joshua closed his eyes and decided for himself. “Jeonghan, can we kiss?” The slight nod he received was all the consent he needed.    
  
Having never been in this situation before he wasn't quite sure how to proceed, but he didn’t have to. The hand on his neck instinctively guided them until they kissed for the first time. Jeonghan’s lips were surprisingly soft, the pressure of them not so much holding him still as was the weight of what they were doing. Warm hands found faces as an even warmer heat flourished in both of their hearts. Joshua had never felt such a surge of emotion, the feeling causing him to gasp a tiny, whimpering sound against Jeonghan’s mouth.    
  
Jeonghan received it well, redoubling his efforts as he tilted his head and pressed a little deeper. Joshua moved his lips against his in such a way that Jeonghan couldn't help but let out a low sound in the back of his throat. The sound surprised himself as much as it did Joshua as he broke the kiss for a moment. Both of them breathed heavily, letting out little laughs as their emotions got away from them.    
  
While they weren't quite sure who moved first this time, it was surely Joshua who decided to lean back, pulling Jeonghan with him until they were cuddled side-by-side on the bed. They kissed again and again, exploring the seemingly endless ways their lips could fit together and stay match. Though they were careful with their hips, they let their knees cross and the insides of their thighs brush together. Jeonghan wrapped a protective arm around Joshua’s back and used his palm flat on his spine to pull them impossibly closer.    
  
They knew they needed to clean up after eating, and they both had to wash up before going to bed properly, but they felt that all could wait. For a while they simply laid in each other’s arms and tried to catch their breath while simultaneously stealing it out of each other’s mouths. Neither of them knew how much time had passed before they finally let go and admitted the need to get up.   
  
Once Joshua finally got out of the longest shower of his life he saw Jeonghan sitting against his headboard as if waiting for him. He gave his own bed a passing glance before hesitantly walking past it and touching the edge of the covers. His heart settled when Jeonghan not only pulled back the sheets but held his arms out, waiting for Joshua to cuddle up next to him.    
  
They didn’t know the outcome of their marks yet, but at this point they didn’t need to. Joshua rested his head against Jeonghan’s right shoulder and made no attempts to reach out and touch the hidden mark. Instead Joshua curled an arm close to his chest and let the other fall over Jeonghan’s waist. Mirroring Joshua’s move, Jeonghan wrapped his free arm tightly around Joshua’s still small body and like that the two of them fell asleep together in Busan.   
  
Of course, the world had not paused with them when they left for their little trip. Upon returning the next day they were faced with not only an angry Seungcheol, but an angry manager who demanded to know why Jeonghan thought the company would pay for something like that. Rather than inanely defending himself like usual, Jeonghan simply bowed deeply in apology. He offered no excuses and eventually their ire ran out and they were left with a mildly irritated Seungcheol.    
  
“I still need to know why you two left, in case we get fan site photos come up later that we have to explain.” Seungcheol crossed his arms.   
  
“I can’t tell you right now,” Jeonghan quipped, “but I will say this; Joshua doesn’t blame you, Cheolie.” The sudden admission took both Seungcheol and Joshua by surprise. “And if he isn’t blaming you, then maybe don’t blame yourself either. A lot of stuff was out of your control, and if I was listening to Joshua correctly, letting that stuff go is great for your mental health.” He smiled brightly as he clapped Seungcheol on the shoulder and walked on past him.   
  
“The hell did that mean?” Seungcheol turned on Joshua.   
  
“It means, have you talked to Jihoon today?” Joshua didn’t attempt to mimic Jeonghan’s easy going attitude, but he did try to keep some forethought in his voice, lest the argument he and Jihoon had been having in the studio ended up being a particularly terrible one.   
  
“I did, this morning, when he was demanding to know why Wonwoo claimed you two left the province.”   
  
“Cheol, you know what I mean.” Joshua added softly.   
  
A moment passed before Seungcheol released a defeated sigh, “We had it out yesterday, but… I think it was a good thing. Something we needed to do for a long time. I’m not expecting everything to suddenly become normal, but it’s harder than either of us wants. Things aren’t better, but they aren’t worse either.” He squared up to Joshua suddenly, “Is that what happened to you guys in Busan? Or are things better than that?”   
  
Joshua couldn’t stop the memory of their night together from reading all over his face in the form of a glowing red blush, “Um, a lot better.” Before Seungcheol could stop him or continue that line of questioning Joshua made himself as scarce as Jeonghan had.   
  
And the two boys remained scarce, once the end of the year awards came down on them hard. The end promotions for Clap were still going on and there wasn’t much time to think beyond preparing for stages and ceremonies now they were doing their last recorded performance with Minghao before he was to stop activities all together. 

They were recording a dance practice with the members of Nu’est for their collaboration song  _ Heaven _ . At one time they thought the practice room they were using was enormous, but with all 17 boys wearing their uniforms and milling about with staff nearby, the space seemed tiny and crowded. To save himself from getting trampled, Joshua found a seat far away from the eyes of the cameras he assumed were always on.

He zoned out, not sure how much time passed before another blue suit walked up to join him in the seats. “Yo, Josh, got a second?” JR asked as he sat down.

Joshua looked up at his same age friend and leader of Nu’est. Unlike the others who had practically grown up together, like Jihoon and Seungcheol, Joshua only knew them as lablemates and not much else besides. He hadn’t ever spent much time alone with JR and wasn’t sure what else he had to talk about besides the collaboration. Even still, he nodded and gave JR a little of his attention.

“So… I know this probably isn’t your issue, but Jeonghan said you might be better suited to give advice. It’s about Jihoon.” At the sound of his own unit leader’s name Joshua perked up. “He suddenly started having a hard time but it sounds like he isn’t trying to reach out to anyone. Do you know why that is? He used to talk to me a lot but this is different.”

Joshua picked his words carefully. “There was an issue with another member, and I think they’re trying to work it out by themselves. I’m not sure how well it’s going, but I think maybe they need to be left alone for a bit.”

“Oh,” JR bit his lip, “then maybe we shouldn’t interfere.”

Joshua quickly waved his hands to stop him. “But still, please try to remind him that you’re there to talk to him. The other members of Nu’est too, whoever can. He told me in confidence, so I can’t repeat anything, but he does need a lot of support.” JR looked up with surprise. “Don’t force him, but when he’s ready to talk, will you listen to him well?” Joshua found himself asking.

“Of course,” JR said easily, “You have my word.” They were interrupted by a call to the front and for the remainder of the recording weren’t able talk alone again, but Joshua felt better knowing there were others out there for Jihoon besides himself. He wondered idly if this was how Jeonghan felt directing people to take better care of Joshua.

The video was recorded well and that night they all went out to eat together as a sort of farewell to Minghao from broadcasts. After that the dancer would be left to stay home and not allowed to do any kind of extraneous activity. But after watching Junhui with him at dinner the Nu’est members learned about them being soulmates and quietly congratulated them. It was the first time Joshua saw any kind of soulmate talk outside of the group but it was so subdued he almost didn’t know what they were congratulating them for at first. Aron was the exception, who loudly cheered for them and gave them both hugs. There was something to be said about American stereotypes, and being loud and proud was definitely one of them.

Weeks later another reminder of American culture came back as Joshua’s twenty third Korean birthday was arriving, meaning he was finally going to be twenty two. As the award show they were currently at ticked past midnight Seungkwan and the others tried as hard as they could to embarrass Joshua onstage by loudly announcing his birthday. Luckily he wasn’t the only one suffering as Taehyung from BTS was having the same problem across the stage. After the show was over they quickly went backstage and congratulated each other warmly, stopping to chat for a bit. It was only afterward that Joshua realized Taehyung kept him so long that the rest of Seventeen had already left and he suddenly had to find his own way back.

Joshua walked the halls alone until he found Seventeen’s waiting room, pausing when he realized it was strangely quiet. As soon as he walked in, the room exploded as the group and staff surprised Joshua with loud cheers and a cake. It wasn’t until after they took the group picture that he was going to mention that the cake was the kind he didn’t like, when suddenly Jeonghan was loudly whining to the room, “Didn’t you all remember Joshua doesn’t like cream cake?”

Everyone had mental breakdowns as they all had forgotten, but Joshua refused to let it bother him. Instead he turned his attention to Jeonghan who had remembered Joshua didn’t like sweets. Jeonghan went to give him a hug, turning at the last moment to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Happy birthday, Joshua.” It took everything in Joshua not to actually kiss him in a room full of people.

They had a chance that night when they got home, as once again Joshua conveniently forgot his towel in the shower. He stood behind the door as Jeonghan handed him one, pushing a little past the door so no one passing in the hall could see him steal a kiss from Joshua’s lips. Joshua was taken off guard, not by the kiss but by Jeonghan’s wandering eyes. With a scoff Joshua practically slapped him by clapping his hand over Jeonghan’s eyes and pushed him back.

“What?” Jeonghan laughed. “It’s not like I haven’t bathed you before.”

He got a door slammed in his face for the reminder, but the grin on his face said it was worth it.

The next day there wasn’t much time to do anything besides have a birthday lunch together with the other members, but luckily Jeonghan and Jihoon paid for all of it. Then again most of the food they ordered was for themselves anyways so Joshua just accepted it. The real surprise was when when they brought out another cake, this one a chocolate tiramisu instead. Just as they were all eating the cake Jeonghan slipped a small long box onto the table in front of Joshua. He opened it and found a beautiful yet familiar black and silver bracelet nestled in white velvet.

“Jeonghan, how did you get another one like this?” Jeonghan gave him a hug instead of an answer, holding him tightly so that the group watching would miss him whispering into Joshua’s ear.

“Look on the inside.” And sure enough, engraved on the silver band was the English text,  _ First in my life _ . If Joshua wasn’t surrounded by people he would have had it in him to start crying, but instead he simply threw his arms around Jeonghan again in thanks.

Immediately afterward they had to run back to the studio for another awards show pre-recording, and as soon as it was done Joshua was ushered to a small quiet room to have his birthday vlive. Though his spirits were raised by the comments the fans left for him, he always found doing lives alone  difficult. He wasn’t witty like some of the other members and he was very introverted without someone to reflect off of. He found himself wishing Jeonghan was with him but his fans only wanted to see him for his birthday so he let go of that idea as soon as he thought it.    
  
Joshua wore Jeonghan’s gift well to their live performance, brushing his fingers over it as often as he remembered it. He made sure to wave at the crowds with that hand, showing off the bracelet as much as possible. It didn’t escape his notice that Jeonghan was doing the same with the original bracelet Joshua had gotten for him. At one point their eyes caught sight of each other and they tried not to let their loving reactions show on live television but it was impossible. It was already after midnight when they finally had a moment to themselves but Jeonghan went ahead and wished him happy birthday again with a kiss.   
  
It was like this that the new year turned and the group started focusing on their special album and the four new tracks on it. The title track was a thank you to their fans and they used that drive to work hard on the choreography, though they all felt like collapsing at the end of practice.    
  
Slowly the other members started to notice the matching bracelets as neither boy seemed to ever take them off. Some actually assumed their trip to Busan late the previous year had secretly been their gravity event, but they shook their heads, easily claiming that didn’t happen by pulling on their shirt collars to reveal deceptively smooth but unmarked skin. Besides, they pointed out, there were others in the group with marks and no one knew when any of them would go next.   
  
But the claims sounded hollow in Joshua’s ears as they started practice. Though he feigned being nonchalant, his heart beat just a little bit harder, skipping one or two beats short sometimes. It was as if it was trying to tell him something he wasn’t seeing. He fought through those feelings and tried to focus on practice but it wasn’t working.    
  
While drinking some water he was suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea and he wondered if he was going to be sick. But he pushed on, feeling resolute about learning the point choreography for the second verse. After throwing himself to the floor for what felt like the hundredth time he struggled to stand, using all his muscle to force himself to unwind his body as he finally pushed himself upright. However, there was nothing left in him as dizziness took over before the next move.   
  
But the dizziness was overshadowed by a much larger and more pressing matter forcing him to fall to his knees. His heart suddenly felt like it was trying to claw out of his chest, his whole body convulsing with an almost painful thrum suddenly unfurling in the center of his chest. Something burned heavy and hot against his skin, against the core of his soul mark.   
  
Even as his body pitched itself to the floor, only one thought came to mind.   
  
Nothing felt worse than not knowing.   
  
Actually having an answer, even if it was wasn’t who he thought, would have been infinitely better. As a matter of fact, being wrong would have even been preferable. At least he’d have an answer, something concrete to hold onto. Anything to stop the anticipation quickly running his heart ragged as he attempted to pull himself off the practice room floor.    
  
He had heard another person fall with him when his body stopped obeying physics. He felt the incessant pull on his heart, on his blooming soul mark, dragging him to his feet and forcing him to face his fate. To face him, his soulmate.   
  
Hands helped him stand, but they couldn’t stop him from moving, from breaking past their circle of concern to stumble towards the other group, where the other boy fell.   
  
Towards his soulmate, who was beginning to stand.   
  
Who was turning towards him.   
  
Who was— 


	9. Gravity

“… Jeonghan.”

Joshua’s eyes locked on his for a moment that lasted an eternity, every cell in his body on Jeonghan and he knew. Like a blindfold had been ripped from his eyes, he _knew_.

Jeonghan was his soulmate.

Moving with pure intent, both boys started to cross the room. At the core of their bodies screamed a rapidly building urge to touch, to hold, that only heightened the closer they got to each other. Joshua’s heart felt like it was trying to escape, pounding hard against his ribs as a flash of pain stabbed him in the chest. The room became soundless to Joshua’s ears, his eyes unable to see anyone but the man before him as he stretched out his hands. The movement mirrored in Jeonghan’s reach as the gap between them narrowed, closing ever smaller as time felt like it was slowing nearly to a halt.

And like a match striking in a fuel filled room, the moment they finally touched was a virtual explosion.

They crashed into each other with such force the air was knocked from their lungs. Their hearts stamped an incessant rhythm against their soul marks, hammering them through their skin to create the visible etchings that represented their bond. Holding each other so tightly it should have hurt, tears of relief fell freely onto each other’s shoulders. Their chests pressed together where their marks overlapped, just like the fabled magnets the gravity event alluded to.

That same energy pulsing outward from them pushed everyone in the room several steps back. No one’s gravity event had been nearly as strong as the one they were witnessing at the moment. There was no way anyone would dare try to get close or ever attempt to separate them.

Completely lost to the world, Joshua turned his head towards Jeonghan’s neck, needing to feel grounded as his heart soared for him. He had no name for the new feeling that was making its home in his heart. He knew he wanted Jeonghan, had needed and cared about him, even thought he was beautiful, but this was an entity so much more powerful than anything he’d ever experienced. It urged him to recenter his entire life around the man in his arms, to dedicate himself to him, mind, body, and soul. And when Jeonghan gripped him just a little bit tighter, Joshua was sure he felt the same overwhelming emotions.

Very slowly their senses started to come back to them, flooding them with the taste of salty tears they weren’t aware they’d been crying as a cloud of each other’s scent surrounded them from being held so close. There was also a numbness in their hands that only faded once they loosened their grip, Joshua moving to rest his forehead against Jeonghan’s collarbone opposite the fresh blood stain where his mark was.  Their hearing was the last thing to return, reminding them that they weren’t alone as the cheers and yelling finally reached them.

Not wanting to part just yet they looked up and became locked by each other’s gaze. Once again Joshua felt himself falling into Jeonghan’s embrace as they gently kissed, soft and sweet, holding each other tenderly against a new backdrop of screams and yelling. They’d planned to hold off on telling the members about their decision to choose each other but there wasn’t any point anymore. Instead they held each other in front of their members and kissed each other unashamedly.

Eventually the cheers turned to jeers for them to go home if they weren’t going to practice and they finally let each other go, laughing at Jihoon’s bitterness. Joshua didn’t miss Seungcheol’s hand resting on Jihoon’s lower back or the fond look he was giving the smaller man. Though Jihoon’s answer was a scowl and a swat, they still managed to smile at each other as they stepped apart.

Junhui and Minghao were also together, holding each other and making dramatically romantic gestures, where as Seungkwan was legitimately about to cry hiccuping to Vernon that it was such a beautiful gravity event. Embarrassment was slowly starting to seep into Joshua’s mind as his ears turned red.

“Yah, go home, both of you.” Seungcheol turned them both towards the door, “None of us want to see that, now go. We’ll talk about the dorm arrangement later, I have an announcement anyways.”

Not needing to be told twice, the two of them left the practice building, stopping for bandages and food before arriving at home. Everything felt like they were walking through water until they were faced with the very real fact that they were wearing shirts covered in dried blood and both needed to wash up and dress the new soul marks.

It was the first time they’d showered together since they were in their first dorm, but they didn’t think they could be far from each other at the moment. Despite that residual magnetic pull they still averted their eyes as they started to clean up, moving around each other as little as possible and blushing furiously. It wasn’t until Jeonghan offered to wash Joshua’s hair that they felt comfortable enough to touch. There was no need for words as they innocently explored each other’s bodies, watching where their hands passed as they helped wash spots the other couldn’t reach on their own. They carefully avoided letting things go too far before needing to step away to take care of the rest of themselves.

Once they were dry and at least partially dressed they spread ointment into the lines of their marks. They marveled at how intricate yet identical they were, like fingerprints that matched perfectly. It was a shame to cover them, but they had to heal correctly so the lines would be perfectly clear once they scarred over. Jeonghan didn’t waste the opportunity to plant a light kiss to Joshua’s mark over the bandage, the move proving to be fatal to Joshua’s heart strings.

Though it was still early, they ate together in the empty dorm and then slipped into the same bed, just as they had in Busan. The memory pulled at a much deeper one of a fevered teenager curled together with another in a too small bed, but everything was different now. Somehow they were infinitely more aware of each other now than ever before (and Jeonghan suspected them still being shirtless had something to do with that). Regardless, Joshua’s thoughts were still the same as they had been that night.

“Were you always so beautiful? It feels like I’ve never seen you properly before.”

Jeonghan huffed lightly. “It might just be the soul bond talking, but I think so too.” He brought his hand up to Joshua’s cheek and let him nuzzle into his palm a bit as he pulled them close enough to whisper into Joshua’s ear. “But I’ll tell you a secret. I’ve always thought you were the prettiest boy I ever saw, since the day we met.”

Joshua couldn't help but blush adorably. Unable to cover his face at such proximity, he still closed his eyes cutely, as if by doing so Jeonghan couldn’t see him. Regardless, Jeonghan dotted kisses all over Joshua’s face until he laughed, giving in to the urge to kiss back. The two cuddled closer as their kissing slowed, leading to open mouth kisses and hesitant swipes of tongues.

Worry began to leech into Joshua’s mind as he felt he was becoming out of breath and too excited. He pulled back first, a small but annoying thought coming to mind. He hated that he was like this, but everything was still so new, not just the soul bond but their whole relationship. He wondered if he was even in control at all.

Jeonghan caught onto his apprehension immediately. “Too much?” he wondered out loud.

“No,” Joshua started, tucking his head under Jeonghan’s chin, “I just thought, if we both felt like that when we first met, was all this just the soul bond’s doing? I know we said we chose each other, but what if _we_ didn’t? What if it wasn’t even us, what if we really had no choice—“ Joshua was startled out of his mental spiral by a little kiss to his forehead.

Jeonghan was quiet for a moment. “I think… that we caused the bond. That when we met there was nothing, but because we wanted each other, fate let us have it.” He looked down at Joshua with the gentlest of smiles. “I’d like to think we became soulmates because we wanted to be.”

Joshua’s heart swelled to bursting, fresh tears threatening to fall. He felt like he had to say something, do something, to alleviate the pressure. The words came to him before he had a chance to dwell on them, coming out filled with awe and all the tenderness in the world. “I love you, Jeonghan.”

The sudden declaration was a strike directly to Jeonghan's heart, his eyes growing misty with the power of it. “I love you too, Joshua!” Despite how close they already were he somehow found a way to embrace Joshua tighter, the two of them pressing together from their shoulders down to their tangled legs.

The rest of their evening was spent much the same, little chats broken up by bouts of kissing and quiet cuddling. They drifted almost to sleep before Seungcheol came and told them the announcement from before, that the group was moving into new apartments and most rooms would be set up two to a room. However, he didn’t get the chance to ask them before they were both yelling, “We’ll be roommates!”

Before the move could commence, the boys had to go through promotions for Director’s Cut. They felt a warm pride at their duet song _Falling for U_ , something they had written and recorded back when Joshua was still relying heavily on Jeonghan for assistance. They both realized the lyrics had just been their deeper feelings laid bare, but it fit so well to have it on this album now that they were bonded.

Surprisingly, it was Chan who came up to them and asked when they planned to announce their bond to the fans. “Well, they said you guys could after I became an adult, and I know Jun-hyung and Minghao-hyung were going to wait until they could do a traditional ceremony back in China. And Sollie-hyung wanted to go to Jeju so they could spend some time with Kwannie-hyung’s family again before they said anything. But what about you two?”

They hadn’t thought about it. They’d been setting up for Caratland and hadn’t talked about it yet, but the evil glint in Jeonghan’s eyes told Joshua everything. It took a bit of secretive planning with the managers, who honestly thought they were being ridiculous, but they agreed anyways.

The first day days went by perfectly, but on the last set of Caratland the boys were surprised by the fans overtaking their performance and singing _Smile Flower_ for them. The group transitioned into _Healing_ to end the night. As the song ended and everyone gave their thanks and did all the ending ments, Joshua and Jeonghan heard the cue across the monitors to move. They grabbed two hand mics and took hands to walk up to the front of the stage, hearts racing as they heard the fans screaming in response. In their in-ears they heard some of the members asking what they were doing, but for an answer they just removed their earbuds and head mics.

“Carats!” Jeonghan started, waiting for the crowd to quiet a bit, “We have one final announcement to make!” Behind them the members all started holding their hands in front of their mouths in surprise as they realized what was happening.

“This past year was hard for me and Jeonghan, but we finally know for sure and want to share our happiness with you all.” Joshua let his mic fall as he looked at Jeonghan who was doing nothing but grinning from ear to ear at him and him alone.

The stadium was quiet as they silently counted to three together before bringing their mics back up. “Everyone, we’re soulmates.” They sealed the announcement with a sweet kiss.

The eruption of noise was deafening as carats began cheering. As they parted they saw the members behind them jumping and screaming dramatically and with more force than entirely necessary. They were saying something but Joshua couldn’t hear them, watching as some of them mimed pulling at their collars and pointing at their chests. Jeonghan was the first to understand, leaning into Joshua’s ear to ask, did they want to show the fans their soul marks?

Joshua didn't expect any of them to suggest that, considering the headache that was how secretive Koreans were about that sort of thing, but the American in him wanted to defy the rules as much as possible. Swiftly he pulled off his SVT jacket and watched Jeonghan do the same, dropping them to the stage and turning to face the crowd. At the same time, they delicately pulled their shirts down far enough to reveal the still-red scars. He was sure a thousand fancams were getting the high definition pictures to compare the lines later, but there wasn’t a single flaw in the marks. They were perfectly identical.

Eventually they did have to leave the stage for the end of the night, and they highly anticipated the reactions afterward. It gave Joshua a huge bite of anxiety when Seventeen rose to the top of Naver’s live search. That spot was usually reserved for when a group had done something wrong and was staring in a scandal of some kind, but when he finally got the courage to look for himself he could finally relax. The news sites were praising the group for being so open and progressive in their announcement and more than a few sites specifically remarked that Joshua’s nationality was bringing a fresh look at cultural norms in Korea as a positive outlook. But more than that, the fan cafe was exploding with well wishes and fan made banners congratulating “JiHan Couple,” as they were lovingly calling them.

With the last of his anxieties dissipated, he could comfortably continue promotions for Director’s Cut. Everywhere they went he and Jeonghan received quiet congratulations from MCs at interviews and very loud congratulations from fans at events. As they started recording for their reality TV show SVT Club they began to feel even more comfortable with each other.

After promotions ended they were given a long break and moving in to the two new apartments started. Claiming one of the rooms with an ensuite, Joshua and Jeonghan quickly made a comfortable space for themselves in their new home. The boys did something interesting with their beds, purchasing a set of bunk beds with a twin sized bed on the top but a queen sized bed perpendicular to it on the bottom. Almost immediately the other members chided them as it was too obvious the top bunk was only there for show and that they intended to use the bottom bunk together. Surprisingly, it was Jihoon that took one look at their beds and said, "Oh, clever. It's a good idea."

Joshua was a little concerned when Jihoon and Seungcheol didn’t take a room together, but in the end it was better. Letting Seungcheol and Wonwoo have their gamer den was better for everyone else’s sanity who needed sleep more than to watch those two’s late night game sessions. The bigger surprise was Mingyu requesting to room with Jihoon. It came out of left field, but in the end no one questioned it. What everyone did agree on was giving Seokmin his own room. Worse than all night Overwatch matches, no one was going to suffer Seokmin’s sleep talking any longer.

On top of the move, Soonyoung, Seokmin, and Seungkwan were starting promotions for their own unit group, BooSeokSoon, while Junhui and Minghao, finally recovered from his back injury, were to return to China for a ceremony their families were throwing for their new soul bond.

Joshua and Jeonghan saw them off the day they left and then moved to return to their room. They had splurged a bit on decorations such as strings of lights, hanging them from the top bunk to create a canopy of stars over their bed and it was there that they planned to spend their long break. After ignoring the catcalls from the other members they settled into their bed together, bringing Joshua’s laptop so they could watch a live stream of that day’s Inkigayo. Mingyu was doing an amazing job being an MC for the show, but today was special.

BooSeokSoon was performing and were about to have their interview with the MCs. Joshua gently shoved Jeonghan away as he kept trying to kiss Joshua’s neck instead of paying attention. They bickered for a moment until the newly minted unit started calling Mingyu sunbaenim, something he always secretly wanted. Mingyu started dancing the point choreography for _Just Do It_  and Joshua and Jeonghan had to laugh at how ridiculous they were being. Their laughing died quickly when there was a sudden movement behind them as Mingyu seemed to stumble. Despite the less than perfect streaming quality, Joshua saw it.

Mingyu, being held up mostly by the other two MCs, shuddered briefly.

“ _Oh my God!_ ” Joshua shouted in English, launching himself upright with the laptop and untangling himself from Jeonghan.

“What on Earth are you—“ Jeonghan stopped as soon as he saw the screen. Behind Mingyu Seokmin had lost his balance and was being lifted up by Soonyoung and Seungkwan, the latter of whom’s face was deliriously happy as he too recognized what was happening. As soon as Seokmin began to move forward Seungkwan let him go and waved Soonyoung to do the same.

Neither MC had the strength to stop Mingyu as he whirled around and took one long step into Seokmin’s outstretched arms. The moment they embraced, the MCs, Soonyoung, and even the cameraman were shoved backwards. Some of the fans in the crowd behind them were actually knocked backwards, the rest of the crowd unsure what was happening but it was obvious to Seungkwan who was only giggling, already a safe distance away.

“Did… Did Mingyu and Seokmin have a gravity event ON LIVE TELEVISION????” Jeonghan yelled, covering his mouth as he heard Jihoon cackling down the hall. Vernon and Dino had gone to the filming that day and were probably somewhere offscreen screaming.

“I didn’t even know Mingyu had a mark already!” Joshua felt betrayed. He knew everyone who had a mark except one person, and somehow Mingyu had never breathed a word about it. All the others had specifically come to him or told him when their marks appeared. He gave up that line of thought as he saw Seokmin’s shocked face over Mingyu’s shoulder on the live stream.

Whatever they’d been planning or hoping for, they were both very happy at that moment. Joshua remembered what Jeonghan had said about them wanting each other possibly creating the soul bond and he couldn’t think of anyone Mingyu was closer to. He hoped the two of them wanted this because just then the stream cut out and he figured now he wouldn’t know the outcome until they came home.

Shoving the laptop aside, Joshua threw himself backwards into their nest of pillows and blankets. Jeonghan quickly rejoined him, the two of them cuddling close as their phones started going off like crazy. Jeonghan spared one moment to shut both of them off before wrapping his arms around his soulmate once more, the two of them giggling that they wouldn’t be the most talked about couple in Seventeen.

But in the end, did it matter? They had each other, and that was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!   
> (*´▽｀*)


End file.
